AIBU I genuinely think I hate my 15 yr old son!! I blame myself and dh

[BrightPearlEagle]

I honestly don’t know if I’m being unreasonable or if I’ve just reached the point where something has to give.

My husband (49M) and I (46F) have three sons. Our eldest is 15. He attends an independent boys’ school and is academically very able he has already sat some GCSEs early and is expected to continue doing well academically.
But at home, things feel like they’ve completely broken down.

He ignores rules, refuses boundaries, and any attempt to parent him leads to arguments, shutdowns, or him simply doing what he wants regardless. It feels like we are constantly in conflict and there is no cooperation at all anymore.
The stress in the house has become constant, and it’s affecting the whole family dynamic, not just him. We are trying to parent him consistently, but nothing seems to be getting through.

We’ve now also been called into school for a formal meeting regarding his behaviour, including concerns about him with girls and general conduct in school. Academically there are no concerns, but behaviourally they are clearly worried. from underage sex to drinking we are done we do not know what to do. He has had a different girl in the house pretty much everyday for the last 2 weeks. He is popular at school and I have just had enough with it all I feel like we are reaching breaking point as a household. I have been so overwhelmed by the situation that I’ve had to take time off work due to stress.

I’ve suggested that he might go and stay with my parents for a short period. Not as a punishment or to “send him away”, but because I genuinely feel like we all need space to reset and stop things escalating further at home. My parents are willing to have him.

My husband is unsure and thinks it could make things worse or feel like we are abandoning him at a difficult age.

I’m torn because part of me feels this is the only way to stop things spiralling, and part of me worries it’s a step too far and we should be holding firm at home instead.

So AIBU for thinking sending him to stay with his grandparents temporarily is the right move right now?

I did come here to rant, we are struggling with parenting him that is the gist of my post.

Dh and I have tried, he has maybe tried more but I am struggling it has caused me a lot of issues enough issues to cause me to take time off work, luckily it's an understanding workplace. We have taken his phone off him on different occasions? He does not care about electronics but he still messages his hockey teams, he can do both and still not care about electronics.

I have failed him and yes you are probably right I am lazy and that is what has caused this.

Look I did not come here to argue, more so to ran, maybe wrong threat but yes I am a terrible mother

Stop with the me me me. Actually parent your child before he gets a serious charge and hurts someone
No hockey, no phone, no money. Until he learns to behave better

Hey OP - I just wanted to let you know I would have no idea what to do either... I would feel totally overwhelmed as a mum.
Sometimes all the practical advice and logical decisions feel so far out of reach.
I know I'm not helping... just wanted to let you know your not alone x

He is just an arse, I do not think he is a psychopath etc, he just loves to test boundaries and see how far he can go.

We do show him that we love him maybe he doesn't feel as though we do, we are both put of our depths here

Thanks will do

How does he still manage to message the hockey team if you are taking his phone away?

Why aren’t you answering why you’re allowing him to go on the hockey trip?

No one is arguing with you. We’re trying to get through to you that you are being way too soft! Find your anger ffs. Do something!!!!

No one’s arguing, but it is frustrating to read when the answers are as plain as day.
You sound fed up which is understandable but you still need to parent even though it’s unpleasant and hard work! It doesn’t stop when they’re out of nappies.

There is clearly a problem with your connection to each other. It must be tempting to send him to your parents but I'm not sure that's really the answer.

You might like to look up "blocked care". That sounds like where you are.

Would you consider something like family therapy?

It may sound counterintuitive if he isn't behaving well, but I'd look for opportunities for you to take pleasure in your relationship with each other.

You didn't take his phone away, you didn't take his electronics away. You are worried about how bad this looks for you. But you don't actually want to do anything?

Cancel your holiday. Withdraw his permission. He can't travel as a dual national as a minor without your consent.

Take away all his electronics permanently. And then having taken them away, yes send him to his grandparents for a week. If he wants to communicate with his mates he can write letters from there.

And no boarding school is a terrible option. What will happen is you will feel guilty about it, and give him loads of money and so he'll lead the same life at boarding school- just that it won't be under your roof and you won't have to deal with him being unpleasant to you. So that's a terrible option!

