AIBU I genuinely think I hate my 15 yr old son!! I blame myself and dh

[BrightPearlEagle]

I honestly don’t know if I’m being unreasonable or if I’ve just reached the point where something has to give.

My husband (49M) and I (46F) have three sons. Our eldest is 15. He attends an independent boys’ school and is academically very able he has already sat some GCSEs early and is expected to continue doing well academically.
But at home, things feel like they’ve completely broken down.

He ignores rules, refuses boundaries, and any attempt to parent him leads to arguments, shutdowns, or him simply doing what he wants regardless. It feels like we are constantly in conflict and there is no cooperation at all anymore.
The stress in the house has become constant, and it’s affecting the whole family dynamic, not just him. We are trying to parent him consistently, but nothing seems to be getting through.

We’ve now also been called into school for a formal meeting regarding his behaviour, including concerns about him with girls and general conduct in school. Academically there are no concerns, but behaviourally they are clearly worried. from underage sex to drinking we are done we do not know what to do. He has had a different girl in the house pretty much everyday for the last 2 weeks. He is popular at school and I have just had enough with it all I feel like we are reaching breaking point as a household. I have been so overwhelmed by the situation that I’ve had to take time off work due to stress.

I’ve suggested that he might go and stay with my parents for a short period. Not as a punishment or to “send him away”, but because I genuinely feel like we all need space to reset and stop things escalating further at home. My parents are willing to have him.

My husband is unsure and thinks it could make things worse or feel like we are abandoning him at a difficult age.

I’m torn because part of me feels this is the only way to stop things spiralling, and part of me worries it’s a step too far and we should be holding firm at home instead.

So AIBU for thinking sending him to stay with his grandparents temporarily is the right move right now?

And for those who knock boarding: he was an ideal candidate at the right age. No way would he behave like that as a border!

Why are you saying he assaulted a girl, then later saying he didn't?

I’m quite alarmed that being accused of assault hasn’t at the very least caused him to pause and reassess his behaviour. Is his school single sex? Why are they not concerned? At our mixed day independent they’d be absolutely all over this (and did call the police in when they had concerns about a boy’s behaviour). I agree with others - you need to pull him off the hockey tour - if his behaviour is this errant it’s not fair to the teachers being made responsible for him during that period. I don’t agree with you on the boarding front though so stop beating yourself up on that one - there’s plenty of alcohol, drugs and sex there too for the ones that wish to seek it out. Is he better behaved & more respectful in the presence of his grandparents?….

Thank you I will take a look :)

The school is set on defending him, we have discussed with teachers confidentially, they just think it is an phase he will grow out of.

That's because it's their reputation..

Stop making excuses. Just stop it.

You and your husband need to go to the school, speak to his head teacher and hockey coach together, and tell them that his bad behaviour at home is making you ill. You also tell them that your son is not going on the trip.

You then go home and destroy his passport.

You can either continue to choose to feel sorry for yourself and make excuses, which will ultimately affect the health of your younger children aswell as yourself.

Or you can either be an adult and give out consequences for his behaviour.

You decided.

Wow - that the school is set on defending him when you as parents are worried is really disturbing!! Are they desperate for numbers??

Ok so your post is that he’s with a different girl every day, is he horrible to them? Are they friends? Are they having sex? Are you worried he’s an extremeist misogynist? If the allegation is untrue, what is it that you’re concerned about?

Hi OP,

That. sounds tricky, I am a psychologist and often support families through difficulties. There doesn’t really seem to be a mental health component to this (although there might be). Is he being physically or verbally violent? Or is the thing you’re struggling with that he has become arrogant and is sleeping with a number of girls? I might have misunderstood the depth or level of problems here, I’m not sure. What would your expectations be of him through the lens of what you’d expect from a ‘typical’ teenager and what has veered off away from that? I’m just asking because a lot of what you’ve said sounds quite typical private school behaviour (that’s from personal experience rather than professional). Teenagers are quite often arses, but usually they don’t have to leave home. I’m just trying to see if there’s something around the expectations you have as parents and whether pushing boundaries or expectation onto him has made him worse and more entrenched in his behaviour?

