Assaulted by doubles partner - would you take further?

[Katiew29]

I play a racquet sport as part of a weekly group where we rotate doubles partners. One of the men can be a bit animated - always high fiving at the end of sets, sometimes he jubilantly hugs his playing partner if they win. Fine, that’s what some people are like.

Last night, after we won a set and were walking to have a drinks break, he sharply slapped my bum. I told him not to do that again. He said sorry and that it was an ‘encouraging slap’ and he does it all the time, but usually to male partners and he ‘forgot himself’. I played on but felt really uncomfortable.

I broke down when I got home and saw DH, I explained what happened and he was furious. He thinks I should file a report with both the police and the club where we play. Do you think this would be excessive? At the very least, I think I will inform the club.

So men do it to men, in men's sports. Not to women, because it's inappropriate.

Are we back to the 1950s?

The OP seems perfectly able to handle this herself and report this man if she chooses to.

Personally I would be furious, would never play again with that man and would report his behaviour to the club so he gets an official warning.

Men like this test boundaries and will continue to behave in this way if they can get away with it.

Yes it's excessive you addressed it he apologised and explained himself . No need to go destroying who lives .

I would tell him in no uncertain terms that if he does it again you will be reporting to the club and police. Let him know this is sexual assault whether he means it or not. I would give the benefit of doubt for this one time. I bet he won't ever do it again. Hope you're OK.

In a team sport, Person A does something prevalent in team sport; there is no suggestion it was sexual.

Person B tells Person A not to do it again. Person A apologises and doesn't do it again.

Person B later breaks down about it.

And no-one on here seems to think that that's what anyone who cares should actually be bothered about.

for me it would very much depend on whether or not I believed his apology and explanation. Do you think he does it to male partners or do you think he was being a creep. If I believed him I would leave it at that if not I’d report him. To prove it as a sexual assault is harder than you think as you need to prove to touch is sexual and you already know he’s going to say it wasn’t a sexual thing. I’m not saying don’t report it if you think it was just that it’s not as cut and dry as slap on bottom is banged to rights in these circumstances. However if you do think he’s a creep then I would still report it, even if he didn’t get charged it would be there if anyone else made an allegation in the further to see a pattern of behaviour so any excuse wouldn’t really wash twice.

My point is that should the OP choose to report his behaviour to the club or the police then it is on him, not her.

I would mention it to the club and they can have a word with him about what is and is not appropriate.

I remember when I was young patting on the bum, flicking bra straps etc. were the norm and we just took it as our lot; but thankfully no more.

If you think he is otherwise OK as your posts seem to suggest, I think a word with the club will suffice - they do not want these things happening.

It's nonsense to say that no guy would stand for such behaviour and a butt slap would result in a black eye - it's very common in sport. I see it happen literally all the time at the touchlines in football and rugby, where men pat or slap each others bums, both in school level and you see it on telly too. It's very definitely a thing.

https://medium.com/mel-magazine/a-cultural-history-of-butt-slapping-in-sports-249e7d7795e1

https://discover.hubpages.com/sports/The-Unspoken-Rules-of-Butt-Slapping-in-Sports

https://www.reddit.com/r/explainlikeimfive/comments/1ycj9d/eli5_butt_slapping_in_sports_like_football_and/

The point being - OP was playing a sport with this guy, she doesn't like it, she spoke up for herself and told him not to do it again, he apologised.

If he does do it again knowing it's not something OP wants to participate in, I think that's when you start considering reporting him to the club and refusing to partner with him etc.

OK - I was a teen/young adult in the days when I literally couldn't stand at a bar without having my arse felt. So many times a night,as we did "pub crawls" in those days. Even if my boyfriend was standing beside me. If you were young then, and attracted attention, you'll know I am not exaggerating. So "I broke down" sounds ridiculous to me.
BUT - the world has thankfully moved on. We no longer accept this behaviour. Your response at the time was fabulous OP. He won't risk doing that to you again, and it might make him think generally.
A word with the club seems appropriate. A review and reminder if club rules and safeguarding procedures also seems appropriate.
I wouldn't be informing police.

Stuff the poll result - the fact of the matter is that you were shocked, upset, and made to feel deeply uncomfortable by another member of this club, to the point that when you got home you broke down and cried about it.

