Assaulted by doubles partner - would you take further?

[Katiew29]

I play a racquet sport as part of a weekly group where we rotate doubles partners. One of the men can be a bit animated - always high fiving at the end of sets, sometimes he jubilantly hugs his playing partner if they win. Fine, that’s what some people are like.

Last night, after we won a set and were walking to have a drinks break, he sharply slapped my bum. I told him not to do that again. He said sorry and that it was an ‘encouraging slap’ and he does it all the time, but usually to male partners and he ‘forgot himself’. I played on but felt really uncomfortable.

I broke down when I got home and saw DH, I explained what happened and he was furious. He thinks I should file a report with both the police and the club where we play. Do you think this would be excessive? At the very least, I think I will inform the club.

I’m sorry you were assaulted by this man OP. Don’t let posters minimize it. Absolutely report formally the club. Insist he is banned. I hope you’re ok. We believe you.

When you see him, tell him he needs to watch his step, and if he doesn’t, he’s going to land himself in a heap of trouble acting like that.

The twat shouldn’t need telling in this day and age.

Tap on the bum is so inapproprate.
Bum is sexual
Other body isnt is it!

Wow. Would you write this if OP was your daughter or wife?

Thought not

I would make a note of it, and keep an ear cocked for other misdemeanors by this chap.
It could have been meant totally innocently.
Don't ruin this chaps life for one mistake, unless you know it's not a one-off.

I feel women have to be careful, but back in the 70's this was the 'norm'
NOT saying it should have been or should be now but we need to man up so we get taken seriously when it's needed.

I think women can feel under pressure regarding how we 'ought' to deal with men's assaults - as if there is a morally correct way to respond. Instead, perhaps think about the outcomes you want & the consequences you'd prefer to avoid and plan the best way of achieving these.

For me, if he seemed generally decent, I might ask to have a word and explain why his behaviour was so out of order and how bum slapping is experienced by women who are all at some level continually aware of and guarding against the potential of men to assault them. I'd put up with the discomfort of the conversation if I thought the outcome could be a realization of what he'd done and a change in his behaviour. I wouldn't do this if I thought he wouldn't listen or I'd get emotional. I'd be less inclined to put up with the discomfort around reporting him if I wasn't sure how officials would respond & how effective the outcome would be. I'd do it if I was confident in the process and the people.

Basically, I'd think through likely scenarios and try to guess what will make you feel better not worse, rather than doing what anyone else thinks you ought to.

Tbh I probably would.

Padel?

bad behaviour v common.

report to the club. Do not accept this.

How would getting kicked out of a tennis club ruin his life 😂😂😂

I totally agree with this - there are some way OTT responses on this thread. Do people seriously think this is something for the police to get involved in? As in, the police who don't have the capacity to investigate much more serious offences than a slap on the bum properly? Those police?

I think what OP has already done in making it clear that she was not okay with his behaviour is the right thing. If he's said sorry, he's never done it to her before, she's not aware of him doing it to other women, and he's always been fine to be around otherwise, I can't see any benefit to taking it any further. Don't partner up with him again if you feel uncomfortable - he will know why you don't want to be his partner and if he's an otherwise okay bloke he'll be much more mindful of how he behaves in the future.

Please be assured Katie that the poll result is only slightly in the direction of YABU. The question was whether or not you would be unreasonable to take it further. I think most of us agree that your being upset is not unreasonable.

Have you seen him do this to male players? If so, I would speak to someone at the club and ask them to not do anything for now, just make them aware it happened and then if it happens again or to another woman then they know it’s not just a one off accidental moment as he claims.

If he doesn’t do this to male players I’d be more concerned that he’s just tried his luck and when you pulled him up on it has made an excuse and then I would make an official complaint.

I Want to start by saying how you feel is totally valid, and you did the right thing speaking out at the time but i would try to weigh it up. This man has a history of being very OTT on the court and has never to your knowledge made any sexual comments or unwanted touches towards anyone you know of. Personally i would make the club aware, and ask to no longer be put in pairs with him in the future, this safe guards yourself and puts it on record. If you hear of any other Sexual assault happening, i would then report it to police.

Hysteria is a word often used to minimise the reaction of women to what men do to them. You are a misogynist and touching women in this way is the thin end of the wedge. Report the fucker to the police and to the club. I hope you are ok, OP.

And I wonder how those men feel. May be they don’t like it either. What a twunt.

I'm really surprised at the poll results on this so far. I'm a bloke and I'd be really fucking annoyed if a random smacked my arse, I can only imagine how much worse it'd be for a woman.

At the very least I'd be reporting it to the club, and I'd be seriously thinking about the police as well.

The police is definitely overkill and would be a waste of their time. I think you could put in writing to the club that you think members should be made aware of the fact that it is not appropriate to do this to women (on the basis that apparently it's common to do this in sport). I wonder whether all men like it being done to them - I doubt it.

Nope. Slapping someone’s bum without their permission is not acceptable. It never has been. It was just accepted at times but shouldn’t have been. It’s not the OPs job to watch to see if this man messes up again. It’s this man’s job to regulate his own emotions and behaviours. The OPs only job is to decide what she wants to do about something that was a violation of her body autonomy.

It will be recorded in the stats. So if the OP decides to report it there is something to be gained. If the police talk to him then he will definitely be more aware of his actions in future.

I would definitely advise making a formal complaint to the club. In writing. And make it clear that you view it as assault, and if it happens again to you, or you observe him doing it to another woman, then you WILL make a complaint of assault to the Police.

You are not being unreasonable. People have been conditioned into thinking this is normal - it’s not. If a random stranger did it in the street nobody would say that was ok would they? At the very least, report him to the club formally and make them tell him it is sexual assault. Also if you’re comfortable you could tell him what he did is sexual assault and that you will not be playing with him again. You do not have to make yourself uncomfortable to protect a man’s feelings. His sexual contact wasn’t welcome and he needs to be officially told that by the club.

If it is a proper club, with policies and procedures, they will not be able to do anything unless there is an official complaint. There is no such thing as an “unofficial complaint” - if someone “just wants to let you know but doesn’t want to make a complaint” then no action can be taken as there is no basis for doing so. Without an official complaint it would look like the club is taking action on a whim.

it is so frustrating when someone makes an “unofficial complaint” as absolutely nothing can be done.

To report it is to make a judgement about why you think he did it . Do you think he did it for sexual gratification? Or did he misjudge a gesture of camaraderie wrongly in the heat of the moment and wishes he could chop his hand off now . From what you've said he's rather tactile and likes to celebrate loundly anyway with hugs and high fives etc . I honestly couldn't put anyone or their family through a police visit for whats probably the one of the worst things you can be accused of if I wasn't fairly sure their was genuine sexual intent , especially when I've dealt with it immediately and made it clear despite his intent it was inappropriate and very unappreciated . That's not to say your not entitled to feel violated or uncomfortable,but it s not a criminal matter more of a misunderstanding of personal boundaries .

How do you feel about being around him/ playing with him in future? Could you subtly find out if he does indeed do this to male players? Do you think it was a genuine mistake?

Yeah men do this in sport. I wouldn't escalate it, personally. Sport is one of the few times men feel ok showing any sort of affection to each other and he just saw you as a sporting companion in that moment. Up to you, though.