Assaulted by doubles partner - would you take further?

[Katiew29]

I play a racquet sport as part of a weekly group where we rotate doubles partners. One of the men can be a bit animated - always high fiving at the end of sets, sometimes he jubilantly hugs his playing partner if they win. Fine, that’s what some people are like.

Last night, after we won a set and were walking to have a drinks break, he sharply slapped my bum. I told him not to do that again. He said sorry and that it was an ‘encouraging slap’ and he does it all the time, but usually to male partners and he ‘forgot himself’. I played on but felt really uncomfortable.

I broke down when I got home and saw DH, I explained what happened and he was furious. He thinks I should file a report with both the police and the club where we play. Do you think this would be excessive? At the very least, I think I will inform the club.

You addressed it with him at the time, he explained his actions and apologised. Does it really need to go any further than that?

As someone who has been involved in competitive team sports their whole life (rugby, hockey, rowing) I would say slapping on the arse is pretty uncommon. Slaps on the back, congratulatory hugs, high fives, ruffling of the hair after a score or final whistle were the norm.

@Katiew29 I voted YABU because I think it's excessive to go to the Police. But I certainly don't think you are unreasonable to feel outraged about it, and I do think you should complain to the club, so that he gets the message loud and clear that he needs NOT to do it again (it isn't alright to do it and apologise).

I once served drinks for an event in a family member's bar on hallowe'en, dressed as a zombie in a hospital gown. While I was walking around the bar, a man put his hand inside my gown and squeezed my bum.

I froze and remember feeling that horrible, hot, sticky panic bubble in my chest, I was incredulous, embarrassed, and also immediately, simultaneously making excuses for the man. He must be drunk, my gown was sort of open at the back, I've worked in bars before and this is just par for the course... despite knowing inside myself that there is no excuse and that I was really upset.

I told my mum immediately and she said "sometimes darling, women are just as bad as men", whatever the fuck that means in this context??? I remember how I felt, and the thought of some unknown random man feeling so entitled to my body plus my mum's completely baffling response, still upset me now.

Long story short, it is not ok to touch anyone who has not actively invited you to do so. You are entitled to feel upset, and no mountain/molehill BS supersedes your own experience of unwanted touching. You should deal with it in whichever way makes you feel reassured.

Its not Ok for him to be doing this to male partners anymore than female partners.

its 2026. If he sexually assaults someone (and this is sexual assault) then he faces the consequences. He’s defending himself saying he’s repeatedly sexually assaulting people at the club so at the very least the club should deal with it formally. If the OP wants to go to the police that is her choice. He committed a crime.

Just bull advice 🤣

It's only sexual assault if the potential victim feels it is.

I've actually been sexually assaulted and a slap on the arse is nowhere near as traumatic

He was wrong but you dealt with it at the time. I can't see what outcome you could hope for by taking it further.

It’s fairly split in terms of going to the police but a lot of us support you. At the very least report to the club and refuse to play with him again. Don't stop going, just sit out if he is on the court and tell people why (he assaulted you)

OP I would report this man to the club at the very least.
This thread is encouraging in that most posters agree that something should be done about a creep who can't keep his hands to himself. I'm 64 but when I was young, it was considered just one of those things if a man was "handsy". In my first job after university there was a researcher (I worked in a univ lab) who would come into my workplace on the pretence of making an enquiry and put his arm round me, "accidentally" touching my bust. He did it to other women too and we laughed it off, calling him an old pervert and an octopus. We wouldn't have complained about him because we knew we wouldn't be taken seriously. These days I wouldn't hesitate to get him into serious trouble.

The bum is an intimate area .. but maybe not in a team sport competition in which the culture (which is not for me BTW) is patting head, hands, backs, bums and legs.

The world of professional, single sex sport is rather different - footballers also run around with their shirts over their heads, hugging and kissing each other. It isn't creepy, it's an all-men strong community.

@Katiew29 I think you should report it to the club. They should ask you what you would like to happen (not make promises that they will do it, but they should ask you).
You can say that you would like them to speak to him to remind him that all touching must be with consent; that bum-slapping and hugging may be unwanted and unwelcome, by people of either sex; and bum-slapping in particular may cause some people distress; that just because people have not complained/objected does not mean they are not uncomfortable- sexual assault is under-reported and people engaging in social activities when such things occur are conditioned by society to “not make a fuss”.

You can of course say you would like any other resolution - I am just trying to demonstrate that it is not all-or-nothing report to the police or say nothing.

But he justified by saying I do it to others… I’m sure many men wouldn’t want it either!

We all have different experiences, it’s not a competition. I have been raped and I am still fuming for OP. I think the club and/or police would have a word with him, even if he is not going to be sent to jail for it. The point is your “advice” was not correct.

Often these people start with a slap on the bum that nobody questions, they get bold and move on to worse things.

No - I think a word from your husband would be quite sufficient. I know you were affronted by his actions, but it does seem that is his character and he acts the same with men and women. What would be the point of reporting the man - maybe getting him a criminal record in so doing? Please don't.

I think there is far too much 'report him, 'report them' suggestions on here. People should just deal with most things themselves and they will mostly work out.

I think you need to look at the meaning of it… obviously consent is a factor and this woman did not consent

That would be my view & approach. But then, I wouldn’t be especially upset by it, just pissed off. If you’ve told him not to do it again then I’m not sure what else you think should happen.

I think your actions at the time were totally correct, and you made it clear to him not to do it again. And I wouldn't partner him again.

I certainly wouldn’t get my husband to say anything FGS - how infantalising is that. I’m perfectly capable of putting a dickhead in his place without running to my husband to protect his piece of property.

^ This.
I would hold off reporting to the police at this stage if I were you but it definitely needs reporting to the club and, if nothing is done by the club, then, in your shoes, I might take it further and report it to the police, if only to make someone take notice.

I was also coming on to say that, I'm pretty bloody certain, he doesn't go around slapping other men on the arse.

Short answer OP. He was inappropriate. You responded in an appropriate manner.

No I wouldn't take it further to answer your question assuming it does not recur.

This woman is not owned by her husband. Why can’t he not sexually assault women (and men). His defence was I do it to others.. therefore the club needs to be made aware and step in. Let’s also not forget the violence part. Touching a bum is sexual assault but hurting someone with a slap and the humiliation too makes it far worse. Women were subjected to this in the office in the 70s and we’ve move on but some still seem to think it’s only a bit fun. It’s not - she was assaulted and humiliated. It’s only by consequences that this man and others will learn