Assaulted by doubles partner - would you take further?

[Katiew29]

I play a racquet sport as part of a weekly group where we rotate doubles partners. One of the men can be a bit animated - always high fiving at the end of sets, sometimes he jubilantly hugs his playing partner if they win. Fine, that’s what some people are like.

Last night, after we won a set and were walking to have a drinks break, he sharply slapped my bum. I told him not to do that again. He said sorry and that it was an ‘encouraging slap’ and he does it all the time, but usually to male partners and he ‘forgot himself’. I played on but felt really uncomfortable.

I broke down when I got home and saw DH, I explained what happened and he was furious. He thinks I should file a report with both the police and the club where we play. Do you think this would be excessive? At the very least, I think I will inform the club.

At the very least they can monitor his behaviour in future

How many chances should he get, do you think, at non consensually touching people before anyone does anything about it?

Absolutely report him, to the club and the police!
These disgusting men, who think they have a right to do that, then laugh it off, need to be bought to account.
We put up with it in the 80s, thankfully times have moved on, it’s no longer acceptable behaviour.

That is what I would compare it to. But it was really quite forceful.

They do at football when they get subbed on or off

I wouldn’t do anything except ask him not to do it again. I think there’s a lot of over reacting going on here. Sorry OP but I think it’s important to get a balance of answers not the MN hysteria

She said he slaps men's bottoms all the time?

@Katiew29
Another one here to say and official report to the club is absolutely necessary because under UK law he did commit an offence and he may babe done this to other women. It takes a village of women sometimes to deal appropriately with behaviour like this as we have all seen in recent cases. Think about the young women and girls who maybe more vulnerable. this man doesn’t just play tennis he lives in a community outside of the tennis club.

No excuses for not knowing laws of the country and Unless this man is 100 years old and lives under a rock he must know we have come a long way for him to find excuses for his behaviour. But even the fact that you are here questioning what you should do makes me think perhaps we have not come far enough as women to take action. It is all well and good that some strong women and men campaign for laws to protect us and many of us wonder if breaking those laws are reportable.

Report it if you want.
The butt slap in sport is a universal gesture of comeraderie. Watch the world cup. He will definitely be doing this to male partners too, unless you actively think he is a pervert.

I don't think it is overkill. If he thinks this is OK, what else does he think is OK? It could be that he just a stupid man, it could be that this is indicative of a wider pattern of behaviour. If the latter, having this incident on record might be useful one day.

It's VERY common in men's sports.

Watch any World Cup game. EVERY player does it.

I’d have a word with the club and I’d refuse to partner him.

Report it to the club.
Someone (a friend) did this to me some 25 yrs ago and I couldn't speak to them for a month. I get it.

100% report him to the club!! Verbally and in writing.

State that this is wholly unacceptable, and you expect this member to be spoken to immediately. Any further unwanted touch of this kind may merit police involvement.

Make it clear this man is a pest.

This doesn’t make it ok.

Op was made to feel uncomfortable.

Report him. Hopefully whatever follows will help him learn not to ‘forget himself’ again.

Why is patting on the back or head absolutely fine but patting on the bum something that should involve the police?

I would genuinely prefer to be patted on the bum than the other two places (I hate having my head touched by other people and anything can trigger a bad back for me).

Don't you need to have some contact with team mates in team sport to show camaraderie?

He definitely shouldn’t have done it and it sounds like it was quite painful, which would have upset me too, OP. It doesn’t sound on the face of it like it was sexually motivated. It is a common thing in many sports, and he may well do it to male partners as well. In your shoes I don’t think I would take it further than letting him know clearly that it’s not acceptable, which you have done.

I bet a lot of the men are also uncomfortable with this but wouldn’t report or complain because they would be embarrassed about it.

I am trying to be reasoned, I think I’m upset still because it’s so raw. I do notice the poll result so far is that I am being unreasonable.

Yeah it seems to be when they do it too. Seriously weird as fuck to me, especially in ‘this day and age’. I genuinely struggle to believe anyone wants to be slapped on the arse by a random sporting collègue but there we are.

if he was suitably mortified, made a sincere apology etc I probably wouldn’t be wanting to turn this into an assault charge for someone - but I also wouldn’t want to play with them again I doubt. If I felt it was very specifically aimed at me - either because I’m a woman or just because it’s me - then I’d 100% be reporting it. You do say he’s one of those (frankly tiresome) over-enthusiastic at club sports people so less likely if he’s normal otherwise.

bit I’m not the one who’s been slapped so it’s easy to pontificate about what I would or wouldn’t do

You pulled him up. I personally would leave it there. However if you feel the need then speak to someone at the club.

I certainly wouldnt be reporting to the police. Total overkill.

I think it depends.

for context, I also play a doubles racquet sport at club level, and understand the atmosphere that often goes with it.

If you’ve seen him do it to others, then I would be more inclined to think that he forgot himself in the heat of the moment and leave it with your entirely justified comments to him. I would hope if it was a genuine blip in otherwise acceptable behaviour over the years, he’d be mortified and it would never happen again.

but if you’ve never seen him do it to anyone else, I would take a much harsher line, and report. I think most clubs now have to have safeguarding / welfare reps now, so I would start by speaking to them in the first instance.

I think you should report it, at least to the club. You said he said "he does it all the time, but usually to male partners" which means other women have been affected, and he needs to know that he can't continue.

Yes, he assaulted you. Report it. Let’s see how his “encouraging” slap on the arse line works when he speaks to the police. I’m prepared to bet he doesn’t slap any male players on the bum.

My first question to @Katiew29 is what does resolution look like to you? Do you want him removed from the club, warned or would you prefer not to partner with him again?

By all means report him to the club, I rather doubt that this would reach a threshold for the Police to proceed to prosection.