AIBU I genuinely think I hate my 15 yr old son!! I blame myself and dh

[BrightPearlEagle]

I honestly don’t know if I’m being unreasonable or if I’ve just reached the point where something has to give.

My husband (49M) and I (46F) have three sons. Our eldest is 15. He attends an independent boys’ school and is academically very able he has already sat some GCSEs early and is expected to continue doing well academically.
But at home, things feel like they’ve completely broken down.

He ignores rules, refuses boundaries, and any attempt to parent him leads to arguments, shutdowns, or him simply doing what he wants regardless. It feels like we are constantly in conflict and there is no cooperation at all anymore.
The stress in the house has become constant, and it’s affecting the whole family dynamic, not just him. We are trying to parent him consistently, but nothing seems to be getting through.

We’ve now also been called into school for a formal meeting regarding his behaviour, including concerns about him with girls and general conduct in school. Academically there are no concerns, but behaviourally they are clearly worried. from underage sex to drinking we are done we do not know what to do. He has had a different girl in the house pretty much everyday for the last 2 weeks. He is popular at school and I have just had enough with it all I feel like we are reaching breaking point as a household. I have been so overwhelmed by the situation that I’ve had to take time off work due to stress.

I’ve suggested that he might go and stay with my parents for a short period. Not as a punishment or to “send him away”, but because I genuinely feel like we all need space to reset and stop things escalating further at home. My parents are willing to have him.

My husband is unsure and thinks it could make things worse or feel like we are abandoning him at a difficult age.

I’m torn because part of me feels this is the only way to stop things spiralling, and part of me worries it’s a step too far and we should be holding firm at home instead.

So AIBU for thinking sending him to stay with his grandparents temporarily is the right move right now?

I certainly would not be letting him go to the US unless his behaviour significantly changes right now. WTF were you thinking saying yes to the US trip in the first place if this behaviour has been ongoing?

On the one hand his behaviour sounds absolutely appalling and I really feel for you, having known a few families with teenage boys who were a complete nightmare at that age.

But on the other hand, why is he going to the US playing sport? I'd have knocked that on the head straight away, in part in case he ends up getting in trouble while he's over there. I'm a bit surprised they're happy to take him given what you've said.

Our son did not assault anyone, he was accused of it. When I initially found out I was horrified, angry and very upset with him, we did not want him in the house etc and spent time at his grandparents crying and trying to defend himself . I wanted to contact the police and go through the right channels then she took back the accusation said she was just upset he blocked her. Our son showed the phone calls he ignored from her over 50 calls in one day, spamming messages, begging him to respond, threatening if he does not respond she will say he did this that the other, even her saying she will kill herself if he does not respond and her emailing him from her school email which her school had access to. Through all of this, he only sent her a few messages most of them saying to leave him alone and that he did not want to be with her. Not nice messages but if you are being called that many times I can see his frustration.

As much as I am torn and beaten down with my son there was enough evidence that even the parents of the girl did apologise to us.

That hockey trip sounds like some leverage, assuming he really wants to go...

How old is the girl in question?

Time to tell him that the US is going to be off if he can’t change his ways. The lack of respect for women is a big issue - he already has had a close call.

I don’t understand. You said he has a different girl in the house every day for the last two weeks, but then it’s that you don’t allow this? All of it sounds way too soft and lenient. He needs to be parented, not sent to grandparents or to board. He needs extremely firm boundaries, and incentives to stick within those boundaries.

15, they are in the same year group

Absolutely this plus no USA trip.

Why have you let him go on the Hockey Trip to the US? If that it all he cares about I'd be stopping the hockey for now...

He can't go to the US unless his behaviour significantly changes. I have a son at an all boys' school and he's also good-looking and popular and it's gone to his head a bit BUT if he ever behaved anything like yours, and there was even a sniff of him having sex with (underage!) girls and dumping them, he'd be in a whole world of trouble. I've had to come down hard on him in the past - stopping him playing in football matches, taking away his phone etc etc. But otherwise he'd have been an egotistical pain in the arse.

Arrange a meeting with his teachers about his behaviour, with him there. Cancel the hockey trip. No holiday for him this year. Let him know what the consequences of bad behaviour will be, and actually enforce them.

Our daughter got into some fairly serious trouble and we removed her phone on the school’s advice for two weeks. Her behaviour was delightful. Now she has it back on reduced daily limits (still too much in my view but still) and it is an excellent lever - if she misbehaves we’ll take it away.

They need to remember who is in charge - they live in our houses and we pay their costs and privileges can very much be revoked. It is for their own good. We should have been much firmer with her years ago, our lives revolved around her and they need to learn they are not the centre of everyone’s existence. It makes them nicer!

Yes, jumped the shark with that one…

His behaviour has consequences. Since the tournament is in the US, it’s even more important that he understands boundaries and respect before he goes.

I would take away his key, install ring cameras at the front and back of the property so he can’t sneak anyone in, and remove all non‑essential privileges, including access to money.

