Assaulted by doubles partner - would you take further?

[Katiew29]

I play a racquet sport as part of a weekly group where we rotate doubles partners. One of the men can be a bit animated - always high fiving at the end of sets, sometimes he jubilantly hugs his playing partner if they win. Fine, that’s what some people are like.

Last night, after we won a set and were walking to have a drinks break, he sharply slapped my bum. I told him not to do that again. He said sorry and that it was an ‘encouraging slap’ and he does it all the time, but usually to male partners and he ‘forgot himself’. I played on but felt really uncomfortable.

I broke down when I got home and saw DH, I explained what happened and he was furious. He thinks I should file a report with both the police and the club where we play. Do you think this would be excessive? At the very least, I think I will inform the club.

Oh and meant to say, please don't ask your husband to speak to him.

You dealt with it absolutely perfectly. You don't need a man to speak for you.

I am very pro calling men out on their behaviour. But I do think contacting the police about this is OTT. I honestly don’t think the police would do anything about this.

I think the best thing would be to have an informal word with somebody at the club about it - maybe a memo could be sent out to all members reminding them about their conduct.

I absolutely hate the fact that this is even a thing… but I would also be careful about being thought of as somebody who ‘causes issues’ as I think the majority of people would think anything further than an informal word would be OTT. You might struggle getting a partner etc. going forward.

You report him to the police, and to the club. Put your report in writing to the club committee and make sure they know you’re contacting the police. His behaviour is not acceptable under any circumstances! No one has any rights whatsoever to slap, touch, feel, grope, makes any kind of physical contact with another person!

Your poll is about whether you should report it to the Police.
And I can see why many people would think it’s not worth it - in part because what do you think will happen if you do?

But I woudnt take that as a sign you’re over reacted and his behaviour is normal etc…. Because it’s not.
And yes even ‘they all do it at football’.
If other men are happy to be touched by a man on a foot ball pitch says nothing about whether it’s ok for men to touch women bottom on the pitch or outside the pitch or during some competition (fir whatever sport).

I would report it to the club @Katiew29.
It migut only fine out as an email or letter to all members telling them to remember their manners, including not touching people’s bottom.
Some men might be thankful for that too

I think it’s a little excessive to go to the police , but certainly mention it to the club. Maybe they can send out a memo about how banter-type behaviour is not tolerated.

Well done on calling him out at the time.

@Katiew29 I voted YANBU. I wouldn't go as far as police at this stage. Like others have said, I would have a word with the club and do not partner him again. Make it clear it's because of the slap though - don't make excuses. Think the whole slapping women or men on the bum (carried away or not) is really weird. Way back in the 1990s there was a mad episode of Friends when Chandler's boss kept whacking Chandler and other male employees on the arse and bursting out laughing. To watch it now, it just looks rank and shows how far we've come regarding power play and what's acceptable. I hope you get a better doubles partner OP.

I know this isn't the acceptable thing to say on MN, but I think this is pretty personal in terms of how much it upsets a person. It wouldn't bother me at all, but I know that some people (men and women) would utterly hate it. Hopefully this man realises that now and has learnt a lesson. I wouldn't take it further but frankly if my husband was angry then I'd let him have a stern word with him. I appreciate this sounds very retro, but giving my honest opinion.

And there it is in your last paragraph: don't be that woman who 'causes issues'. Smile nicely and accept whatever men dish out to you.

That is why men like this think they should be at liberty to assault women by slapping them in this way and 9 times out of 10 the woman won't want to 'cause issues' or make a fuss.

Bloody hell. I thought we'd moved on from that sort of thinking.

I agree totally with DizzyDrizzy.
MN does seem to get a bit hysterical over things that could be sorted with a forceful reprimand. You have already put him in his place and just follow it up, next time you see him, with that if he so much as touches you in future you will take it further and be done with it.

Only you really know the context and how it felt at the time.

If you genuinely believed him when he apolgised/explained I wouldn’t take it any further.

If you felt it was sexual then report it.

It is common in men’s sports teams to pat each other on the bum.

My lacrosse team also does, it’s just what we do, I’ve never really thought about it or felt it was inappropriate.

