Step mums comment regarding tanning beds has upset me

[TScarv]

I went for some food last night with my dad and step mum, I asked them if they’ve been away recently because they look very tanned, and they said no, they’ve just been using the tanning beds. My partner said he has never been on them but he might go on a few times before holiday so that he doesn’t burn, to which I replied that I don’t think it’s a good idea and he’d be best just protecting his skin in the sun. My dad said “you don’t like sun beds do you?” And I said no, they scare me. My step mum then said “I don’t care, it’s worth it”

AIBU to be a bit upset by this? Surely no one actually thinks that having a tan is worth getting skin cancer? Would she still have that same opinion if she’s hit with a melanoma diagnosis in the future? I didn’t say anything because it’s up to them what they want to do, and nothing to do with me. But the comment had upset me/annoyed me because I can’t wrap my head around how they value a tan over their skin health or life? Do people just not view skin cancer as important?

my grandma has smoked all her life and my dad has always begged her to stop but she didn’t. She now has COPD and is in a bad way and my dad is angry at her for not stopping years ago. But yet he’s messing with tanning beds?? How does that make sense?

I share your opinion about sun beds. However I think you are being oversensitive here. They didn't criticize you. Your comments could have been perceived as criticizing their behaviour. It came from a place of concern, but like you say, people can hardly say they weren't aware of the risks and they've still chosen to use them. Which is their choice. We all do things that we know aren't great for us to a greater or lesser extent - smoking, drinking, eating processed food, sitting on our arses too much...
You may be able to find a way to have a private conversation with your dad about why it worries you and link it to the grandma and COPD but people often don't handle receiving implicit criticism of their choices that well.

Its just a conversation. What are you getting upset about.

I wouldn’t be upset - I’d be angry at their ignorance.

Just let her get on with it, she will hate the interference as she will see it. We all know sun beds are dangerous but I guess we all take risks

DD34 often uses a sun bed before going away on holiday. She knows I don't approve, but she is an adult and can make her own choices. Not much I can do about it anyway.

My husband uses them once a week and I hate it. It worries the life out of me, particularly because his mum had malignant melanoma and she now has two huge, deep scars - one where they removed the cancer and one where they grafted the skin to use for the cancer site, as a constant reminder.

He won’t listen though. So YANBU but sadly, you just have to let them get on with it.

My dad regularly says he would rather die than cut down drinking or stop smoking. He knows the risks, I've given up being upset about it now. You can only control your own choices, you can't force someone to be responsible by loving them enough.

Obviously using a tanning bed is extremely stupid given all the evidence they cause skin cancer and death. However you can’t control the poor choices of other people. Thank god they are illegal here in Australia.

It not the same at all! Smoking is highly addictive and most smokers want to give it up but find it very difficult to stop.

I agree with you about tanning beds, I think they are dangerous, but I think its a bit extreme by bringing upset by your stepmother's comment.

I have family members who use sunbeds regularly
When they tell me about it I just nod and throw in a few filler words
They are never going to see them as a bad thing the way I do, they dont believe in the factor 50 I slap on either
Its not worth the tension at family events so ive just let it go and hope for the best for their sakes

Same with relatives who refuses to quit or limit their smoking.
As grown adults theyve accepted the risk and nothing I say will change their minds and it only upsets me so I just dont get involved

You can't argue with stupid. Let her get on with it,it's not your responsibility.

My friends son spent hours every week on sun beds, his not long started treatment for skin cancer on his leg, people just don’t learn
then they add extra cost to the NHS and increase the waiting list for those suffering through no fault of their own.
Sun beds should be banned, and self inflicted cancer treatment should be paid for by the patient, they can afford the tanning sessions.

@Beamsss
It appeared to me that the poster was trying to educate you and not judge you.
Of course you’re entitled to take any risks you want but if you’re going to share incorrect beliefs then you have to anccept others to correct you.
The difference is that nobody is going to die from not going to the gym every day or eating the occasional processed meal. You can die as a result of one bad episode of sunburn so the scenarios are not really comparable.

I can’t see who posted this comment but how unbelievably thick! Imagine saying one of the deadliest types of cancer is ‘no big deal’! 🤦‍♀️ If she genuinely did have melanoma it would not just have been ‘cut out’, there would have been a second surgery to remove more of the surrounding tissue. Your mother still sunbathing is going against all of the medical advice she would have been given! I had a second melanoma years after my first even after avoiding the sun completely! The risk of getting another is far greater than for the average person.

Is there any back story to this? I might get upset if I heard my mum talking like that to anyone young/impressionable about them as I carry a lot of resentment that she strongly encouraged/pressured me into using them in my early teens. She can knock herself out though

It's not just skin damage from sunbeds though. I'm blue-eyed and I've got a pterigium (benign growth in my eye) that appeared in my early 30s. I had lots of sun exposure on fortnightly holidays abroad as a child without sunglasses as my parents though they were pointless and just for fashion (like lots of people in the 70s and 80s). I was always in the pool (though not over midday) and I suspect the reflection from the water on my eyes was a major factor.

Optician told me you can also get it from sunbed use, especially if you're blue-eyed. Some people dont use the eye protection apparently as they dont want 'panda eyes' afterwards.

Worst case you need to get it surgically cut out once it starts to cover your pupil and affect your vision.

What about self inflicted lung cancer from smoking? Or liver damage from alcohol? Or heart disease caused by obesity?Should treatment for these also be self funded?

It’s incredible sun bed places still exist. But I’m also incredulous people still sunbathe in the actual sun.

But I wouldn’t get upset about it, it’s not any of your business.

It would upset me, I lost a close family member to skin cancer. It’s an awful disease. But ultimately you can’t do anything about it, but continue to discourage your partner from using one!

The point was that smoking and tanning are both bad for your health not anything about how easy it is to stop them. Plus there's hardly anyone alive who wasn't aware of smoking being bad for your health when they started.

Her comment wasnt aimed at you so dont know why you are so upset.

Well not really as many of those patients now in their senior years weren’t as aware as today, sun beds are known to be a cause of skin cancer, and very quickly takes hold, and there is often a flippant attitude
Having worked in a cancer unit, it’s frustrating to treat these young people,
many like my friends son who continues to go on sun beds for cosmetic reasons only, even while starting treatment, while others often children wait treatment, generally fast tracked but the lists for assessment still grows, of course others are self risk cancers, and could also be seen on beaches up and down the coast in 31c besides warnings, but addiction slightly different from cosmetic only risk takers, they are often more vulnerable and victims of past society.
The conversation was regarding sun beds..

I agree OP. Young people use them too which I’m amazed at, given the education on the harm of sunbeds.

If they consider the vanity issue, they will look like prunes when they are older. I know a few people who do.

A lot of people are unaware of the dangers when they start smoking because most people started as young teenagers/children thinking it looked cool. I started smoking at 11. My dad started smoking when he was 9. Disgusting, I know. Luckily kids are taught about the risks at school now and with the new ban it will be a thing of the past. I still smoke 27 years on and so far have no adverse effects but I don't like being a smoker anymore, it's just hard to break the habit.