AIBU to think a 9-year-old boy can use the ladies with mum?

[aliceyyyy2654]

An AIBU on behalf of a friend who told me this story today.

my friend was out with her two children (DS aged 9 and DD aged 6). She took both with her into the ladies loo in her shopping centre. When she was done and the kids were washing their hands an old lady came up and told her it was unacceptable for a ‘young man’ to be in the women’s toilets as he was not a girl. This kid is 9!!

She was rather upset and embarrassed and hurried out and her son asked her why she was being shouted at.

When she told me this story I told her to ignore it and to continue taking her young children into the women’s with her when their dad isn’t present.

AIBU to think that a 9 year old boy should be able to go into the women’s with his mum as it is much safer than going into the men’s alone?

I think people think 9 year olds are monsters!! 😂

it’s scary how many people don’t know about boys and clearly don’t have boys.

they also assume all boys are the same and all 9 year olds are the same.

Could be awkward for 10-11 year old girls having a boy hear them change sanitary towel etc

Shouldn’t little girls be taught that periods and period products are nothing to be ashamed of? My mum did and I will quite happily rip open a pad in public and carry it to the loo without hiding it. My partner (male) mum told him periods are nothing to be ashamed of and so he isn’t the slightest freaked out by them either.

Hear them ? What the hell are they doing that involves so much noise ?

Over 8s in their own sex changing room.

I asked earlier but didn't get a response (may have missed it - long thread)

Public leisure centres do not usually allow over 8s into wrong sex changing areas.

Some leisure centres only have this option - no family changing.

What are mothers doing in this situation where their child is at a much higher risk because they are taking off all their clothes, potentially in the presence of adult males or older boys?

Does this not indicate to you that this is a societal expectation that you allow them to use these facilities without you there?

Or the boy's parent could locate a suitable toilet for them that isn't a single sex space they don't belong in?

If an adult man feels frightened should they be allowed to use the women's toilets? I don't think so, I think they would need to find an alternative.

Male feelings don't trump female feelings. We need a solution that meets everyone's needs.

Women's and girl's right to single sex spaces is not a statement that men and boys are monsters. Women and girl's have a right to privacy and a desire for single sex spaces isn't attacking men.

We use a cubicle. It’s all mixed cubicles where we go. Nobody seems to mind different sexes walking around as everyone is behind doors.

Cubicles in mixed sex areas have floor to ceiling walls. In single sex areas they don't. It's not the same.

I agree on the privacy but that why I think the horror at an boy child being in the loos a bit hyperbolic - what are you doing in the communal area other than queuing and washing your hands? Everything else is private behind a cubicle door anyway. Given many other parents feel similarly about keeping their children safe, then we don't have to find another alternative other than supervising our children until an age we seem safe to send them alone into the men's.

The leisure centre we go to has one big room for both men and women with cubicles of varying sizes, none of them are floor to ceiling for the walls or doors, all have about a foot of a gap for escape if needed. It’s pretty common throughout the country and I’ve been to a few which have this style.

The way some people are taking about boys though is pretty awful. Like they will harm people.

we all want girls to be safe too. But they’re all just kids and we’re all mums doing our best to keep them safe.

not all kids are the same and some are more nervous or have been bullied and need a bit more time and compassion to feel safe and be able to speak up, run, or know what’s a danger. Kids develop at differnt stages.

it’s wonderful that some of you have such grown up and independent boys and girls. Not everyone does for various reasons.

it’s quite hurtful that some posters are making out our kids are “Jessie’s” or have a learning disability just because we want to keep them safe.

until I came into MN I never knew about the 8 year old thing so it’s not common knowledge and I’ve never seen a sign.

so I will continue doing what is right for my son in the same way I would any other child - boy or girl.

No one should be listening at the doors of any cubicles though? Unless you're suggesting it's audible from the communal area but I don't know why you think girls are somehow fine when it's other girls and women hearing them change a pad? How would they even know a young boy is currently being supervised in a cubicle nearby unless we're all narrating what we're doing ?

please don’t make assumptions based on what’s around you.

the places we go locally for swimming all have mixed cubicles with gaps underneath. Not floor to ceiling.

I have never argued that a parent shouldn't safeguard their ds.

I will strongly argue that girls have a right to single sex toilets and changing rooms (excepting small children of course).

So the solution for parents of older boys who aren't able to use the correct sex toilets is to find an alternative toilet space, not to access a single sex space they shouldn't be in.

The convenience of boys and their parents doesn't outweigh the right of girls to privacy.

In the UK there's a requirement for unisex toilets to have floor to ceiling cubicles, the guidance is here https://www.gov.uk/government/news/new-building-requirements-for-separate-male-and-female-toilets

We have guidance like this because it's recognised that people have the right to privacy from the opposite sex when using the toilet.

Okay - mixed sex changing villages are common, and work well - but has no one experienced the single room changing or has that gone the way of the ark?

I've only seen it in smaller/private pools to be fair - often with one tiny cubicle available.

No one thinks young boys are monsters - it's about appropriate ages.

For those who think 9 is fine, where do you think the line is?

You cannot protect your children forever - they have to go out by themselves, take risks to grow up. It's absolutely terrifying every time you extend their independence - but it's necessary.

Wait until you have to let them out in car by themselves - massive risks at that point in life.

No it's fine ,8nyear old boys are vulnerable if he's with his parent it's fine imo

Take it up with Freedom Leisure then 🤷🏻‍♀️

I can see you haven't actually answered my questions - the classic tactic when people don't have an answer - deflection and attack. I actually thought when very relevant - we are talking a lot about ages, so I was wondering at what age people feel it becomes safe. And I wasn't asking anyone to speak for all mums, just asking how a mum would make the decision for their specific child, to understand their reasoning/discretion. Nevertheless I will show you the courtesy of answering yours.

Women having a right to single sex spaces - protection from the very small percentage of aggressive men is part of it, although women can also be aggressive- I was attacked in a women toilet. But the main part for me is dignity and respect, with a bit of counteracting misogyny thrown in.

We aren't talking about changing rooms

Great. You do realise I don’t own the leisure centre?!

plus the convo was about changing cubicles.

you’ve posted about toilets?!

Just to put the risk levels into perspective, around 3350 children under the age of 7 are killed or injured in road traffic collisions every year vs 3 boys assaulted in a male toilet.

You know where children are probably most at risk? In their own homes, from people known to them, or from unsupervised access to the internet.

How would they even know a young boy is currently being supervised in a cubicle nearby

What?? So not only do mothers bring their sons into the women's toilets, they actually go into the cubicle with them and supervise them while they have a pee?

Love this very simple normal comment amongst the crazy 🤪