Assaulted by doubles partner - would you take further?

[Katiew29]

I play a racquet sport as part of a weekly group where we rotate doubles partners. One of the men can be a bit animated - always high fiving at the end of sets, sometimes he jubilantly hugs his playing partner if they win. Fine, that’s what some people are like.

Last night, after we won a set and were walking to have a drinks break, he sharply slapped my bum. I told him not to do that again. He said sorry and that it was an ‘encouraging slap’ and he does it all the time, but usually to male partners and he ‘forgot himself’. I played on but felt really uncomfortable.

I broke down when I got home and saw DH, I explained what happened and he was furious. He thinks I should file a report with both the police and the club where we play. Do you think this would be excessive? At the very least, I think I will inform the club.

The police won’t do anything about this
Of course not, they have much important business to get on with!

The police would laugh behind your back at reporting this

That doesn't mean that every time he has done it to someone else that it has been sexual assault.

So have I, and so have many other women on this thread, even the OP might have had much worse happen. It still doesn't mean that this particular incident wasn't sexual assault, which it is and OP is entitled to feel upset about. Sexual assault is a broad spectrum legally.

There’s a lot of abusive men on Mumsnet and women who think it’s ok for women to be abused by men so don’t take the poll for gospel!

report this arsehole to the club and the police as he assaulted you!!

So out of curiosity, what makes you believe it was sexually motivated?

I don't see any point in going to the police unless the OP suspects that the man was trying to hurt her or to get a sexual thrill. If she believes his story, then it makes much more sense to deal with the issue either direct with him (as she has done) or with the club. And I think it's very unlikely that the police would prosecute.

Conversely, would you feel so cross if it were your son had been the complete idiot in this scenario?
Thought not

It's about the impact on the victim not the intent of the perpetrator.

Though, honestly, I would bet money that smacking a woman's bum is sexually motivated. He just thought he could get away with it.

Let it go, unless it happens again.

Isn't there a parallel here with the case in which the Spanish football federation president kissed a female football player after her team won.

Just like the OP's doubles partner, he also claimed that he did it in a spirit of over enthusiasm at the win, and yet a Spanish court convicted him of sexual assault, find him the equivalent of £8,942 and he was suspended from his job.

He eventually resigned, which he was pretty much forced to do, by the outcry his behaviour caused.

I wonder how many posters on here saying that the OP should just let it go thought the same about the football player.

Can't see a lot of difference really.

Actually I would be upset if one of my adult ds was doing that.

Not touching someone wo their consent, let alone on their bottom (or beasts etc…) is somethimg I’d hope they know and would never do.

It makes total sense to stop such disgraceful behaviour! In what circumstances is it ok for anyone to slap someone on the arse because ‘they always do it’ ! Even cat-calling and wolf whistling after someone is no longer tolerated!

Men who physically assault women are cowards and often back down when a man tells them to. Doesn't really matter what century it is.

We've heard from lots of people that this slapping on the bottom behaviour is currently popular in various sports. The best way to stop the behaviour not only of this man but potentially of other men (and conceivably even women) at the club is to go via the club and to get them to send an email round or to amend the club rules or whatever.

you don't actually know though.
It could be a complete one off and him just not thinking.
It could be the tip of an iceberg of dodgy behaviour.

Look at Gisele Pelicot - her husband was only found out because he was caught taking up-skirt photos. Lots of people would say that's not something to bother going to the police about - it could be argued that someone taking a blurry, unidentifiable picture that might get a half view of your pants if they're lucky is less serious/humilating than someone smacking your bum in front of others.

Also worth noting that in Scotland and Wales smacking a child on the bum is illegal, so not sure why it should be accepted for a man to do to a woman. Even if he does do it to men as well, perhaps they don't like it either!

Personally I would definitely report it to the club. At least then there will be a record even if you don't take it further immediately, Police would depend on exactly how he reacted - if he was mortified and apologetic then it might lend credence to his 'he does it to mates and just forgot' excuse, even if it doesn't excuse it. If he just shrugged it off and gave a token apology to shut you up I'd be tempted to take it further.

Are you close with any of the other people who were playing to chat to them about it? They might be able to confirm if he does/n't slap men usually.

I see a difference, that it’s his norm with men to go butt slapping after the game and that it’s not just his norm but other men’s norm and they are all fine with it (based on here and also men I know, different code and a long way away). So it’s a plausible argument that he got carried away and forgot, while the football man did not normally kiss whoever was closest after a match, it was particular treatment at this woman with no reasonable grounds for I do the all the time and everyone kisses me too and we’re all comfortable with that.

he shouldn’t have done it to be clear.

I wouldn't call the police. At the time I would have said 'if you slap my arse again I will break your fucking hand and report you to the police'. Im old and cranky and I wouldnt take any shit from a lech, and I always imagine these things are happening to younger me, or a woman who couldn't speak up - because Im far braver now I can so I will.

If I hadn't done it in the moment, id pull him to one side and Id say it now. I wouldn't contact police (cos they are useless) and I wouldn't let my partner have a word (because im ballsy enough to do it myself). If you aren't though, get your DH to put him straight. Hes a pig.

I’ve never seen any professional or amateur sports player slap their team mates arse. There is no need for him to touch her unless is a handshake or a consensual hug. Women shouldn’t still be dealing with crap like this. I’d report it to both the club and the police, things like this are quite often the thin end of the wedge. I’d want it recorded officially in case he does something like this again.

I wouldn't call the police. At the time I would have said 'if you slap my arse again I will break your fucking hand and report you to the police'. Im old and cranky and I wouldnt take any shit from a lech, and I always imagine these things are happening to younger me, or a woman who couldn't speak up - because Im far braver now I can so I will
Or just 'don't do it again' which would suffice!

I can’t believe this is being described as a sexual assault! He overstepped but it’s entirely plausible this is his behaviour with both sexes. Inappropriate but not illegal. Also, what if it had been a strong slap on the shoulders?

Yeah me too - but I’d consider someone calling the police as a massive overreaction which could unfairly blight his life forever

The police haven't got time to investigate stuff like this and he could deny anywayb unless there was a witness. Than@kfully you told him at the time . Id tell the club but not the police as a one off .

Why would it unfairly blight his life, if it's an action he did? Surely that's entirely fair and a response to his choices.

Don't want to be reported, don't assault people.

If it was a doubles match there would be other players as witnesses!
Police absolutely can and do follow this up. A man in our local area narrowly escaped jail (only because he was a big employer) for skapping a woman's arse.