AIBU to think my partner could have been a bit more understanding on holiday?

[georgiexox]

We've just got back from a city break and I've been upset since we got back.

I've put on quite a lot of weight over the last few years. I know I have, and I'm trying to lose it, but it's not easy. My partner is naturally slim and loves walking.

We booked a holiday staying in the centre with the intention that most stuff was within walking distance. I genuinely thought I'd cope, but I completely underestimated it. By the second day my feet and back were aching, I was exhausted and finding the hills really difficult.

I kept going because I didn't want to spoil the holiday, but on the third day I asked if we could get taxis for some of the longer walks. My partner looked disappointed and said we'd chosen this type of holiday so we could explore on foot, and we'd miss loads if we started getting taxis everywhere.

He wasn't nasty about it I guess, but was clearly disappointed/frustrated. I ended up sitting in a café on my own for a while in the afternoon while he carried on sightseeing because I just couldn't manage any more walking.

He told me he thought we'd be doing it all together and was disappointed things hadn't worked out that way. I do totally understand that and I felt guilty because I obviously know my weight was the reason.

At the same time, I couldn't help wishing he'd just said, "Don't worry, let's get a taxi," instead of making me feel like I'd spoiled the trip. He says I knew what sort of holiday we'd booked and never said I was worried beforehand, which is true.

AIBU for thinking he could have been a bit more understanding, or is this entirely on me?

It is a lot of walking, regardless he showed a lack of ability to compromise even once, this would have me rethinking the relationship especially as it’s only 18 months in.

Christ, another one! 🤦‍♀️🙄

The comments on this thread are ridiculous: “ooh look at me, I’m 98 and I walk three marathons a day and I don’t even break a sweat” jog on.

OP - it was your holiday for you to enjoy however you wanted. If you want to eat a load of pastel de nata on holiday then why the hell not!

Hear, hear.

Longer term though, it sounds like you’re not compatible. This should have been a massive wake up call - if it were me, I would have booked a GP appointment as soon as I returned and started making serious lifestyle changes already. Instead you’re criticising your partner’s reaction and just saying you know you need to be a bit more active.

“He told me he thought we'd be doing it all together and was disappointed things hadn't worked out that way.”

Then he should have stayed with you when you weren’t able to walk!

Do you think you’ll stick with him OP? I’d be wary. If you lose whatever weight you think you need to lose and still can’t meet his expectations, be it through ill health, circumstances, preferences etc. you may find yourself a constant disappointment.

This went wrong in the planning stages. You need to be more involved in future - if there is a future as a couple.
With a BMI of 48, it should be blindingly onvious to both of you that compromise is required.
OP, take action for your own wellbeing.
Ditching DP may be part of your plan.

To be honest I’m not surprised you struggled a bit given you don’t do much walking and then to do a lot four days in a row will probably have felt too much for you. The heat doesn’t help and steps and hills are different to walking flat. I should imagine you felt upset with yourself also and his approach didn’t help. It wouldn’t have hurt him to compromise a little, it’s not all about him is it. You do now have an opportunity to increase your fitness levels for your own health. I understand totally how you feel as I have struggled with weight myself. Good luck with your fitness OP. Try not to focus on it, it’s happened now and better to focus on what you want for yourself going forward health wise.

She DID suggest taxis. Also all the holier than thous saying it’s purely down to weight - different climate, different pace and hiking holidays covers everything from a leisurely 2.5k stroll to a mountainous 14 miles a day. We have no idea how much or how little walking was expected - plus if you swap from a sedentary job and v little walking to full on , the fittest person can be poleaxed. ( I’m pretty fit but using ski muscles leaves me whacked!) Her husband wasn’t wrung to feel disappointed- he was insensitive and unkind not to accommodate her feelings and remember it was her holiday too.

Sorry OP I missed your BMI was 48 - ( not judging) but it’s clear Lisbon in 30 degrees up and down hills would be a bit of a task and you would need a mix of walking and good breaks -it’s very thoughtless and if he wanted to walk for hours on end should have just let you take breaks and gone off on his own if he didn’t want breaks -

Sorry if this has already been suggested, have only read OPs posts. Do you have a Parkrun near you? Are you free for an hour at 9 a.m. on Saturdays? Parkrun is trying to get people exercising, and encourages Parkruns to have official "parkwalkers" who are there to keep people company as they walk round.

I don't understand people on this chat blaming this girl for not being able to walk long distance. This is not the point of this post, their relationship is.

I think you need to raise this point with him, that he didn't consider your needs. Hopefully he can not see how hurt you were for this, hence his reaction. I hope you both get to a deeper understanding of each other and a deeper relationship.

His reaction will tell you a lot about who you think you will share your future with

That’s a lot. I’m a walker, not overweight, that would be too much for me too, I’m short too, DH is much taller and walks faster too. I purposely slow down before he realises I’m 500m behind him. Sod.

But, she said this first:

"I kept going because I didn't want to spoil the holiday, but on the third day I asked if we could get taxis for some of the longer walks."

