AIBU I genuinely think I hate my 15 yr old son!! I blame myself and dh

[BrightPearlEagle]

I honestly don’t know if I’m being unreasonable or if I’ve just reached the point where something has to give.

My husband (49M) and I (46F) have three sons. Our eldest is 15. He attends an independent boys’ school and is academically very able he has already sat some GCSEs early and is expected to continue doing well academically.
But at home, things feel like they’ve completely broken down.

He ignores rules, refuses boundaries, and any attempt to parent him leads to arguments, shutdowns, or him simply doing what he wants regardless. It feels like we are constantly in conflict and there is no cooperation at all anymore.
The stress in the house has become constant, and it’s affecting the whole family dynamic, not just him. We are trying to parent him consistently, but nothing seems to be getting through.

We’ve now also been called into school for a formal meeting regarding his behaviour, including concerns about him with girls and general conduct in school. Academically there are no concerns, but behaviourally they are clearly worried. from underage sex to drinking we are done we do not know what to do. He has had a different girl in the house pretty much everyday for the last 2 weeks. He is popular at school and I have just had enough with it all I feel like we are reaching breaking point as a household. I have been so overwhelmed by the situation that I’ve had to take time off work due to stress.

I’ve suggested that he might go and stay with my parents for a short period. Not as a punishment or to “send him away”, but because I genuinely feel like we all need space to reset and stop things escalating further at home. My parents are willing to have him.

My husband is unsure and thinks it could make things worse or feel like we are abandoning him at a difficult age.

I’m torn because part of me feels this is the only way to stop things spiralling, and part of me worries it’s a step too far and we should be holding firm at home instead.

So AIBU for thinking sending him to stay with his grandparents temporarily is the right move right now?

Teenagers are meant to test you. If anything, they need firmer boundaries and rules than ever before. You're letting him get away with this behaviour, hence he's pushing you further. Actions have consequences and he isn't learning that lesson.

The bit about being in constant conflict stands out for me (as well as the thread title of course). Do you have any times with him when he's being spoken to as someone you love, without being told off or criticised? I know it can feel very hard in your circumstances to do this, but they can feel nothing is ever good enough when they are criticised every day.
I don't think he sounds like a psychopath! He's either an arse or possibly craving excitement (any adhd in the family?) but either way he's still the boy you love.

If Hockey is hi 'thing' then that is whats used as a consequence.
Might sound harsh but he absolutely does NOT get to go for 2 weeks in the summer irrespective of whether he is representing the school or not.
Life has consequences and they are hard sometimes.
When he gets a girl pregnant (and he will) life is going to be absolutely shit for around 18yrs whilst HE (not you) are forced to support it via the CMS

You are absolutely sending him away. Dress it up however you want. Your son, you deal with it.

Sorry op. @BrightPearlEagle

yes, you are struggling. But with due respect, you are not parenting. I agree with this poster and it’s what I also wanted to post.

good you are having counselling etc

my adopted daughter went through a phase as same age with boys although she was sweet at home. It was hard, it was tough. What did we do? We parented her. We did not abandon her or left her to her friends to be her guide. Sometimes we did not want to look at her. But we parented her for years! She is fine now!

no 2 ways out. You need to parent him. Take parenting lessons if you will! Good luck!

As someone who went to the local state school it's quite weird to see so many posters suggesting that he's sent there to "bring him down a peg or two." The private school dropouts caused absolute chaos when they got dumped on us.

(Caveat mine are still little & I have this all to come!!)
A short break doesn't sound a bad idea, but not a long-term solution? It does sound like an unholy mix of peak teenage rebellion, a private school environment that has perhaps led to a bit of overconfidence/entitlement and an environment at home that has led to tension/treading on eggshells overly..
I think others are correct that boundaries need to be enforced around the number of girls being brought home, but is it better under your roof than somewhere else..? It seems a good moment to encourage some further independence/maturity/resilience-building - can you cut off allowance/pocket money unless he toes the line in some areas? How about part-time work? Does he have hobbies, can he take on some responsibility there? Strike a bargain with him - if you see some improvements in attitude/school behaviour, he can be trusted with some more freedoms again. Send him away camping for the weekend with friends? Get some older role models involved, any uni students or young people in your network who've been busy making a success of themselves? What's he inspired by? Sounds like his horizons are still (understandably) very restricted and he needs to learn to spread his wings in a more constructive way - best of luck!!

I want to but he has dual citizenship through me and holds an American passport.

I do think you're right that he's absorbing some kind of manosphere type content online. He's always had a lot of confidence, he's popular and well-liked, but at the moment that confidence seems to have tipped into arrogance. My DH and I are really torn about what to do.

We've talked about not letting him go on the hockey trip. We're due to go to America as a family anyway, we planned to meet him there, so it's not as though he wouldn't be able to visit the US. The reason we're considering it is because hockey is one of the very few things he genuinely cares about. We've tried taking away his phone and, apart from using his laptop for schoolwork, limiting his access to that too, but he honestly didn't seem to care. Nothing we've tried so far has really had any impact.

Cant understand why you're letting the girls in? Take his phone away? Honestly he sounds horrible and maybe it would be a good thing for him to spend the summer at his grandparents.
Alos stop allowing him to spend your money on him. Just cut him off

Yes and he might get a whole new range of girls to impress 😃
A short break at grandparents fine - sending him away is not fine imo, you're showing him that your love for him is conditional.

