AIBU I genuinely think I hate my 15 yr old son!! I blame myself and dh

[BrightPearlEagle]

I honestly don’t know if I’m being unreasonable or if I’ve just reached the point where something has to give.

My husband (49M) and I (46F) have three sons. Our eldest is 15. He attends an independent boys’ school and is academically very able he has already sat some GCSEs early and is expected to continue doing well academically.
But at home, things feel like they’ve completely broken down.

He ignores rules, refuses boundaries, and any attempt to parent him leads to arguments, shutdowns, or him simply doing what he wants regardless. It feels like we are constantly in conflict and there is no cooperation at all anymore.
The stress in the house has become constant, and it’s affecting the whole family dynamic, not just him. We are trying to parent him consistently, but nothing seems to be getting through.

We’ve now also been called into school for a formal meeting regarding his behaviour, including concerns about him with girls and general conduct in school. Academically there are no concerns, but behaviourally they are clearly worried. from underage sex to drinking we are done we do not know what to do. He has had a different girl in the house pretty much everyday for the last 2 weeks. He is popular at school and I have just had enough with it all I feel like we are reaching breaking point as a household. I have been so overwhelmed by the situation that I’ve had to take time off work due to stress.

I’ve suggested that he might go and stay with my parents for a short period. Not as a punishment or to “send him away”, but because I genuinely feel like we all need space to reset and stop things escalating further at home. My parents are willing to have him.

My husband is unsure and thinks it could make things worse or feel like we are abandoning him at a difficult age.

I’m torn because part of me feels this is the only way to stop things spiralling, and part of me worries it’s a step too far and we should be holding firm at home instead.

So AIBU for thinking sending him to stay with his grandparents temporarily is the right move right now?

You could still report him. There’s every risk if you don’t that he will continue to believe (as charismatic powerful men do) that how he treats women really doesn’t actually matter one way or another.

Because he assaulted one. Why would you allow a child into your house knowing you’re putting them at risk of SA?

Talk about burying the lead. He assaulted a girl.
Take away his stuff.
Get locks for your house.
Don't give him any money.

If your parents will have him I think this is an excellent idea. No one is abandoning him but he needs to learn that actions have consequences and his behaviour isn’t ok.

Our 14 yo girl has been a nightmare recently. They need firm boundaries and to understand that the entire world does not revolve around them at this age. We did liberal leniency and it did not work so we’ve toughened up and told her this. Things are going better now. Key sanctions are phone removal and not being allowed to go to town on a Saturday!

On the girls - insist his bedroom door stays open and don’t let them stay the night! 😀 Maybe some conversations about morals and self respect? (And dangers of pregnancy and diseases…)

I’m not pleased is probably the best word I thought of.

He is very active in sports and other activities, he’s captain of his hockey team, plays almost every day, represents his school and county, and he’ll be going to the US this summer for two weeks with his school hockey tour.

My husband and I have truly tried our best, but things feel really difficult right now. He refuses to attend counselling and doesn’t really engage with us on a personal level. We still make a real effort to spend time together as a family and were away in Cornwall together last weekend.

At the moment we just feel quite worn down by it all. He was such a sweet, easy going boy growing up, and we’re struggling to parent.

I guess I came here to just rant

He doesn't go to the us for summer camp. Actions have consequences and it sounds like that might actually be something he cares about. You are also super clear with him why his behaviour has resulted in this loss of privilege.

Well actually he won’t be going to the US this summer will he? Because his behaviour is so dreadful that you have decided to stop him going…..how about that?

We wanted to but she said she consented and was upset that he blocked her. I am not happy about the situation but there is context to it and there were messages of him simply telling her that he does not like her etc and her saying she misses him etc. I was horrified horrified, upset and quite angry, he went and stayed at DHs parents as I did not want to see him, he cried and said he did not assault her and would not stop crying at my parents house, he told me he did not want to be her boyfriend but I am defeated with it all to be honest.

You’re not struggling to parent. You’re not parenting.
no one gets in the house, full stop.
America totally off unless he behaves.
he will soon start engaging when you remove privileges

It’s not too late for him to board. But he will probably behave badly there too.

I really feel for you. My eldest too was so difficult. Refused to observe any boundaries. Was actually quite violent when I took away his internet.

People always assume that young people like this will listen when you set boundaries.

There are actually some out there who simply don’t care. May be violent or hostile and normal parental regulation doesn’t affect them at all.

I tried everything.

He is 21 now and he’s ok. Much less difficult.

I wish I could be more help op but know that you’re not alone. Or failing. It’s just that there are some kids who don’t respond to the usual frameworks. And refuse to.