Sorry, OP, but this is something you need to deal with yourself. I would also be absolutely gutted if a partner's weight and lifestyle put a dampner on a holiday like this one.

My husband is in his 40s and following a really bad accident walks with a limp and a cane. He's very fit, takes excellent care of himself, and would be able to manage a holiday like this. If he had issues I'd happily stop for him or get public transport because it would be something out of his control.

But you know this is a you problem and you need to do something about your weight, but you're still coming and complaining about his reaction. The truth is you're very young and obese, and it has had an impact on your health, which has had an impact on your holiday, which has had an impact on your relationship.

I'd be using this as a wake up call, not as an excuse to blame your partner for wanting to enjoy sight seeing and exploring on holiday together as a couple.

You've been overweight and out of shape for the whole relationship.
He knows this.
He's a prick.
You put yourself out there doing an activity that he enjoys, beyond your fitness level and that should be applauded. You pushed yourself for two days!
Your boyfriend should have been pleased with your efforts and proud of you.
Please re-evaluate your relationship. I fear he will always look for ways to keep you down and make you feel bad about yourself.
And you need someone to make you feel good about yourself now and support the changes you choose to make.

Op was walking up and down steep hills in temperatures of 30c.
I can walk 13000 steps easily in cool temperatures but not in 30c.
In fact I would say it's a foolish thing to do.

Is he usually quite considerate? I’m just checking he’s not a selfish tosser. If you think he isn’t, then being fit and healthy honestly makes life so much easier, so I’d say I’m unhappy with what that trip showed me about my fitness so I’m going to work on it, and I’d quite like you to show some awareness that I didn’t intentionally back out of plans, and also remember that you’re a foot taller than me. So while I may be able to get quite fit, that doesn’t mean you’re not always naturally walking faster and may have to slow down to walk with me.

You need to start slowly as lots of walking or movement when you are heavy will damage your joints so my advice is to lose a stone or a stone and a half through diet, low/no carb, fasting etc. before you embark on any exercise at all. Make a journal and take it really slow. Take care. This has been a horrible experience and I think he could have been a lot kinder to you so now, be kind to yourself.

I agree with others - you aren’t compatible.

He's young and wants to explore the world and stay physically active.

You're young but are happy to continue on your road to disability and don’t prioritise health or exploration. From what you’ve said about putting on weight because you’re in a “happy bubble” and stopping at cafes, I’m going to assume you get more satisfaction from eating than exploring.

You’re both adults and can do what you want, but maybe it’s best doing it separately and waiting to meet people you’re actually compatible with. Is he going to be happy pushing you around in a wheelchair in 10 years time when your legs have given way?

You aren’t inherently big OP, you aren’t just a pear shaped girlie. You just eat too much and your body is suffering. Either change or don’t but it’s incredibly painful for people around you to watch you do that to yourself and to have to suffer the consequences themselves. Being with someone who can’t walk an average of 10k steps a day is frustrating and no doubt having to support with all the health conditions and hospital appts that will come your way over the next decade.

I think you need to look for someone who also doesn’t like to exercise and perhaps has their own physical issues so you can have a similar lifestyle.

Have you talked to him yet OP? I think you need to think about how you adjust things in future so you can both get what yiu want out of trips. Eg my lazy (she says this, it isn't my judgement) friend hangs out by the pool whilst her super fit DH goes off mountain biking or trail running or whatever one day, then the next they do something they both will enjoy together. Or he goes on a very early morning hike whilst she has a lie in and then they do something cultural. Or he goes off on a biking holiday whilst she goes on one with her friends then they go tigether next time.

Re your BMI it's very easy for it to creep up - but you know you need to change it. Not for him not to get grumpy with you but for you, so you can enjoy doing the things you'd enjoy without getting knackered. So you're healthier and happier. Even if you get down to 30 or something you will still feel much better in your self. I personally would recommend the 5:2 or intermittent fasting diets, if you're a diet person, or just having a fixed healthy menu you stick to eg plain salad no dressing every lunch, omelette for breakfast etc. Cutting carbs right back made a massive difference for me. And try to walk more even if you can't do loads.

@georgiexox understand where you are coming from dh and I are reverse situation, on last city break I could see he was struggling (not that we would admit it)so we look our time we had afternoons enjoying a drink instead. You are not unreasonable to expect a partner to want you to comfortable and happy.

However you mention a few time you don’t have an active job, lots including myself don’t, I work from home and unless I put in effort I can do under 2k steps a day. So I bought a walking pad, it really helps especially in winter me move more I set a target of 12k and make sure I get those steps done each day. Maybe you could pick one up second hand if money is short but they do really help.

I have simular with my hubby he is over 6 ft and I am only just over 5 ft lol. We measured and his stride is the same as two of mine. So if he strides out I would be doing twice his steps and almost running to keep up. But we often walk with the dog and kids/grandkids so he strolls along with us at our pace. If he wants a fast walk he will go for a walk on his own.