If he gets anything on official record he can say bye bye to future hockey tours

Hockey is your trump card here use it.
Do you know his coaches? Could they give him a warning?

Yes, that’s the idea. You take away what he likes as punishment. Or threaten to take it away if behaviour doesn’t change. Have you tried that and showed you mean it?

My adopted daughter was into clothes. We reduced that budget and only got what she really needed.

It’s clear you are still pandering to him so why would he change?
You’ve ignored every single poster who has asked why on earth he is still being allowed to go to the US to play hockey.
You say you’ve stopped his money “for now”.
You say in one reply that he doesn’t care about electronics and in the next you say you’ve seen messages between him and a girl so it’s absolute rubbish that you’ve taken his phone from him.
Where are the consequences?
Stop pussyfooting around him and get strict.
You sound either too lazy to parent, to busy trying to be his bestie to parent, or too scared of him to parent. All are wrong.
As previous posters have said, you need to make his life miserable now. He has it way too easy and then you are wondering why he has no inclination to change his behaviour!!!

Your son has raped a girl and you’re letting him get away with it. Unbelievable

I'm guessing your son likes hockey and is good at it? I would be telling him that he won't be going to the US in the summer. His behaviour at school and home is dreadful, and he doesn't deserve the place. I'd also be reconsidering paying for an independent school for him too. If he ended up at the local state secondary school, it would take him down a peg or two! He's essentially got way too big for his boots. Also no independent school = no hockey.

I would be concerned why his behaviour has deteriorated so badly. My own son is 15, but doesn't behave like this, most 15 year olds don't.

How are the girls getting in the house?

In all honesty, how can he go on any trip other than family trip when parents knows he finds a random girl? Are you not worried about consequences?

no way would I consent to any child of mine to go on a trip without me in those circumstances. Not with previous reports from girls showing not all MIGHT have willingly associated themselves with him!

Why does him having a dual passport matter? He’s a minor, regardless of his dual nationality he can’t go on a trip without your parental consent, so don’t give it!
If you’re going to America on holiday anyway, he can forego the hockey part and just have a normal holiday.
It sounds like you are almost afraid of the backlash from stopping him participating. I also wouldn’t be keeping him at a school where the school staff ‘stick up for him’ and excuse his terrible behaviour.
You’re going to have to make some tough and unpopular decisions. I’m not sure boarding would have made a better impact for him because the culture he is already surrounded by sounds unhealthy. Surely apart from there being no girls around he’d be absorbing whatever else 24 hours a day if he stayed there as well.

What actual consequences have you actually given him? Because when asked about checking his phone, you said you and your DH spoke about it and your son made the snide remark about not needing porn as he’d just get a girlfriend. Did you actually check the services yourselves or just take his word for it? In your last comment you said you took his phone away - how long for? If he wasn’t bothered, he has a second device you don’t know about. How much pocket money do you give him? What chores is he expected to do for the pocket money? Does he do them?

I cannot believe you are allowing him to go on the hockey trip. You want to ship him to your parents because YOU have failed him. You can’t parent him so you want someone wand to deal with him. His behaviour is almost certainly a result of how he’s been brought up - a lack of boundaries, lack of rules, not made to do jobs around the house, no monitoring on his devices, allowed on them as much as he wants, no time spent with him getting to know him and what he likes? Any of that sounding familiar?

You need to make sure you’re parenting your younger kids or this will repeat itself. And it’s time to step up with your eldest and truly parent him.

Cut off the funding. No more independent school, US summer trip, phone contract etc. etc. But I don't think that you have the stomach for it, and nor does he .....which is why he is behaving like he is.

I assume he’s letting them in when parents are at work and he is home. They need to hire a Nanny/sitter if that is the case so there is an adult around all the time.
That should be mortifying enough to stop any more visits 😂

You cannot be serious about him going on that hockey camp. You need to start being a lot firmer. You are pushovers

Cut his passport up and throw it in the bin.
No USA hockey tour.
Tell the school to throw him off the hockey team.
Take his phone away, along with any tablets/laptops etc.
Cut the WiFi off at night. Keep the router or w/e you use in your room overnight.

If he continues with his behaviour then the consequences continue.

If he improves his behaviour and shows genuine remorse for his actions and wants to change - then you can get him a new passport, he goes back on the hockey team and gets his devices back.

You are the parent.

1. It doesn't matter if he has dual citizenship. You gave consent for the trip. You can withdraw it. He doesn't get to go.
2. You sound very very weak and you are feelings sorry for yourself. What are the consequences of his behaviour for him? So far he's not getting money and you tried to take him to counselling. What actual punishments did you impose on him?
3. You seem very enamoured of how popular he is, and how much the girls love him. How is he communicating with them? You keep saying you don't let them in, where is he having underage sex?
4. You were clearly financing him. He has access to his tech. You are clearly afraid of him.

So ranting at us won't help. You need to actually sit down with your husband, and parent this spoiled man-child you have created before anything more serious happens. You want your sweet boy magically back without doing the real hard parenting bits and that's not going to happen!

Oh this is beyond a joke. So you’re all having a lovely holiday together in the US too?
And when you say you’ve “tried” taking his phone away… for 1 night and then gave in?
Because you don’t need to be clever to work out that someone his age needs 2 things to do what he does; 1) money to get around (from you) and 2) a method to communicate with the girls (presumably the phone which you’ve “tried” to take away 🙄)
You can’t see it but your posts tell us the problem. I understand you are exhausted by it but you Have to keep going with the restrictions - like you do with a toddler.