Yes, please stop. It almost made me teary as faced with something slightly similar with my adopted daughter, I had no time for self-pity or me me me. It was exhausting, stressful but I got on with it as an adult. I parented her some more and behavior stopped. She is an ideal daughter now.

my Goddaughter is also going through a phase. I support the parents, visit her. Talk to her. Etc etc in other words: parenting!

please parent him properly!

Thank you, I appreciate this. I think people here might have misinterpreted.

I'm overwhelmed, and I think what's hardest is feeling overwhelmed by the whole situation and feeling as though I have failed my son, anything he does will always come back to us and how we have parented him. We want him to know that he's loved unconditionally, but we also want him to understand that his actions have consequences.

This,OP. I am so sorry you are having such a horrible time but your suggestion that either he should board or go to his DGPs makes me wonder if you want someone else to fix him for you. The problem here is complex but the bit that stands out for me is that you do not have the relationship with him you need to keep him safe. All 15 year olds think they would like to be free of all restraint but actually they do much better with boundaries.

Take the phone, discuss how you can't send him to the US if you are concerned he will get into trouble overseas with the Police and very calmly, set out some reasonable expectations for him to meet to still get to go. Tell him you'd hate him to miss out and you'll help him adjust his behaviour.

He sounds out of control and that will be frightening to him as well as you, even if the behaviour you are seeing doesn't accord with what you might expect when scared. I think you should keep on with the counselling but he won't benefit from hearing how awful you find him. I expect he knows. You were very quick to believe him a rapist. Most mothers, even if they are wrong, jump to their child's defence. I believe that he was falsely accused.The apology from the girl's family is unusual. Lots of boys behave badly but so do some girls and not being believed must have been horrible for him.

Kids who act terribly are not okay. What is the problem from his perspective? Your post made me think that as a family you place value on being academically good, captain of something rather than on everyday acts of kindness, being a good friend, treating others well. Can you reverse this?

Could you send the younger two to the grandparents and take him away into nature for the weekend without phones and renegotiate your relationship? He doesn't think he has to do what you say and you don't sound like you like him very much. Loving someone and liking them are not the same. Can you find things you do like about him and tell him?

He also sounds like he has had a free ride- everything he wants provided. It might be time to renegotiate this too.

Personally, however 'tough' parents want to get, I have never seen massive punishments heal a relationship and I think that is what you guys need. Start again. His behaviour is screaming out that all is not well in his world. Calmly try to find out what's going on.

I am sure he isn't the only 15 year old boy treating girls with a lack of kindness: I think lots of parents don't know anything about it, mind you. This is definitely worth a calm discussion. Is he perhaps winning at women in a similar way to hockey? Might attendance at an all boys school have left him with the erroneous view that women are not people too? If so, I am not sure boarding school will fix that misunderstanding but you might.

I can guarantee you he does if you are strict on this.

How do you think he is messaging these girls?

If he loses the ability to talk to girls at all for a week he will not be so blasé.

He sounds like he's crying out for some boundaries. Loving a teenager is not about indulging them, but imposing those boundaries. They won't appreciate it then. You don't need to 'show your love' more by giving him material things. You need to take those material things away, simplify his life, be super consistent in your discipline.

The thing that I suspect is hard for you is that you haven't done this for fifteen years. That is a very very long time to parent one way and then try to change course. Because most of us did it when they first start to push boundaries when they are toddlers. So it's easier to bear the pain of them lashing out when they are little and much more dependent on you. You are going to have to do the hard work now, when he's bigger, stronger and more independent.

there is a boy at my daughters school that sounds like this lad...he came from a local private school...

he is still a knob! I knew of him before he moved. Just in a different uniform.

That's fair I think maybe I have a lot of time for self pity ahaha

I posted here because I feel sorry for myself and I am struggling, some people are better at managing things, I am clearly out of my depths here. Easier to get on with it for some, not me right no and maybe that makes me a bad mother so be it, its affected my mental health a lot and everyone who knows us can see that we have tried and will continue to try but also we can feel overwhelmed.

I’m not sure that all of the advice to come down on him like a tonne of bricks, change his schools, and that you just need to be tougher are realistic. Sounds like you’re at constant loggerheads. I don’t think it would be a bad thing to send him to his GPs for a few weeks. Explain that you all need to reset and calm down. Then work out what your boundaries are, let the small stuff go. As in don’t get in to massive rows about chores etc. have clear consequences, no chores, no money for xyz.