How about removing him from that school? They aren't benefiting him and presumably he would care about that.

With the summer holidays approaching will this stop him bringing girls home (as I’m assuming they are from school) and acting ‘Jack-the-lad’? Do you think time away from school will improve his behaviour?

If it’s No to these questions then send him to his grandparents, so he gets a clear break away from others he knows. As long as they live far enough way. He may use this time just to simply re-set and be a kid again without having the pressure of having to look and be cool!

Maybe no phone too - so he can’t see what his peers are up to - or is this pushing it?

Oh this is not good. Is he Yr10 or Yr11?

It's one thing being a pain, a lot of them are like that, but the thing with the girls is quite another and he needs to be stopped before he really gets himself, or somebody else into trouble.

It's time for serious action, moving schools, boarding or sending away to grandparents for the summer (although will he just go out and misbehave there?) all seem possibilities for you.

I agree with a couple of PP's. Stick him n the local comprehensive school.

Fuck would I be paying school fees for him.

Sounds like he thinks he is the big I am. A reality check is what is needed.

No phones, tablets etc, no girls in the house, no pocket money, no going to the US over summer. Remove every single privilege until he can behave himself.
I would also consider sending him to the local state school as a PP has said, it might take him down a peg or two.

Adding to my other post, I had missed the bit about him assaulting the girl, this is surely the key issue here that marks his behaviour out as different from standard teenage stuff. I actually can’t believe anyone is still letting him go on this US tour - what if he assaults a girl there? He’ll be clapped in jail for years. They don’t mess about, especially with ICE at the moment.

Otherwise, I think you should use scare tactics - girls are not there to assault, he needs to treat them with respect. If he gets a criminal record all the GCSEs in the world won’t help him because employers do DBS checks and they don’t employ people with criminal records. He is really extraordinarily lucky that this girl withdrew charges, does he actually realise this? It could have thrown his whole life off course.

If the US tour in the summer is still on the cards (per the above I absolutely wouldn’t risk it) maybe use it as a lever ie he won’t be going unless he shapes up.

If he doesn’t stop treating you badly you will stop paying for private school. Perhaps it is the entitled behaviour of the boys at this school that is rubbing off on him - it may sound radical but going to comp (or the threat of it) might sort out his behaviour?

I’d be sending him to the grandparents and then into a state school a bit sharpish. Sounds like he needs a bit of being brought down to earth.

She came back and said she was lying and was upset. He blocked her and there were messages showing him telling her he just does not like her, that does not excuse his behaviour but he has maintained that he never assaulted he, they both wanted to and afterwards she wouldn't leave him alone, there was a day she called him over 50 times which is why he blocked her. Not excusing his behaviour at all but her parents did not want it to go to the police, dh and i did as much it pained us but then our son showed us all the messages and phone calls etc.

We have stopped giving him money for now and we will keep reassessing.

Stop wasting money on an independent school.
Take him out send him to local comp. I would have a huge issue with the girls he can’t keep having sex and then dumping them, that is hugely misogynistic behaviour and needs stamping out.
Suggest he is grounded, all forms of electronics are taken away and leave him with his grandparents while you go on holiday.

He sounds like the kind of boy boarding schools were made for.

Anyway, he needs to learn that while you can't stop him living this way if he really insists, you don't have to live with it. It's not too late for boarding school. If not that, then absolutely send him to his grandparents, if they'll take him. Don't take him on holiday with you. As long as you keep putting up with his behavior, he will have no reason to change. If he wants the privileges your money provides, he needs to abide by your reasonable rules, or else move out and pay for it all himself.

It certainly would take him down a peg or two. @BrightPearlEagle this isn’t a bad idea.

Sorry i have no advice as not faced this. You can turn up at school to collect him but if he refuses to get in your car you cannot force him which will show he can run circles around you. So trying to enforce boundaries and rules as he is wont work. My only advice is you sound like you feel you are the victim in the situation and you need to get yourself strong as he will see your victimhood

I would make his life an absolute misery. He’s 15 you’re still in charge. No phone. No internet. No girlfriends. He is escorted to hobbies and back. He is respectful or stays in his room with no tech. No pocket money. I would socially isolate him and then he can ‘earn’ short privileges with respect and cooperation. He also needs intensive teaching about consent and abuse of power.

This is a lesson to all parents of young children. The privilege of freedom and independence does not come without fundamental respect in the first place.

@BrightPearlEagle but what are you actually doing about this?

therapy doesn’t count as that’s not consequences.

respectfully it doesn’t sound like much?

This.