AIBU to think my partner could have been a bit more understanding on holiday?

[georgiexox]

We've just got back from a city break and I've been upset since we got back.

I've put on quite a lot of weight over the last few years. I know I have, and I'm trying to lose it, but it's not easy. My partner is naturally slim and loves walking.

We booked a holiday staying in the centre with the intention that most stuff was within walking distance. I genuinely thought I'd cope, but I completely underestimated it. By the second day my feet and back were aching, I was exhausted and finding the hills really difficult.

I kept going because I didn't want to spoil the holiday, but on the third day I asked if we could get taxis for some of the longer walks. My partner looked disappointed and said we'd chosen this type of holiday so we could explore on foot, and we'd miss loads if we started getting taxis everywhere.

He wasn't nasty about it I guess, but was clearly disappointed/frustrated. I ended up sitting in a café on my own for a while in the afternoon while he carried on sightseeing because I just couldn't manage any more walking.

He told me he thought we'd be doing it all together and was disappointed things hadn't worked out that way. I do totally understand that and I felt guilty because I obviously know my weight was the reason.

At the same time, I couldn't help wishing he'd just said, "Don't worry, let's get a taxi," instead of making me feel like I'd spoiled the trip. He says I knew what sort of holiday we'd booked and never said I was worried beforehand, which is true.

AIBU for thinking he could have been a bit more understanding, or is this entirely on me?

Yes.

That's not true. I was totally sympathetic to the OP until she said the step counts which were the bare minimum of what anyone would consider reasonable for a city break. I think the average by most people would be double this plus.

Honestly? That's not a lot of steps full stop never mind a city break. On an average day at work I do 12000.

The OP is overeating, and is morbidly obese, she will literally die if she continues to gain weight. Especially the levels she’s gained in the past while. The boyfriend is the least of her problems.

Pussyfooting about the fact she isn’t exercising and that she’s overeating she has told us herself. I’m 60 and did a walk of 6.7 km today in 27 degrees which took me just over an hour. OP needs drastic help, she needs to go to medical professionals and she needs to start walking/exercising.

I don't like cream cakes either. I think a cream cake is a bolo de creme.

Aren’t you being a bit unreasonable yourself? Maybe you could have understood that he was disappointed too and that his disappointment was brought about by you not being realistic enough about how far you could walk.

It sounds like he wasn't mean about it, which is more than my dad managed while he was divorcing my mum for very similar reasons.

I'm sorry you couldn't enjoy the holiday as much as you hoped and that your partner has upset you.

My mum sat out a huge amount of family holidays because of weight and mobility and eventually it became a huge issue for my dad because he couldn't explore or have experiences with her. Especially once the kids (me and my sister) weren't going everywhere with him it really became an issue in their relationship as they planned retirement. It wasn't fair, especially because my mum sacrificed her health and weight due to working so that he could have an easier life, but it should be a wake-up call for you.

, but on the third day I asked if we could get taxis for some of the longer walks

Iam not overweight but couldn't think of a more boring holiday than walking all day visiting museums. He's a twat. Not exactly a relaxing holiday. Even if someone isn't overweight suddenly walking all day from been fairly sedentary 51 weeks a year,would take its toll,and in this hot weather
Go on a calorie deficit diet, you'll soon drop some weight,plenty of app to log and count food.

Op I’m originally from Lisbon and not overweigh at all and I would struggle with 13000 in Lisbon simply because a lot of it is I’ll be uphill. I think he should have been more understanding and I don’t think many could just walk all day on that hill or maybe it’s the fact I’m the same height as you and w heave short legs 🤷🏻‍♀️. Maybe you tried seeing to much in just 4 days and you guys needed to walk less every day and stop to enjoy a bit more .
Hope you like it anyway . Why not have a word with him anyway and ask him to maybe next time plan less each day .

I think there are things both of you could have done differently. You could have done some more walking before the holiday to ready yourself, or to know whether you'd handle it or not.

However... I love walking, and so does my partner, yet I've started to get a bad back when walking a distance. Ive told my partner about this.

We have a tradition of going to Nice for my birthday, and its a lot of walking. We would both be gutted if we couldnt fo the walking, however the key difference is, I know my partner would rather go in a taxi together and see the sight, rather than him walking without me.

Does he know how you feel about yourself/ your weight? And does he know you wanted to get a taxi because your back etc ached?

My husband used to push me to the limit with his extended walks. Not any more. Now you know what you are and are not capable of. Factor in hills and heat and it all gets much harder. You’ve been very honest and open and I admire that. Take more notice of his plans and say “I can’t do that” if you think it’s too much for you. My other half has learned to compromise. You were both disappointed but relationships are always a learning curve. Hopefully you will be able to start to do some gentle exercise to begin with and lose some weight. But he also needs to learn that you’ll probably never be as fit and active as he is. Good luck 😉

Did OP not say they suggested getting a taxi?