Sounds like he’s been through something traumatic if we take it as gospel that it was a false allegation. Let him have friends round but in communal areas, not his room. He needs to be told that by leading all of these girls on, not only is he becoming a horrible person but he’s putting himself at risk of similar allegations. One time people may believe him, another and he’s going to be known as a predator.

It’s easier said than done, but feel like yoh all needs a reset, time away so you can make sure you’re picking your battles correctly. Make sure he knows you love him, even if you don’t like him at the moment. I just think sometimes when it’s constant criticism and constant punishments they begin to lose any meaning and that’s why he’s so ambivalent to the rules

I don’t think we’ve misinterpreted.
But you do come across like you’re done with it and want someone else to fix him.
It’s understandable that you want the easy, sweet little boy back but that isn’t happening.
Forget worrying about him knowing that he’s loved unconditionally. He knows and he doesn’t care. All he sees is that Mum is inconsistent and a pushover. He has no respect for you or any of the other women l/girls he has had in his life so far.
You absolutely need to get tough now.
You want a lovely US family holiday all together for You but ultimately it would again signal that he can behave as he likes and it makes no difference to his family life!

This is an interesting angle.

My fear is that he's going to act all Bertie Big Bollocks wherever he is. Sounds like he's good looking, confident, charming (with those teachers who are standing up for him and with the girls swooning at his feet), academically probably bright enough to coast along with good grades.

You've got to take it all away. All the ability for him to have fun. No laptop, phone, money, freedom. All of it and it takes as long as it takes for him to earn back your respect and trust before he gets the freedom and things back. Yeah, he's going to kick off, big time but you and hubby have to stand united. Enlist the help of the school if need be.

Then dragging and screaming to family therapy, or therapy on his own. My gut instinct isn't just having everything, there's been a huge shift in his personality and I wonder what's going on that he's not telling you about. Even if just some rabbit hole down the internet - his treatment of girls for example is something to be concerned about - where's that come from?

The person suggesting the younger 2 go to grand parents, is right. I meant to post about the 2. They need protection from this.

op, you are overwhelmed. Get some sleep. Both DH and yourself then need to work on a strategy and parent him. Repeatedly. I think you are not holding your line long enough before you give up!

No way can he go on a jolly to the US. First, because he needs consequences. Second, because he can't be trusted unsupervised around underage girls. Third, because if he does step over the line in the USA (especially as he's a citizen), he could just disappear into their justice system because, as you say, they don't mess about. My feeling from what you've said is that he's absorbing misogynistic, manosphere content, despite what he says to the contrary. And if he genuinely hasn't assaulted anyone yet, he almost certainly will. Extreme sexism and misogyny are now being treated as radicalisation and extremism, with the resources to match. You might want to look into that.

Act Early Support Line (UK counter-radicalisation support for parents inc misogyny and manosphere): 0800 011 3764 / actearly.uk

The Prevent Programme: Contact your local council or local police (non-emergency 101) to ask for a Prevent referral for violent or misogynistic radicalisation.

Local Council Children’s Social Care: Contact your local council’s Social Services department for crisis youth intervention.

Beyond Equality: www.beyondequality.org (Working with young men on healthy masculinity)

Educate Against Hate: www.educateagainsthate.com (Government-backed safeguarding advice for parents)

This is like watching someone who has put their hand in a fire, complaining about how much it hurts.

Posters: Just... move your hand, and put it in some cold water.

Op: But, that would involve me having to move. I just wanted to rant about it.

You are in a hell of your own making op. I'd flippantly say enjoy it, but your laziness is also going to ruin your own childs life.

Are the grand parents strict or lenient, if they are a soft touch it will only make him worse, if they are strict and perhaps he respects them more it may do him good, they may be able to get through to him if only by being shocked by his behaviour. And it sounds like you have nothing to lose if you can't control him and need some respite. It is unfortunate that girls have been flattering his ego, which seems quite big enough.

Does he realise how near he might have been to going to prison if he sexually assaulted a girl, you need to clearly explain consent and under age, not to mention STDs and potentially becoming a father at 15 and how that would affect his life. It is really not OK to be treating girls as sexual objects at this age, he doesn't seem to be looking for a girlfriend, just any girl to have sex with.

Indeed. He will be one Mr untouchable. Worse idea.