AIBU I genuinely think I hate my 15 yr old son!! I blame myself and dh

[BrightPearlEagle]

I honestly don’t know if I’m being unreasonable or if I’ve just reached the point where something has to give.

My husband (49M) and I (46F) have three sons. Our eldest is 15. He attends an independent boys’ school and is academically very able he has already sat some GCSEs early and is expected to continue doing well academically.
But at home, things feel like they’ve completely broken down.

He ignores rules, refuses boundaries, and any attempt to parent him leads to arguments, shutdowns, or him simply doing what he wants regardless. It feels like we are constantly in conflict and there is no cooperation at all anymore.
The stress in the house has become constant, and it’s affecting the whole family dynamic, not just him. We are trying to parent him consistently, but nothing seems to be getting through.

We’ve now also been called into school for a formal meeting regarding his behaviour, including concerns about him with girls and general conduct in school. Academically there are no concerns, but behaviourally they are clearly worried. from underage sex to drinking we are done we do not know what to do. He has had a different girl in the house pretty much everyday for the last 2 weeks. He is popular at school and I have just had enough with it all I feel like we are reaching breaking point as a household. I have been so overwhelmed by the situation that I’ve had to take time off work due to stress.

I’ve suggested that he might go and stay with my parents for a short period. Not as a punishment or to “send him away”, but because I genuinely feel like we all need space to reset and stop things escalating further at home. My parents are willing to have him.

My husband is unsure and thinks it could make things worse or feel like we are abandoning him at a difficult age.

I’m torn because part of me feels this is the only way to stop things spiralling, and part of me worries it’s a step too far and we should be holding firm at home instead.

So AIBU for thinking sending him to stay with his grandparents temporarily is the right move right now?

Why are you so determined to insist he must have done something wrong when the info given is she said she lied and the evidence supports that?

You describe your 15 year old son as someone with a lot of the major hallmarks of narcissism, except he is a teenager, and his brain is still forming. He needs a psychiatrist, a doctor, who can diagnose him. Someone who specializes in teen boys. Get an appointment tomorrow. He needs a professional now. Your family needed a professional months ago. Not one more day should go by without treatment. You and your family also need treatment.

Agree, OP and partner can’t solve this by themselves

I don’t think the problem is a 15 year old boy.

How did it not end well?

Worse things than this happen in state schools. Far worse.

Did you read my post properly? I have not said he’s done anything wrong?

Im asking OP is he apologised to his dob after initially being angry with him, when they found out that he’d been falsely accused. Your parents should be yoir no 1 cheerleaders. For them to have believed a stranger even before hearing his side must have really stung. Hence my query on whether she apologised for reading the situation so wrongly.

Does he have a strong male role model, who is respectful of women, in his life? Like an uncle or family friend? Anyone who could have a chat with him about much he is getting this part wrong, and help get him on the right path? Also, someone he could confide in and tell them how he’s really feeling. He seems quite “alpha-male” minded.
No offence, but you and your husband seem wishy-washy.
Have you considered the Army Cadets?

Sorry I quoted the wrong post

@BrightPearlEagle
Above is the advice I would go with given that multiple issues are likely to be interlinked e.g., you mention 'drinking' but if excessive, it's alcohol misuse. Whether or not he just sees the sex thing as something that helps his social status (to be seen as cool) of whether he prefers one-night stands because he doesn't have to think about his feelings (from things you've said, I strongly suspect he is trying to control/suppress or ignore his emotions) or whether it's something else. Obviously the things above will affect whether or not your DS can take in advice being given to him or whether he is willing to engage in psychotherapy or similar but either way you need to do whatever it takes to persuade him to not just try this once but complete a full course of it. If he has a better relationship with grandparents then ask them to support you with this. Try presenting it like this, he could get a fantastic well-paid job of his dreams but if he gets criminal record or spends years behind bars then was it worth all his hardwork? - it could all come crashing down around him especially if his drinking spirals as he gets older which may happen if he doesn't accept support in the form of therapy now. Book a session and do whatever it takes to get him there. You have 1 plus if he's 15, that is he's not 16 and at 16, you know what that means even if an accusation later turns out to be false, it will be damaging in more ways than one.

No problem x

I know the type exactly. I'm with the 'send him to a state school' group, not boarding school. No US trip, no nice grandparents. If you do not help him now, he will flourish into a total monster.

I doubt very much that he’s going to turn out anything like a “total monster”! Give him a chance - he’s just a 15yr old boy who could do with some family support, love and guidance.

I predict that treatment is a wave he will ride to a careless and callous future. We were all 15 once and some of us turned out badly. Why? Too little love? Or too few consequences? Sounds to me like he’s already had one of those two.

They’re so young they don’t know what they’re doing? They’re 15. They might be impulsive, crave experience, have less life experience BUT they are not helpless. They can and should make better decisions. Were you incapable of good judgment when you were 15? I wasn’t.

I predict he’ll turn out perfectly fine given parental support and guidance now, and in 10 years’ time he’ll be a son to be proud of.

I suspect he love bombed her - it was a game to get what they wanted, whether it was attention, ego boost, whatever. Then lost interest.

Just tell him to be more careful with girls feelings. Don't be a bell end. Don't go in all full on then cool off. Just be decent and respectful and be friends. If one person has to end it (this is a stupid big concern as they don't want to appear to have been dumped as its bad for social status) then just agree between them what they will tell people. Does he have sisters? As this is the kind of lesson that sisters excel in giving their brothers!

Dad needs to tell him to stay out of trouble, focus on work and studies for a while, and be kind.

Then I would be almost certain that he has another phone or other ways of getting online, and so the consequence is simply not working. (Teacher here, I've seen it before.)

I think a mixed school would be better. Somewhere with a big push on pastoral and with good male role models. Seeing girls every day, normalising interactions, building respect, not making them forbidden fruit. I work at a co ed independent day school and the young people are pretty normal with each other. You can always tell when new girls come from the local girls’ school as they’re much sillier with the boys but it soon wears off.

I’m also a mum of boys who all went co ed and all have good respectful relationships/friendships with girls.

Where did I say helpless? I simply meant that they don’t have the life experience yet to know what the consequences of certain choices will be.

We don’t know whether this girl had had sex before, if not she was choosing something blind; DS thought if he gave her what she (thought) she wanted she might stop pestering him. They’re probably both slightly wiser now.

I’m not sure if I’m missing something but your son sounds like a victim and you’re treating him like the problem? Reverse the genders and the comments would be that any boy calling a girl 50+ times demanding a relationship was psychopathic, a girl feeling she needed to have sex with a boy to make him leave her alone, being told to kill herself would be offered counselling and support. Have you ever apologised properly to him about abandoning him with his GPs when he needed your love and support most acutely?

You sound like you hate him and he will be fully aware of this.

Drinking and having sex aren’t ideal pastimes but it sounds like he is doing well apart from that- he’s intelligent, ambitious and doing well at a team sport with hockey. Unless drinking/sex are veering into addiction I can’t see a serious problem. You need to think about the underlying issues of why he is pushing the boundaries.

It may be that I’ve missed the misogyny examples (I did skim a few replies) but I can’t see how having sex with a lot of people is misogynistic as long as he’s not treating the them poorly. Ultimately, he’s just a teenager having sex and drinking.

He needs love, understanding and then boundaries- not abandonment and vilification.

To know that you would have to compare an equivalent tale about a girl where it initially said she assaulted a boy and then said she was stalked, while also mentioning that ALL the boys are obsessed with her and that she brings home a different boy every night.