Im just wondering why you are seeking support here where you’re already seeing someone to think about how you approach him as parents? You should be coming out of your sessions able to understand what is happening and feeling more able to put boundaries in place (if that is what they have formulated the problem is). To be honest we would usually expect to work with the parents about stuff like this rather than the child. We might invite the child to parts but it is more about parenting. Are you seeing a qualified psychologist?

He will grow out of it.

parenting him will help him to do so without devastating/ life-changing consequences. Can you follow that?

Going against the grain here, but you sound too strict and he's pushing against that. If he's a popular academically able boy, is it such a big deal if he dates different girls? All quite normal at that age 🤷‍♀️

The school did not care after the messages and phone calls and emails from the girl, in the messages she did threaten him and was harassing hi. All he did was say he was not interested in her and he wanted her to leave him a alone. I wanted to report it to the police and we told the girls family to go through the proper channel and then the parents said don't worry and she took it all back saying she was just upset he blocked her.

My parents think 'its just a phase' which doesn't help, they love him , his teachers like him despite his behaviour , academically he is doing well , sports wide he does well, its just his behaviour and lots of places are willing to overlook that.

And because he is academic and super at hockey!

terrible school!

So the problem is that he has a lot of girls and is arrogant?

I'd start with taking his phone away, removing internet if he is gaming in the evening, dropping him off and picking him up directly from school, not allowing him to meet with friends and cancelling any participation in holidays until behaviour improves. That may mean only one of you goes on your family holiday with your other children whilst the other parent remains at home with him. Personally I'd lean in and give him more parental attention than he knows how to deal with rather than send him away to stay with others.

Different girls: he needs to be safe, understand boundaries, under age sex, consent, etc.

he can have his girls, provided he is showing understanding of the above. At the mo, he is not.

Is it just me or is the concerns not just he’s an arrogant teenager who doesn’t care about his parents rules or boundaries?

The thread is somehow devolved in to him being some kind of psychopath. I don’t see that much concerning behaviour. Just normal arrogant behaviour of someone who has been blessed with good looks and charm

In my experience the nightmare hormone-influenced behaviour is around 16yo for boys and 13yo for girls.
I’m a pretty tough cookie but privately I’ve been reduced to tears, worrying about them (school environment) and how deep things would get, before MOST of them resurfaced as perfectly pleasant kids to be around. Same for my own DC.

It sounds like the OP has a particularly difficult and early case of this. What has caused the entitled attitude to girls and sex? I’m guessing certain prominent influencers. Going to an all-boys school (and IME not growing up with sisters) isn’t going to help, either. He’s been pushed to do exams and sport beyond his age, so he’s probably been around 16yos for a couple of years and is trying to prove himself above and beyond their (nightmare) level.

He needs removing from the situation (grandparents and then a mixed school) and some serious intervention from professional behavioral specialists. The parents just aren’t equipped to cope with the situation.

They have a waiting list , my nephew could not even get in for 7+ entry. I do not think they are struggling for numbers, it's a popular school but it was clearly the wrong choice for our son from the looks of it.

I agree with @Bridesmaidorexfriend

i think you need to get to the bottom of why he’s being like he’s being

Was he like it before the girl that has caused all these problems?

I also think you need to cancel the trip to the USA yours and his hockey trip

Then you possibly need a discussion about what you’re going to do. Your other children should not be penalised for his actions. I think maybe one of you needs to stay at home with him and the other take the other children away but I think you can only do that if you know the root cause of why he’s behaving like he is.

This. Sounds like a massive over-reaction to normal teenage behaviour

I voted Yabu because what he needs is consequences for his bad behaviour and firmer boundaries.

I also think you need to cancel the trip to the USA yours and his hockey trip

Way to completely ruin your relationship with him

Thank god some sense.... I dont see psychotic or sociopath behaviour. I see an over confident young fella who needs to ensure he is being safe and respectful of women. He sounds rocky, a lot of that can actually be insecurity.
Op what is he doing to make you so worried?

If you reverse this, and he had called her 50+ times in a day, refused to take no for an answer , threaten to make false allegation about her and then make them he would rightly be considered a dangerous stalker. He is a 15 year child , and most worryingly you were immediately prepared to believe his stalker to the extent you couldn’t look at him and sent him to grandparents so he had ti navigate it alone.

the poster who suggested a trip away just you and him, to the Lake District or wales or somewhere remote from where you are made a good call. You need to repair your relationship.