AIBU I genuinely think I hate my 15 yr old son!! I blame myself and dh

[BrightPearlEagle]

I honestly don’t know if I’m being unreasonable or if I’ve just reached the point where something has to give.

My husband (49M) and I (46F) have three sons. Our eldest is 15. He attends an independent boys’ school and is academically very able he has already sat some GCSEs early and is expected to continue doing well academically.
But at home, things feel like they’ve completely broken down.

He ignores rules, refuses boundaries, and any attempt to parent him leads to arguments, shutdowns, or him simply doing what he wants regardless. It feels like we are constantly in conflict and there is no cooperation at all anymore.
The stress in the house has become constant, and it’s affecting the whole family dynamic, not just him. We are trying to parent him consistently, but nothing seems to be getting through.

We’ve now also been called into school for a formal meeting regarding his behaviour, including concerns about him with girls and general conduct in school. Academically there are no concerns, but behaviourally they are clearly worried. from underage sex to drinking we are done we do not know what to do. He has had a different girl in the house pretty much everyday for the last 2 weeks. He is popular at school and I have just had enough with it all I feel like we are reaching breaking point as a household. I have been so overwhelmed by the situation that I’ve had to take time off work due to stress.

I’ve suggested that he might go and stay with my parents for a short period. Not as a punishment or to “send him away”, but because I genuinely feel like we all need space to reset and stop things escalating further at home. My parents are willing to have him.

My husband is unsure and thinks it could make things worse or feel like we are abandoning him at a difficult age.

I’m torn because part of me feels this is the only way to stop things spiralling, and part of me worries it’s a step too far and we should be holding firm at home instead.

So AIBU for thinking sending him to stay with his grandparents temporarily is the right move right now?

Do your parents want him? If they Will take him, send him. 100%

pivotal time when he gets to realise actions have repercussions.

What for him, in your world, is either

• taken away
• restricted
• he is forced to pay for it
• he is told he has to do the activity elsewhere

Do you have any examples of this @BrightPearlEagle because I wonder whether he needs to 'feel' the consequences a bit more?

He is just absolutely horrible to be around. We are meant to be going on a family holiday soon and I am dreading it whole time my eldest son will complain and have issues and cause issues and somehow find a random girl.

Its is all a bit too much, everyone seems to be obsessed with him to the point the girls school (a school he does not attend) has had to contact us as he is causing the girls problems since they all 'fancy' him. He is just using them, he is not sincere at all. I know it is probably our fault as parents but WE HAVE HAD ENOUGH! he is not disciplined at all just unruly and just spoilt.

This sounds so difficult (I can see similarities with my daughter in the not following rules or boundaries) - I don’t think you’re unreasonable to try and think of something to change the status quo but I fear this would make the situation worse and drive him further away. Have you mentioned this to him yet? What does he think?

I find it a bit hard to believe that a head teacher has made contact with the parents of a pupil from another school [how did they even get your contact details?] because all the girls fancy him.

I mean, if he was breaking into the school and torching the changing rooms, then maybe.....but.....

Because he assaulted one of the girls at the school so they did get in touch. She ended up 'taking it all back' but not exactly a great situation for dh and I to be in.

What rules have you tried to put in place? Send the girls home. Ideally you would taje his phone off him. Has he watched a lot of porn? He sounds highly sexualised and thst would be a concern.

“He has had a different girl in the house pretty much everyday for the last 2 weeks.”

So why do you let him? Tell him it’s completely unacceptable to lead girls on, and that you’re not having a procession of different girls through your house. It sounds as though sending him to his grandparents’ for a while is a good idea.

We should have sent him to board, but it’s too late for that now. DH and I have done everything we can, but it has caused us a great deal of stress as parents. We are currently in counselling regarding our son; he refuses to attend, so we are instead receiving parenting support, although it doesn’t seem to be making much difference so far.

My parents sent my brother to our paternal grandmother at a similar age. It was supposed to be temporary but it became permanent. It has most definitely affected his relationship with our parents and not in a positive way. However, your son isn't my brother. It might well be a good thing for him and the rest of your family but equally it may not. It's a difficult decision you will have to make. Best wishes.

Why are you letting these girls in your house. Are you both at work when he brings them home?

Well firstly I would be checking his phone to see what he is watching and how he is interacting with others. According to how that manifests, I’d then impose restrictions on phone use.
I would not be allowing friends over currently as he is not behaving respectfully. Also that protects him against allegations.
Sending him away I’m unsure about, does he have money? He seems intelligent surely has the ability to leave their home and make his own way back…

I'd be sending them home every single time.

Last time DH had this conversation he said' why would I watch that shit when i can get a girlfriend'

It is a concern but we only have ourselves to blame. The school doesn't seem to really care on paper yes but in reality nope, he has teachers that like him and 'stand up for him' he manipulates every situation and the schools seems to not want to get rid of him despite the many issues they have had because of him.

We are

We are not letting them into our house

That’s quite a bit different to what you originally said.

Surely it should’ve been the police contacting him if he’d been accused of assaulting a girl.

The parent's did not want to go to the police and then she took it all back and said it was false

Take him out of his nice school & send him to the local comp - see how much of a big man he is there

We have, he does not care about his phone or any electronics

I was with you until “ He has had a different girl in the house pretty much everyday”.

You are the parent. It’s your house. Send them away at the front door, every single time.

It sounds like you’re both giving him way too much freedom. Take away his smart phone and iPad if he has one, as he doesn’t sound mature enough for social media.

Do you take him on family outings at the weekend? Walks etc? Does he have any sports or clubs like cadets that he goes to? Anything to keep him focused, or good role models?

You actually sound a bit pleased with him, everyone “fancying” him etc. He is a child!

Genuinely: send him to state sixth form. He will be brought down a peg or two.

Why are you not letting the girls in? Why aren’t you giving him SOME Level of independence/freedom?

he’s pushing boundaries because that’s what they do at that age.

my absolutely adorable DS was a nightmare between 15-17. He started to learn to box, that REALLY helped

is your DS doing a lot of physical activity? If not, he needs to do more, it will help him regulate everything

I get it. He wants more freedom than he’s able to handle, but you’re trying to contain him like a child. As hard as it is, you have to give him some space and looser boundaries, but boundaries none the less.

i know how hard it was for me to do this, but you have to find a way to reconnect with him so you can negotiate his freedom.

lockdown will only blow up in your face. The risk of losing him is real if he does something stupid, so speak to him, tell him you’re scared for him, but that you each have to trust each other a little. That you’re going to try to let go a bit, but he has to help you trust him too.

So he goes to an all-boys school? Easy - take all internet devices off of him. Drop him at the gates every day, pick him up and drive him straight home. Then he won’t have any way to meet or interact with girls, will he?