Women are socially conditioned shrug off all sorts of uncomfortable, intimidating and upsetting feelings just to keep the peace and not make a fuss, and right now you probably feel rather confused and deeply conflicted. Your feelings (shock, surprise, embarrassment, etc.) are valid and they are very real for you, but you're doubting yourself because of the mountain/molehill societal response.

If you want to so "something" but are worried about making a big public fuss or involving the police, are you able to find a middle way that makes you feel reassured ?

In your place, I think that I might contact the club, tell them what happened and how it made you feel, and ask if they have any guidance or rules of conduct. If so, is there anyone in a position of club authority who could speak to the man about his behaviour? Would you like to request an in-person or a written apology, if that would make you feel better and recognise that his behaviour had an impact on you? Would you like the club leadership to create some form of behaviour guidance, or highlight/publicise the existing rules? Give yourself a bit of time and ask yourself what might make you feel seen, and make you feel reassured going back to the same club.

Club behaviour is influenced by culture. I am a member of a rather raucous university-style sports club (none of us are that young) where there used to be a lot of bum-slapping and "come sit on my knee" (vom) but the culture of my group has changed remarkably in the last 5 years. A female leader set out behavioural guidelines, the whole leadership publicised the rules, and they have been publicly upheld if anyone's behaviour fell outside of the expected norms: people have been spoken to, asked to sit out for 3 sessions or more, been uninvited from group events or been removed from social media accounts/WhatsApp groups if the behaviour is persistent.

I think for me personally it would depend on specifics of how he reacted, that isn’t clear to me fully from the opening post.

If the “sorry” was with eye rolls and the rest of words were justification of why it was ok (implying you’re overreacting) that is one thing. If he looked mortified when he apologised and the explanation was more “this was why but I can see how that was inappropriate and I won’t be doing this to anyone again” that would be different to me.

I agree with this. Quietly with dignity.
Husband to just tell him to “ keep his hands to himself.” Nothing more, don’t elaborate. No drama.

If the chap kicks off or starts making excuses, is rude, just turn & walk away. Your husband will have made his point.

I think you have given him a verbal warning, understandably you are upset.
If you want to take this further and want there to be consequences for his actions, then report him to the club, hopefully he'll receive some kind of warning from the club.
If it happens again, then report to the police.

I’d send him this thread

I completely agree.

His explanation is completely plausible and OP did the right thing by telling him not to do it again.

I think it would be silly reporting it when it was likely not meant in an inappropriate way.

If it happened again then I would 100% report but not as a one off if there was no ill intent behind it.

Is this a genuine question?

To be honest this would be my response also.

@MyCatPrefersPeaches OP says he does do it to men.

This reminds me of an episode of Friends, with Chandler’s boss.

I think you have a right to feel however you feel. I personally, unless there were wider circumstances eg him being a creep, would let it go. Worst case I might not play with him any more. However it is your experience. I would report him to the club if I felt unsafe or that others might be unsafe. If it was just unpleasant and you're upset/annoyed then I would suggest DH have a word and just say - listen mate, not on, she's very upset as am I. Stop doing it to anyone male or female.

A couple of years ago at a Xmas Night Out, a woman my age came into the pub where we all met and tweaked my backside at the bar to let me know she was there. Is that sexual assault? I don't think it is..

Say the OP was slapped somewhere else instead of her bottom, perhaps her face, would you expect her to laugh it off? If someone slapped me anywhere on my body I’d be furious. If they slapped me on my bottom I’d be furious and upset and possibly cry at some point. There is no right or wrong way to react to an assault.

I’m sure you’re right, but I find this argument pretty difficult. Where is the line? If he decided to give someone’s breast an “encouraging squeeze” and it wasn’t, in HIS eyes, sexual, would he get away with that as well? Not really relevant, but I just find this personally problematic. Why can’t men just keep their hands to themselves?!?

Total agreement I play in a women's team sport and we were encouraged to butt tap when praising good play or encouraging after a mistake. I don't but I'm old!
Football for such a homophobic sport (men's) the players are all over each other all the time.
I do think it's different in mixed gender sports and is overstepping. But you called it out and he said sorry and you haven't had any weird vibes before. I probably wouldn't play with him again though.