I would certainly report it to the club

Yeah, apart from being a sexual offence, it is very belittling and condescending condescending. How dare he imagine he has the right to touch your arse! 😡

I would do neither. You told him not to do it again, he didn’t and his explanation seemed reasonable to me - over familiar and overly jubilant.

I wouldn’t like it , but if his behaviour was otherwise fine, I wouldn’t destroy his life over it

Could you not have grasped his testicles and sharply twisted them?
Or maybe thrust your tennis racket handle hard up in his crotch?

I agree. You could refuse to partner him in future too and tell him and the others exactly why.
That’s what I would do, I think.

Honestly, he did it, you didn't like it, he apologised.

If he doesn't show any more inappropriate behaviour, I'd leave it.

You watch other sports & it happens all the time. He may have genuinely forgotten himself and been on auto pilot.

Unless there's a big back story about his behaviour, I'd leave it.

I'd leave it, personally. It was a one-off, you called it out, he apologised and gave what sounds like a plausible explanation. If it happened again, then absolutely do something about it.

That's just me though. I also don't think I'd still be feeling raw the next day over what, to me, was a fairly minor incident I'd dealt with and he'd apologised. And before anyone jumps on me, I've been the victim of sexual assault and more, so I do understand how violating unwanted touching can be.

That said, I personally wouldn't put a celebratory slap on the bum in a public, non-threatening sporting environment, followed by an apology, in the same category as sexual assault. If he'd actually groped your bum or your breast, that would be a completely different conversation.

But I'm not you, and everyone reacts differently. Only you know why this has stayed with you, whereas I'd probably have put it behind me straight after the event. I think going to the police would be OTT.

As someone else asked, if you report it to the club, what are you hoping will happen? You've already had an apology, so what outcome are you looking for?

I think it is really good that you told him in no uncertain terms immediately. It it is easy to freeze in those situations.

Whether you take it further is up to you but I think you have done brilliantly so far

Although I do not believe for a minute that he ‘forgot himself’.

Nobody just forgets the difference between a male bum and a female bum, nor social norms

He was pushing boundaries. I suspect he knows that and had his excuse worked out in advance

OP, you are not being unreasonable if you feel that you should report it. I’m in my 60s and when younger, women put up with the sexual ‘banter’, the staring at our breasts, rubbing against us etc. We never called these obnoxious men out. Women have come a long way since then and stand up for themselves more, and men should now know what the boundaries are.

Having said all that, and maybe it’s me reverting and being a wimp, I would contact the man and tell him that what he did was sexual assault and that you are going to report it unless he stops, even with men. It’s possible that he did forget himself but if he’s genuine in his apology then he will understand. If he argues then report straight away, no buts (excuse the unintended pun)

What result do you want?

The end result if the police/CPS took it to court for sexual assault is that he would be will be placed on the Sex Offenders register for a fixed period (typically 5 years). This requires them to register their home address, travel plans, and any changes in circumstances with the police.

Any DBS Check would pick that up and it would bar them from many professions, volunteering roles, or positions of trust for the rest of their life.

A Permanent Criminal Record would be likely to restrict international travel (such as getting a visa for the US or Australia).

Then some mens groups would publicise this as "man loses whole life over brief pat on bum", and many in the club would likely cease to be your friends.

I get you can argue that this is entirely his own fault. But the range of answers here suggests that many (most) would see such an outcome as disproportionate.

What an over dramatic response! He did something that he normally does to men, so it wasn't a sexual gesture. He got caught in the heat of the moment and made the same gesture without realising you would take it differently.

He realised it was wrong, apologised right away and you chose to continue playing. If such forgetfulness is going to have such an impact on you, you probably should stick to playing with women only.

I mean, non-consentually touching a man's bum is also sexual assault. It's really not ok to be touching anyone's bum without a clear invitation!

I mean, non-consentually touching a man's bum is also sexual assault. It's really not ok to be touching anyone's bum without a clear invitation!
Which is where the world has gone plain stupid! The guy does it to his male partners. Is that likely sexual too? Not all touch is sexual in nature!

What next? Touching one shoulder? Could be a sexual rub! We are already evolving in a society where people limit communication for the fear of offending, next nobody will come close to 5 metres of eachother in case it's interpreted as a sexual pass!

The police won’t do anything about this