AIBU I genuinely think I hate my 15 yr old son!! I blame myself and dh

[BrightPearlEagle]

I honestly don’t know if I’m being unreasonable or if I’ve just reached the point where something has to give.

My husband (49M) and I (46F) have three sons. Our eldest is 15. He attends an independent boys’ school and is academically very able he has already sat some GCSEs early and is expected to continue doing well academically.
But at home, things feel like they’ve completely broken down.

He ignores rules, refuses boundaries, and any attempt to parent him leads to arguments, shutdowns, or him simply doing what he wants regardless. It feels like we are constantly in conflict and there is no cooperation at all anymore.
The stress in the house has become constant, and it’s affecting the whole family dynamic, not just him. We are trying to parent him consistently, but nothing seems to be getting through.

We’ve now also been called into school for a formal meeting regarding his behaviour, including concerns about him with girls and general conduct in school. Academically there are no concerns, but behaviourally they are clearly worried. from underage sex to drinking we are done we do not know what to do. He has had a different girl in the house pretty much everyday for the last 2 weeks. He is popular at school and I have just had enough with it all I feel like we are reaching breaking point as a household. I have been so overwhelmed by the situation that I’ve had to take time off work due to stress.

I’ve suggested that he might go and stay with my parents for a short period. Not as a punishment or to “send him away”, but because I genuinely feel like we all need space to reset and stop things escalating further at home. My parents are willing to have him.

My husband is unsure and thinks it could make things worse or feel like we are abandoning him at a difficult age.

I’m torn because part of me feels this is the only way to stop things spiralling, and part of me worries it’s a step too far and we should be holding firm at home instead.

So AIBU for thinking sending him to stay with his grandparents temporarily is the right move right now?

Has something happened to him that you are not aware of? Young people don’t usually start acting out like this without a good reason. Maybe try to think ‘what’s happened to him, rather than what’s wrong with him’

Thinking that looking back you made a mistake in selecting that particular school is another way of outsourcing the issue. I read this again today and you are treating him like a product that has faulted - it wasn’t the storage facility - the issue is pretty normal and the biggest way to help him is to be close to him. You have had a relatively short time of fairly normal teen behaviour yet seem to dislike him and resent him for not turning out like you planned. Your concerns that he is a misogynistic wanker are better addressed through repairing your relationship before anything else.

I work with teens and especially troubled boys. They do very well with me invariably and while they enjoy the humour and the challenge why they like the most is that I like them, care about them and treat them as children. They thrive when they are mothered and nurtured and held to high standards.

It’s not that clearcut. OP doesn’t know what exactly happened. Girl said he assaulted her then she said he didn’t. But sex did take place. Who knows exactly how consensual it was. Was it assault or not? Do they even know? Was alcohol involved? Which would affect both judgment and recall.

OP didn’t say DS was ‘coerced’ but that the girl hounded him and offered to “mess about” which he eventually took her up on freely and then regretted it when she reacted badly and things escalated.

Girl’s school would typically initiate contact with the boy's school and parents. The safeguarding policies: “Child on Child Sexual Violence & Sexual Harassment” require that the school investigates and coordinate with the boy’s school and external agencies like the police or social care to handle the allegations. Schools generally try to engage with both parents unless it puts a child at risk.

The information the OP has provided is that they had sex after pressure from the girl. The boy felt that if he had sex with her she might finally leave him alone, I don’t know how much more clear it can be

He has a block option on his phone, email, social media, he has the option of asking his friends, his parents or even the school for help. Instead he chose to have sex with her.

That you see this scenario as black and white is clear, but I disagree.

@AnnieGetYourBun Yes you are. OP has no control over them, only over her son and his behaviour and attitudes. Hump and dump is not nice.

But his behaviour is being validated by the girls he knows.

If men receive attention from women, they don't change.

If men receive no attention from women, they think "something is wrong with me" then they try changing certain things.

Women choosing to be in a relationship with men creates a positive feedback loop which means they continue acting the same way. Do you understand?

OK so if OP was on here talking about her daughter who has been talking to a boy who messaged her every day and called non-stop. He kept asking her out but she said no. She told him she’s not interested in a relationship but he kept insisting they should have sex, no strings attached. She doesn’t feel comfortable telling anyone. If she doesn’t respond then he messages her friend. She doesn’t feel able to escape him. She has sex with him. She’s not sure why. She was worn down. The messages switch up, now he’s messaging her more, he’s threatening to kill himself if she doesn’t respond. He starts making allegations about her and spreading rumours to ruin her reputation.

Your reply to OP on mumsnet is what? Your daughter has lead that poor boy on. This is on her. She should have blocked him

You have left it a bit too late!!! Respect and boundaries start as very young children!!
I have 3 boys, all very intelligent, they wouldn't dare behave like that, they knew where the line was drawn and what the consequences where.
Also it depends on the grandparents I personally wouldn't want him!! It's your job, you need to start and be strick, take him out of the fancy school, he can go to the local one.

He is walking all over you because he can.

