To ban SD from my en suite?!

[EasterEstherEgg]

I’m fuming!!

When I moved in with DH, an en suite was an essential on my list. I have DD12 and he has SS15 and SD17 and I don’t want to share my personal space with teenagers. They’re also not allowed in our bed.

Have come back from a work trip early to find SD getting out of my bath, with my shampoos, body lotions and creams laid out and my bloody dressing gown and slippers on and apparently she often does this when I’m away!

She - and DH and everyone else - are well aware my en suite is off limits. AIBU?

My children are my own in my house I hide all my good stuff because I know my daughter will use it and it's not cheap. You shouldn't have to but if you know she is prolific then hide it.

Perfect. Thank you for bringing lightness.

More information needed, do you like her? Does she like you? Does she have a good relationship with her mum? How often is she with you? Do you have another bath in the house?
It wouldn’t bother me, maybe she just wants to feel a bit grown up and pampered. I like it if I go to friends or family and they let me use various toiletries. Obviously you haven’t given permission, would she feel able to ask you?

Crikey I really can’t understand people getting so uptight about their children having a bath in their own home.

You must have good style, nice products, and an enviable en suite and slippers for 17 yr old SD to want to commit the crime of the century by muscling in on them. I'd remember these facts whilst giving her the telling off.

I think the difference here is that DD17 knew she wasn’t allowed to do it so waited until OP was away. I would be miffed too.

What a horrible thread. I cannot imagine ever telling my children they cannot use a room, a bathroom, a dressing gown or a cream. They have their own creams and hair things that cost just as much as mine purchased by me because they are not second class citizens who make do while I have the best and they are welcome to use my stuff also. Cannot believe how uptight so many posters are and some sound plain nasty. She prob enjoyed having a pamper can’t you be nice about it I’m sure it would go a long way it’s not really a big deal

If she often does it and you haven’t noticed then she obviously leaves it clean and tidy and doesn’t use excessive amounts of products. I really wouldn’t get worked up about this. And quite a complement that she want s to smell like her stepmum!

Ask her to replace your stuff

What is it that you don’t like? Is that they leave a mess or is it that you don’t like them touching your things?

we don’t have banned spaces in our house at the moment. But no teens! So interested to know!

I agree! Who cares about stuff like this?!

here come the be kind brigade

Have you asked her why she uses your en-suite ?

Maybe she doesn’t want to share space with the younger DC particularly if they don’t clean up

I do. It is an absolute non negotiable. My en-suite and my bedroom are my space. Just as my children have their own space in their rooms which I wouldn’t go through I don’t want them in my en suite using my things or going in my bedroom when I am not in it. The rest of the house is free for everyone but no, my room my en-suite and my space which is for me and DP

Lock it from the outside. And tell DH he has to keep it locked unless he's locked in the actual bedroom!

Yeah it's out of order to use other people's private spaces when you've been explicitly told not to..

Why didn't DH stop her?

Using your bath when you're not there is fair enough. I wouldn't be dog in the mangerish about that - it's not like you can lie in it when you're away...

Using your products and dressing gown? Nope. Cheeky cow.

Do you think it’s some kind of flex that a 17yo approves of your products? Are we supposed be validated by a 17yo’s SD’s approval, and be so eager for it that we forget any other behaviour?

Fair enough - although it seems a bit odd to me.

My DD will do it too. I’m pretty chilled though.

OP, my first thought is: would you feel differently if it was your own daughter (that you mentioned, age 12)?
Also, you say 'my ensuite', but surely it's your DH's ensuite too, & his kids would see it that way, ie as their dad's bathroom, not just their stepmum's.

Does their bathroom also have a bath?

Using your bath products and your dressing gown without asking is really rude.

I voted yanbu because you're being undermined and disrespected and they've kept it secret from you.

But, part of the joy of being a daughter is sneaking your mums nicer stuff when she's out although she's your step daughter she might be seeing it as just a daughter thing to do.

If it's the only bath in the house it's unfair to deny them any use of it, but using your things is a step too far.

I know I'd feel violated and furious.

If you can't trust them to be honest with you then you'll have to lock your things away when you go away. Don't deny her the bath when you're away, though, if it's the only one in the home.

Likewise, my DD, now 18, is banned from my bathroom as she constantly nicks my stuff. And when younger, was grounded for failing to observe the boundary.

Interesting situation.

To me it's abnormal to ban someone from a particular room in the home. (It's not clear from your wording how absolute the ban is. For instance, are they allowed to sit on the bed? Can they come in to your bathroom to talk to you?)

But it's also abnormal for a teenager to blatantly appropriate personal items that belong to a parent.

The trick is for you to try to find some less offensive wording than you used in your post. And it seems the deeper problem is to try to instill in the teens the concept of privacy, boundaries, and properties.

I’m wondering what the response would be if the OP had been ‘My SD doesn’t like me using her bathroom but when she’s not around I have a bath there and use all her products. She’s found out and is upset’. I’m pretty sure there would be lots of ‘You’re invading her privacy; You’ve stolen her personal things and should apologise; You’re a terrible stepmum to infringe on her personal space’ and so on.

Whether we would do the same or not, OP was clear from the outset that a private en suite was a prerequisite to her feeling happy to share a house with her DP and his DC. Not only has her SD gone against OP’s express wishes in her own home, she has taken some of OP’s belongings without asking. She is 17 not 7. And for all those saying ‘My DD helps herself to my stuff all the time, it’s not a problem’ why do you allow this? Surely it’s basic manners to ask before you use something that belongs to someone else? My DD has left home now but if she wanted to use some products of mine or borrow a pair of shoes she would always ask first. And I paid her the same courtesy. The SD could well be off to uni in a year’s time…is she going to help herself to other people’s things there too?? Food from the fridge for example, or someone’s shampoo from the shared bathroom? Why is it then ok for her to take OP’s personal belongings?

OP I completely understand why you feel so aggrieved. I would be making it very plain that it’s unacceptable behaviour.