Step mums comment regarding tanning beds has upset me

[TScarv]

I went for some food last night with my dad and step mum, I asked them if they’ve been away recently because they look very tanned, and they said no, they’ve just been using the tanning beds. My partner said he has never been on them but he might go on a few times before holiday so that he doesn’t burn, to which I replied that I don’t think it’s a good idea and he’d be best just protecting his skin in the sun. My dad said “you don’t like sun beds do you?” And I said no, they scare me. My step mum then said “I don’t care, it’s worth it”

AIBU to be a bit upset by this? Surely no one actually thinks that having a tan is worth getting skin cancer? Would she still have that same opinion if she’s hit with a melanoma diagnosis in the future? I didn’t say anything because it’s up to them what they want to do, and nothing to do with me. But the comment had upset me/annoyed me because I can’t wrap my head around how they value a tan over their skin health or life? Do people just not view skin cancer as important?

my grandma has smoked all her life and my dad has always begged her to stop but she didn’t. She now has COPD and is in a bad way and my dad is angry at her for not stopping years ago. But yet he’s messing with tanning beds?? How does that make sense?

Put a whole new spin on the phrase “dying for tan”!
Look after yourself OP, you and DP both appear to have your heads screwed on…….as for your dad, I guess love is blind in his case!

Not worth the upset.

My mum currently has five BCC’s and refuses to wear SPF.

I guess it’s just because I love them and would be affected by it if either of them got cancer. So to hear that they actively don’t care just feels distressing to me, but I may just be very sensitive lol
You're distressed because they disagree with you? sensitive? I’d say dramatic and childish.

Her comment wasn’t particularly personal or insulting to you. I don’t see why you need to be upset by it. She’s an adult and I’m sure knows the risks.

Tanning beds are terrible for your health and also they will make you look like a leather handbag by the time you are 40.

My friends who used tanning beds in the 90s now look significantly older and leathery/haggard compared to those of us who used sunscreen and stayed out of the sun. So even without the increased cancer risk its very ironic to me that you are doing something you think makes you look "better" when in the long run it will make you look much, much worse.

I can't believe how many people still use sunbeds, a colleague goes on 3 times a week! I was in the hairdressers on a boiling hot day and so many came in to use the beds, madness

But, we all do things that are risky, they've made a choice and you don't have to like it but you have to accept it. Tell them one time how you hate them using them and wish they'd reconsider for their health, then never mention it again, and dissuade your partner if poss

The world in full of people making choices which are suboptimal from a health perspective because they prioritise other things - smoking, drinking, dangerous activities (really any activity, including driving!).

Sun beds are not for me (although I confess to using them on the odd occasion when I was young) but I know I make other choices than endanger my health so....

I don't see anything there for you to be personally upset about. You can disagree.

Fwiw I usually do a few (like a handful) of short sessions at the start of the summer, just ti take the edge off my pastyness, so that I can be outside for more than 5 mins without burning. This year I decided to be sensible and not do it. 20 mins in the sea, in UK, and my tummy was really quite sore.

She sounds a bit stupid but she wasn’t being rude or nasty. I wouldn’t be upset by it.

Everyone choose what risks they’re willing to take. Some drink more than the recommended amount for example - maybe they wouldn’t phrase it as “I don’t care, it’s worth it” but that’s clearly the calculation being made, they like the taste of alcohol and the effect it has on them, and so don’t consider the increased risk of various cancers to be worth stopping/reducing drinking for.
Your step mum likes how she looks with a tan, maybe how she feels as well if it makes her more confident, and doesn’t consider the risk of skin cancer to be worth stopping over.

The fact that tanning beds - and tanning bed shops - are legal in 2026 is a massive mystery to me. That and boxing as a legitimate source of 'entertainment'.

I'm certain that because they are so normalised, people convince themselves there's no harm.

People who "can't believe" people still use sunbeds, can you believe people still smoke, drink, eat processed foods, don't exercise, eat too much etc etc. Why is it different?

Yes this. Being upset is a big over reaction.

also remember they are increasing their risk of skin cancer. They are not going to get skin cancer as some kind of certainty! You wouldn’t worry about people who drink alcohol or smoke in this way.

My partner said he has never been on them but he might go on a few times before holiday so that he doesn’t burn
Is he a shit hot lover or something because he seems a bit dim.

Like @KitsyWitsy I am also so pale I’m pale blue. I’m about to get a flight home after 10 days in the Balearics and I’m pleased to say I don’t have a tan nor am I burned. I didn’t sunbathe, wore clothes that covered my shoulders and factor 50?everywhere else.

I’m sure that when I go back to work on Monday people will say that i “don’t look like I’ve been on holiday” but do what?

People just don’t care.

We let people eat crap food, do stupid things, drive etc. all of those are risky.

Smoking and drinking is bad for your health but they aren’t banned?

YABU for thinking that ‘no one can think’ they’re acceptable just because you don’t. Controversially, some people have their own opinions.

If I use them gradually before a holiday, I don’t burn. If I don’t use them, I burn. Sunburn is worse for you than tanning gradually.

Not true. Sunbeds are primarily UVA while sunburn is caused by UVB. Sunbed use before a holiday does nothing other than damage your skin.

You’re still damaging your skin

I think you've taken her response a bit too personally. Whilst it isn't a good choice to make, she's entitled to use tanning beds if she wants to. My in-laws smoke like chimneys, there's little to be gained from pointing out the bleeding obvious to them so I never have.

I think it’s a bit silly to act like a sunbed is the only way to prevent a sunburn though. Wear suncream, stay in the shade wear possible etc.

I mean, as I’ve said upthread I think people make choices that aren’t the best for their health all the time, and sunbeds are no different. And I don’t really understand people’s desperate superiority over not using sunbeds while being unhealthy in multiple other ways. But a sunbed is not protecting your skin.

I used to have terrible back acne and the one thing that helped was sunshine/a tan. I did use them when in my early twenties because of this and it made such a difference to my self esteem. We weren’t so aware of the dangers back in the 90s though so they were used a lot. I wouldn’t use them now because of the risk.

You just have to let them get on with it really. Many adults will have some habit/preference that could increase the risk of cancer: alcohol, obese, certain foods. You can’t police them but I’d be encouraging my DP to stay away from them.

Yep- UVA causes ageing and UVB causes burning. The most protection you'd get from a tan would be SPF 2 or 4 - hardly anything significant and certainly not enough to be completely safe if you are prone to burn

It sounds like you may have upset them as well.

telling people something they like doing is unhealthy/a bad idea often upsets them.

your partner was polite and you were bluntly honest.

I agree. I went on holiday with some friends when I was much younger and they thought their sunbed tans meant they wouldn't burn. They burnt badly on the first day.

People take risks all the time. Drinking alcohol, poor diet, not enough exercise, smoking, not having vaccines, unprotected sex, sports, driving. It is just a risk, it's not as simple as you do this and you will die. People have the freedom to balance the risk against the benefits and make a personal choice.
I think you're overreacting, most of us are taking risks. Getting upset at everyone for the risks they chose to take is irrational. It's not good for your own wellbeing to carry that, it's not good for others to feel judged and criticised and it's not good for your relationships.