AIBU to think a 9-year-old boy can use the ladies with mum?

[aliceyyyy2654]

An AIBU on behalf of a friend who told me this story today.

my friend was out with her two children (DS aged 9 and DD aged 6). She took both with her into the ladies loo in her shopping centre. When she was done and the kids were washing their hands an old lady came up and told her it was unacceptable for a ‘young man’ to be in the women’s toilets as he was not a girl. This kid is 9!!

She was rather upset and embarrassed and hurried out and her son asked her why she was being shouted at.

When she told me this story I told her to ignore it and to continue taking her young children into the women’s with her when their dad isn’t present.

AIBU to think that a 9 year old boy should be able to go into the women’s with his mum as it is much safer than going into the men’s alone?

Women’s toilets are all enclosed what could a boy see?

So you'd be happy to see a man in the women's toilets because they're all enclosed so what could he see?

However you might feel about seeing a man there, is how an 8-9 yr old girl might feel about seeing a boy there.

Stop kids going anywhere then as the statistic show assaults are. no more likely I na toilet than anywhere else. Don't let your emotions cloud the facts. I have also worked with many victims and perpetrators of child sexual assault. It's important to use facts and data and not rely on feelings.

Well in many years of parenting we have never bumped into people we know in a toilet. I was thinking of a situation in London where I left my ds so I could use the toilet and he was really worried as I was gone for a long time due to the huge queue. Boys need protecting as much as girls they are still children. I have boys and girls before someone jumps on that as well.

As a kid in the 80s and as a teenage lifeguard in the 90s, kids 8+ going swimming unaccompanied was the norm on a rainy weekend or school holiday. If they can do that including getting changed then a 9 year old can use a toilet without direct adult supervision.

We need to stop infantalising children and then wondering why they are snowflakes as young adults.

Quite a lot of dads send their little girls from about 6 into the women’s and wait outside… occasionally call out something like ‘you good X?’. Imagine their reaction to see a 9 year old boy strolling out of the toilet!! That boy would never go anywhere near the women’s again…. But shouldn’t take that for parents to apply some common sense that their older boy has no business in the women’s toilets.
Just stand outside.

But it's a terrifying thought when you're the mother of a 9 year old boy. All mothers want to protect their children and do their best for them, it's their primary objective.

DS is 9 and I do think that 8/9 in year 4 is the turning point. Last September I’d have happily taken him in the ladies, not so much now, unless it was a really crowded event and DH wasn’t there. I definitely wouldn’t take him in a changing room now and he would be mortified if I suggested it.

This was me too. I would hang about outside but they needed to separate from mum a bit. Frankly they’re in and out in minutes anyway.

Worst comes to worse, all go in the disabled.

When I take DGS9 into town we use the loos in John Lewis. There is a shared open lobby to them with a sort of square ”zigzag” to walk in either direction. No doors to actually enter the area, doors only into the cubicles. Only this year have I sent him into the men’s on his own, with an assurance that I’m waiting in the lobby, I can hear if a voice is raised and I WILL go in if he calls.

I haven’t taken him swimming since he was 7 and really don’t like the idea of sending him into the male changing room, he has always used a cubicle in the ladies’ to change, but he’s used to using changing at the gym where his mum swims, so I have to learn to let go!

No, but it means vulnerable children should be with their parent.

So because a boy could, possibly be sexually assaulted, girls are supposed to tolerate embarrassment and a lack of privacy every time an older boy is in public and needs to use the toilet. And if they would rather not have a boy close to their age hear them drop an enormous poo or open a tampon, too bad, who cares. Because a boy could be attacked one day, girls have to feel humiliated every day.

My brother would have been mortified to be in the ladies toilet at 9. He was perfectly capable of using the toilet by himself, Mum and I would wait outside. If Dad was with us he would accompany him, but he would rather go alone that go into the ladies.

What would be the issue if there is a girl on her period using the toilet? I don’t get this argument, there are individual cubicles and the boy is being supervised by his mum.
I have no issue with a respectful 9year old using the women’s toilets. I feel lots of 9 year olds are quite young to be expected to deal with the men’s by themselves. It seems like an odd contradiction to think that men are so dangerous that they need to be kept out of the women’s toilets, whilst simultaneously thinking that’s a safe environment to allow a child to navigate alone. Are our sons not worthy of basic safeguarding?