If his disrespect continues, then alternative arrangements — such as staying with his grandparents or going to boarding school — should be considered. Living under your roof is a privilege, and if he can’t respect that, provisions can be made elsewhere.

Sorry, but I think you're being far too soft. You and your husband need to take back control. He's still a kid, yet it feels like he's running the household instead of the other way around.

For starters, I don't think he should be going to the US. Letting him go sends the message that, regardless of his behaviour, he'll still get rewarded. A trip like that is a privilege, not an entitlement, and privileges have to be earned.
Then there's the practical side. What happens if he gets himself into trouble while he's in the US? Has anyone really thought that through? And if those false accusations had gone any further, there's a good chance he wouldn't even have been granted an ESTA, meaning the trip would have been off the table anyway. That alone should show how serious this is.

Right now, he needs to understand that actions have consequences. If it were me, I'd strip his room back to the absolute basics, a bed and a bedside lamp. No games, no luxuries, no unnecessary comforts. Zero privileges until he's shown, consistently, that he's earned them back.

At the moment, the consequences don't seem to match the seriousness of what's happened.

On the girls - insist his bedroom door stays open and don’t let them stay the night! 😀

That's not really the solution everybody thinks it is - my friend just used to shag with the door open.

Your son was falsely accused of assault. This will have been terrifying for him. He may not have behaved as you would have liked but a conviction for sexual assault would have ruined his life and he would have been aware of that. I think you are perhaps underestimating how damaging will have been, being accused of something you didn’t do is traumatic. You only have to look at some of the messages here to understand that actually once tainted with the accusation there are people who will always believe it even when there is proof it’s not true. Some of his behaviour could well be a reaction to the fear he felt.

Teenagers are tricky however I couple of things stand out.
Im surprised he is still on the hockey team/captain with his recent behaviour. My Son is about to head to a Grammar school and they’ve made it perfectly clear to represent the school in one of the sports teams, the teams have to have solid grades AND behaviour should be excellent throughout their time there or they will be removed to concentrate on the areas needing improvement.
I would be telling him anymore phone calls from the school regarding attitude etc he won’t be going to the USA with the hockey team, because he won’t be on the team, and mean it!
Secondly there seems to be a real arrogance/Misogyny around his attitude to the girls. “I can just get a girl friend” is an awful attitude to have.
You say he doesn’t care if you take away electronics etc but he won’t if he doesn’t really care about them.
If he has an allowance I would be stopping it, he needs to get a job where he can see what the real word is like.
He needs a curfew and if he doesn’t stick to it he doesn’t get to go out.
If he doesn’t shape up he needs to stop the sport, and if he’s planning on staying at the independent school for a-levels he will be told he can go to a normal college like everyone else if he continues, where this behaviour wouldn’t be tolerated by the masses.
I suspect that your Son has been overindulged his entire life, with very weak boundaries, he sounds incredibly entitled, it’s just come to head now with the extra hormones etc
I wouldn’t send any of mine away for bad behaviour because I would never want them to think their behaviour is so bad I couldn’t cope with them.
Luckily my Mum is stricter than me, so mine would be horrified to be sent there, but ultimately sending him away sends the message you can’t cope, if you can’t cope with him now, you won’t be able to for the next few years either because you aren’t changing the route causes, just giving him to someone else….

I’d be pulling the US trip for starters and telling school exactly why he can’t go. I’d also be telling him if another girl accuses him of assault and it does go further (even if just an arrest and no chsrge) then he won’t be going to the US regardless as he’ll fail the ESTA application.

sounds to me like he is absorbing incel content, poor treatment of women, using them for sex etc. I would send him to his grandparents and begin the search for a boarding school.

It sounds like this was a very traumatic event for you all.
What is he doing right now (since the incident) that you find unacceptable? If you are specific with him you'll have leverage when you threaten with canceling the US trip. Right now you say you can't stand him, but why? What exact behavior needs to stop? Meeting girls? Not helping in the house? Bullying his brothers? What good behavior (school, sport) can you encourage, because he does not sound 100% horrible just young and... horny? Promiscuous maybe for lack of better words? But I am not getting an image of a monster here.

That is QUITE the drip-feed.

Difficult teenager is one thing. An assault accusation is a million miles from that.

He sounds like a budding psychopath tbh.

Does your son fully understand that she is under the age of consent? As is he. At this age it could be catastrophic for his future should he be accused of assault - and sadly with the behaviours and attitude he is displaying he is heading that way.
You are yet to answer all the questions about exactly what sanctions you are applying - including the coveted US trip.

He sounds sociopathic. Have you looked into that OP? Might explain his behaviour/help you handle him better.

Stop the US trip.
Send him to his grandparents.
Don't take him on your family holiday.
Take him out of his current school and either send him to a boarding school or the local state school.
If he goes to a state school, he will soon find he isn't the cock of the walk who all the girls fancy.
He is going to grow into an arrogant man who thinks he can get away with everything and anything and he needs to learn the consequences of his reprehensible behaviour.