Assaulted by doubles partner - would you take further?

[Katiew29]

I play a racquet sport as part of a weekly group where we rotate doubles partners. One of the men can be a bit animated - always high fiving at the end of sets, sometimes he jubilantly hugs his playing partner if they win. Fine, that’s what some people are like.

Last night, after we won a set and were walking to have a drinks break, he sharply slapped my bum. I told him not to do that again. He said sorry and that it was an ‘encouraging slap’ and he does it all the time, but usually to male partners and he ‘forgot himself’. I played on but felt really uncomfortable.

I broke down when I got home and saw DH, I explained what happened and he was furious. He thinks I should file a report with both the police and the club where we play. Do you think this would be excessive? At the very least, I think I will inform the club.

Report it to the club. He is responsible for his behaviour. You did not consent to this man touching you and were uncomfortable with it because it's sexual assault. It's not for this bloke to seem it okay because it suits him to. And it's definitely not okay. From your OP it is clear he was not really sorry, he was minimising it.

This. We’re taught to alleviate everyone else’s discomfort (at our own expense). Fuck that. I’m done smoothing over others’ poor actions so that nobody has to experience an uncomfortable conversation.

I have played racket sports at clubs for over 40 years. I have never seen this behaviour with either gender at any point.
Whilst the bloke is a bit of a weird creep, I’d feel perfectly capable of giving him a both barrels talking to (which you did) without it being a cause for tears and angst beyond that. You don’t…Why is that?
A lot of the comments here are batshit. You can’t all seriously expect the police to become involved in such minor issues, surely?

He might take note of your reaction and never do it again to you, but unfortunately he may try it on with others. If nobody reports the first time, he carries on doing it. If they've already "had a word" after a previous complaint, then this time he definitely ought to be kicked out. You probably don't want this guy to see you as the person who got him kicked out of the club, but if he's had a warning it wouldn't be just you, and they can probably make it sound as if someone else saw it, rather than you complaining.

I certainly wouldnt report that. Id have told him if he touched me ever again Ill fuck him up. Or get your husband to tell him.

You are joking, right? Or do you really think a woman can’t look after herself, and needs a big strong man to protect her?

It seems that it’s something which men do - I’m not by any means excusing g it , it just seems a ‘thing’ with men in sport.
If men in sport want to smack each others bums then they can crack on but it’s disgraceful that he thinks it’s ok to do it to women.
I wouldn’t report him to the police - I would report it in person and in writing to the club though.
If he does it again - police.

I’d tell him in no uncertain terms that if he ever does it again, or to any other woman, that I will report him to the police. And then let it go. But I wouldn’t be crying over it, in your case as it’s upsetting you so much you might want to take it further. Whatever feels right to you is the right thing to do. Put yourself first.

I would say you acknowledge he’s animated. You didn’t like what he did and you told him so. He apologised. You say he’s generally a “normal” member usually to your knowledge. Let it be this time. If it happens again be firm and tell him you’ve already told him, have a word with the club and refuse to partner him in future.
I don’t want to dismiss how you feel but I do think maybe there’s a lot of jumping to extremes currently.

i guess it’s the age old - what are you hoping the outcome to be? Are you hoping he stops - in which case you’ve told him you don’t like what he’s done and now need to give him the chance to change or do you want to attend court and have the man convicted in which case inform the police as that’s the potential outcome there. I am truly sorry that you were so upset. Do you think it’s the tap on the bottom that made you upset or the shock that it was done?

I would not involve the police now because his intensions, at the time were not to cause harm and although that was exactly what he did.........I suggest you clear the air with him by telling him to never hit you again, and from now on, absalutely no physical contact.

In the future as he approaches you tell him firmly STOP.

This should make him much less likely to inflict harm on you again.

If he fails to understand the warning you have given him and hits you again, then report him to the police and get him charged.

As women I think we should stand together. Not everyone feels able to confront this kind of behaviour. By speaking up we help those who don't feel able to do it themselves.

Lots of men do this in sport - usually to other men. Weird but whatever. He apologised straight away. I mean if he does anything like it ever again then report but I wouldn’t blow a man’s - who you’ve said is usually nice’ life up for one mistake. That’s crazy.

He'd have blown it up himself.

She said that HE SAID he did it to men all the time, doesn’t mean it’s true. Big difference.

He was trying to excuse his disgusting behaviour.

Is he part of your group of friends who go together? Or do you go to the club, see who's there and 'team up'?
Either way it's not OK, but no real point in reporting to the club if he's one of your friends and you all go together.

This is quite an extreme reaction op - breaking down, crying and feeling ‘raw’ about it for a long time after. Do you have a history of being assaulted? Obviously not asking for details.

I think you did exactly the right thing - you didn't accept it silently, you pulled him up on it straight away, he apologised. If you wanted to take it further I think I'd say to him very clearly that if he ever touches you again you'll be reporting him to the club.

Reporting to the police is total overkill, it won't go anywhere and will be wasting his time and yours.

It’s a common thing to do in Sport. Op told him she found it unacceptable. He apologised.

I think what you have to work out was there intent there or not
it does sound completely plausible that the explanation he gave was genuine
upto you if you believe that or not

I wouldn’t report to the police .. if you report to the club he will be kicked out most likely. Really depends on how far you want to take it.

I agree with this.

I’m sorry you felt uncomfortable but I genuinely think he just saw you as one of his team mates and forgot himself.

You told him not to do it again and he didn’t.

I’m not sure what further action you want that you think reporting him would solve?

No. A disproportionate, crazy response to an ill judged action resulting in blowing up his or anyone else’s life is completely ridiculous
He screwed up, got called out and immediately apologised. Has never given cause for worry previously.
Whilst he was undoubtedly wrong, the men haters on here are pushing their agenda as usual

Id maybe have a quiet word at the club at most.

Hmmm, it may be so when both players are the same sex, but man on woman and even woman on man, it can have and will have for quite a few people, a sexual undertone. I think this man is taking advantage to actually grope a woman while hiding behind the "camaraderie" mask.

It's nonsense that he says he slaps men's bottoms too, unless you regularly see him with a black eye. No guy would stand for such behaviour and he wouldn't dare to do it. He knows it's inappropriate, he knows it's sexual assault else he wouldn't make that lame excuse. I would report him in writing to the club. For all you know they've already had complaints about him - and I would think this very likely - and just need enough evidence to ban him.

Isn’t one of the things that has to be satisfied is that “the touching was sexual”? I’ve sat on a jury and done a sexual assault case. If the man says that he was doing a jubilant slapping that was “encouraging” then I don’t think it would be sexual touching.

i mean I’m not defending him, he’s a filthy fucking pig with no boundaries. But a sexual assault charge won’t be successful.