This comes up here a lot. Personally my son was done coming into the ladies around 6. I’d wait for him outside the men’s and he’d wait for me outside the ladies if we were out on our own or with my daughter. Same in reverse for my husband taking the kids out - my daughter didn’t want to go in the men’s so he’d just wait outside the ladies.

My son is 9 now and I’d be shocked to see one of his friends in the ladies. I wouldn’t say anything because I’m not confrontational like that, but I’d definitely be surprised and would remind myself it’s likely someone with additional needs etc so I should be kind. My daughter would be mortified though!

I think parental supervision changes things. It’s not like the boy is going to be off peering under cubicles and spying on women and girls. A 9 year old can vary in maturity and development a lot. My DS is perfectly capable of using the men’s at 9 and was comfortable doing so.However, in some situations, Inwoukd still take him in with me if necessary (e.g. busy stadium gig, half time football match or most recently, the men’s being closed for cleaning) My nephew, not so much. He has autism and a real fear of hand dryer noise. He can’t go into the men’s on his own. They often use the disabled toilets but when there’s a queue and he’s desperate, she takes him in the ladies.

I stand in the entrance way to the gents, send mine in and tell them to yell if there is an issue and I will charge in 😂 I also shout to ask them if everything’s ok (unless it’s my 13 year old alone because he expressly told me to stop it as he’s not a baby and bigger than me so he can look after himself 🙈)
My youngest comes in with me if his Dad/Brothers aren’t with us as he’s 6, but from about 8 they use the gents.
Im lucky that I usually have at least 2 with me so they can go in together.
I certainly wouldn’t let them head off into the gents without me standing in the doorway, just as I’ve seen plenty of Dads stood in the entrance way to the ladies with their little girls using the ladies toilets.
Ive never had a bloke ask me why I’m stood there, they obviously know that I must have my Sons in there within ear shot.

It's not always about the danger it's about dignity and privacy for women and girls. At 9 he has ti get used to the men's loos.

Is she the kind who thinks all men will attack? If so, why is she ok about the fact a young boy on his own in the gents is at risk from them?
How dare she? An 11 year old boy got assaulted in the toilets not long ago, soa 9 year old in with his mum is fine, and shows the mum cares! What is more likely-he and his mum are going to attack the horrible woman, or that the boy could come to grief in the gents? How does she know he doesn't have any additional needs?

If you won't let a 9yo use the toilet without direct adult supervision, then when?

At what age are they allowed to change without direct adult supervision?

At what age are they allowed to go the town on the bus without direct adult supervision

Etc etc

Because between 9 and 18 you have 9 years to get them from this point of using the ladies to going out drinking with their mates, whilst living in a city possibly hours away with other 18yo and shagging.

So for all the 9 is too young mumsnetters, when???

This is the bottom line. Lots of mumsnetters don’t believe boys are as worthy of protection as girls are. They don’t seem to see boys as children, they see them as short men! It’s sexual stereotyping.

Bring him into the women’s toilets so he can learn what toilets can be like without piss all over the seats. Hopefully he’ll carry those good habits into the men’s when he’s a bit older.

I thought 8 was the cut off point generally seen as acceptable? Perhaps that is a little young, but we have to have an age, and we have to stick to it. What age should it be do you think?

This, 1000 times this. I’d like to see the UK become a much better place for girls and women. Treated as a complete underclass, even by some women as this thread as shown. It’s awful.

Right, so why don’t we want men in the women’s loos again? Because it sounds like you’re cool with the risk of sexual assault, as long as it’s only male children we put at risk.

The whole argument against mixed toilets is the risk men pose to women’s safety. I’m not against this argument but I don’t understand how only women need to be protected.

I’m surprised a 9yo doesn’t challenge it themselves tbh. Most 9yos I know wouldn’t want to be in the opposite sex toilet with their mum in tow, they are really starting to want independence, beginning to walk to school
and back, be left alone at home for short periods.