Let him know that your are charge in your house. So he has to dance to your tune. He seems to really enjoy behaving like a complete prat

Has my reply to OP ever been that? I never said DS lead her on or that it was on him. You’re keen to see this with a clearcut victim and perpetrator. But in fact they’re both to blame and neither of them are. They’re so young they don’t know what they’re doing.

It’s bad for you??

Instead of sending him away, why don’t you learn to parent more effectively?

To be clear I think they’re both fictional. What I’m shocked at is the replies suggesting that (even with OPs updates) that the son was still guilty of something, while the update is clearly something that if the genders were reversed would immediately get a lot of sympathy for the girl. While some posters are still determined to suggest that the boy is the perpetrator/should apologise/at fault

Ah I am sorry, I was replying based on your earlier posts and there is clearly more to this part of the story. I hope things do improve for him. It is not easy.

You can’t compute a scenario in which a girl pursues a boy and nonetheless ends up in a non-consensual situation? That’s one of many variables. If you think OP is a liar why bother?

My thoughts too! He’s had it pretty easy in his posher school! Give him a real life reality check in the local comprehensive. He’s 15 stuck between a boy child & man child hormones raging he certainly doesn’t need his parents to be abandoning him though! You can’t just ditch your kids when the going gets tough!

Did you apologise when you found evidence of him being lied about, but you hadn’t believed him? There’s some relationship building needed after that.

Please don’t move your son into a local comprehensive to improve is behaviour. It won’t. It will most likely make it worse. His behaviour is a cry for help. He’s 15. He does sound entitled, and spoilt but there are plenty of those children in local state schools too. He’s doing well academically and playing sports in a way that could help his university admission.

I would send him to your parents for a few weeks and if they’re close enough, I would say one of you each week should do 1 to 1 time with him.

He’s excelling in academics and sports and is popular? That’s a lot of pressure.

I don't know if this helpful but my brother had a similar effect on girls I don't know why. He was good looking granted but nothing out of the ordinary. From when I was 8 years old and he was 10 I would have random girls his age trying to befriend me as they had such a crush on him. This kept going on and on thoughout teenage years - girls who manipulated me so id let them in our house thinking they were my friend but actually they were stalking him. My parents were completely blind to it. Of course he 2 timed his girlfriends and slept with whoever he could. He was also intensely sporty, played at county level etc, also ADHD and dyslexic not sure if any relevance but may have explained sexual impulsivity and lack of academic success meaning he looked for validation elsewhere. All I know is, is this is a real phenomenon and if you are the family of a kid like this it is really hard. I can't lie it didn't end well op and what my brother really needed was consistent schooling, firm boundaries and yes some time away from where the problems were - also removing the smart phone and replacing with a brick phone would help avoid the intense snap chatting snd location stalking.

He's not a child. He's an adolescent. In some countries, boys aged 12 or 13 are out working all day to support younger siblings. And before anyone says 'It's not a race to the bottom' the point I am making is that young men have the capacity to behave superbly if we expect this of them and remind them that they are capable of it.

One way to do this is to have zero tolerance of arsehole behaviour.

All the parents I know with teens who behaved badly are the ones who shrugged and went 'Oh, teenage hormones' the first few times they were rude or stroppy or refused to muck in. The very first time either of mine did that, I discussed it to death with them. They were so bored by the earnest conversation and mild but relentless questioning, they didn't try again. No voices raised. Just gentle, tedious concern.

I don’t understand why you are so convinced your son is in the wrong. Seems that he is catnip to girls and not old enough to cope with it. Of course he feels let down by you assuming he’s in the wrong, not letting him put his side and still maintaining he is toxic after it has become clear that the girl claiming assault was at best a stalker. Just because he has a penis doesn’t make him a rapist or even a toxic misogynist.

He is a child and you seem so caught up in your head that you won’t see him and indeed say you hate him.

Why is he horrible to you in particular? It’s a mystery.

OP, I have read many of your posts, and I don't see the words "discipline" or "punishment" anywhere. Why are these things not happening? Why is he still going to the US on a hockey tour when his behaviour has been so bad?

He never had his own phone before age 15.
Months of messages from the girl who has been harrassing him.
He doesn't care about the phone or if OP takes it away.
He can easily get a girl, indeed brings home a different one almost every day.
You have taken away his phone at times.

Like... how? How is he luring all these girls without a phone?

I agree. I think it’s better with some kids than punishments.

Could you send him to your parents while the rest of you go? That might be what he needs. If he's that bad he probably doesnt want to go anyway and itvwoukd show him and your other kids you nean business and that behaviour has reprocussions.

I cannot believe the amount of people on this thread who think that if one of your teenage children acts in a way you don't like, then the best thing to do is send them to someone else to parent.

A boarding school, a Granny and Grandad (who haven't done that well as parents either if their own children can't cope with parenting).

So reject them.

Basically tell them you don't love them unless they do exactly what you can cope with and if they make a mistake you're throwing them out.

The fact that ALL of this happened over months, by the looks of it, without the parents having a clue, is on the parents.

Then when he did tell them they sent him away.

I cannot believe that the reaction to the son's distress was to throw him out.