This is not just about your weight and level of fitness. I’m 5’4 and my DH is nearly 6’. I have never been able to keep up with him. We’ve been together 40 years. My weight has fluctuated by around 5st since we’ve been together, but I now weigh less than when we first met. His pace and stride are bigger/further than mine and he refuses to slow down. It’s driven me mad over the years: struggling to keep up whilst clutching the hand of small children, not being able to stop to admire a view/ take a photo/ have a sip of water etc as he’s so far ahead. People getting in between us as it doesn’t even look as if we’re together. I don’t mind walking, but at my own pace, not trotting behind him looking at the back of his head.
I’ve recently discovered that this is actually a narcissistic trait and have told him so. I think he is trying to make things more comfortable for me, but we’ll see.

Was it Athens? I remember really struggling there walking up all the hills. That was in my late 20s and much slimmer than I am now. Not sure what to advise. Maybe sit him down and ask if he was irritated during the holiday at any point and why.

perhaps all of your virtuous living has addled your brain. In your pithy “observation” of the reversal of the sexes you wrote of your reverse OP being

“so overweight that he had to stay in a cafe, ankles puffy, out of breath, wanting to get taxis...”

which is what i quoted and what you bizarrely claim you did not remotely or even vaguely say.

have a cream cake - it might give your brain a boost

@alondonerabroad ,you're 715 posts into the thread. It was Lisbon.

I know that losing weight is hard, very hard, but you know that 18 stone is far too much, and you're not yet 30. Please do what you can, now.

Your post struck a chord with me. Now, at risk of sounding cruel - I've recently backed out of a city break with a friend for the same reason. She's very overweight, can't walk for 45 minutes with frequent stops, even if it's flat. No disability or illness, simply very overweight.

The whole point of the city break was to walk/sightsee, not sit around in cafes etc. and 'wait for me to come back' (which is what she suggested). My friend now accepts this kind of break won't be for 'us', and we have other more suitable events planned. No falling out, just honesty between long-time friends.

But, if this is your partner, then I'm afraid that longer-term there's an expectation that you'll do most things together. He clearly enjoys his 'walks' and, unless you have a disability, he's making a reasonable assumption that you, as a 30 year old, should be able to manage this. Forty-five minutes is not far, a mile or two.

So, instead of listening to those posters slagging him off, I'd just be thinking if this relationship and his lifestyle is what you want and, if so, how you are going to adapt. It's not up to him, his expectations seem quite realistic, to be honest. I'm sorry you're finding this tough, but I think the ball is in your court here.

I don’t rhink it was unreasonable that you could not walk as much as your husband for whatever the reason was - it could well have been you were thin as a reed and still not enjoy the walk. I don’t think it was unreasonable for your husband to be disappointed you didn’t want to walk while he did. I however think you ARE being unreasonable to feel your husband was not supportive. He wanted to walk with you and see sights you would not see in a taxi. It sounds to me like you both reached a nice compromise where you walked to a certain place, you had a rest and chilled 😎 and probably people watched. While he extended his walk as much as he wanted to. Win win for everyone IMO.

I think you’ve posted about him before @Fireangels?

Threads like this just make me realise how many people have real nastiness lying just below the surface.

The level of judgment and disdain must be a weight to bear at some level.

I really am interested in knowing what it would have taken away from your holiday for your friend to take breaks on your walks while you went on, and then meet up later on to continue? My husband and I have been married 27 years this year and in our first maybe 15 years of marriage I could never keep up with how much walking he wanted to do on holidays. Mind you, I love walking holidays and in fact booked them all. He just had more stamina than I did. And no, I am not overweight. So it would have been never to go on such holidays, or I end up with aches or injuries, or he ended up frustrated. 😩. I have to say in the initial stages he tried to push me to keep walking when I just could not. And I tried to keep up with him. But after one or two attempts I had to stand my ground when I had just hit my wall. I would take a break, he would go on what we call his initial scouting, and come back and tell me what he saw and we discuss if it’s worth us going down that route or not. Over the years he has slowed down a bit and I have picked up a bit and we are now at a nice congruence. However it has taken compromise.

I was in my first trimester on a city break with my husband and I was pathetic, I could have slept for 4 hours a day and I was VERY slow or I’d have risked throwing up. One afternoon he went on a walking tour and I napped alone… both of us had a fabulous time and caught up about it over dinner. It is disappointing to not spend it together but I don’t see the issue with separating for a portion of the time so you both get the holiday you want

I wouldn't recommend couch25k first off. Had had a fabulous physio who when I had knee pain and was struggling to walk X number of steps told me to build up gradually and not increase the activity too regularly. So 1000 steps then after a couple of weeks 1500 and gradually build up. If your muscles aren't used to it it will hurt as OP found out. Build up to 5 000 steps of brisk walking then increase as you can. Starting off at 12k steps a day is a recipe for disaster according to my physio and will put you off.

I'm 5 stones overweight but go to the gym regularly and have built a huge amount of leg muscle over a couple of years. I can leg press as much as my husband now. Get strong then build up endurance. Good luck

I’ve done a more recent post than the one you’ve quoted.