AIBU to think a 9-year-old boy can use the ladies with mum?

[aliceyyyy2654]

An AIBU on behalf of a friend who told me this story today.

my friend was out with her two children (DS aged 9 and DD aged 6). She took both with her into the ladies loo in her shopping centre. When she was done and the kids were washing their hands an old lady came up and told her it was unacceptable for a ‘young man’ to be in the women’s toilets as he was not a girl. This kid is 9!!

She was rather upset and embarrassed and hurried out and her son asked her why she was being shouted at.

When she told me this story I told her to ignore it and to continue taking her young children into the women’s with her when their dad isn’t present.

AIBU to think that a 9 year old boy should be able to go into the women’s with his mum as it is much safer than going into the men’s alone?

Christ sake don’t be so dramatic. They’re not “exposing themselves”, they’re having a wee.

YABU.

I know a lot of posters on Mumsnet think the cut off point is 8 for boys (at least I've read that a lot on here). I think a lot of this has been sparked off by the trans issue, and I understand because I'm GC myself but men are predators of women and children, we all know that, and 9 is still very young. A boy of 9 with his mum and sister presumably poses no threat. The only way I'd say anything is if he was peeking over the cubicles or something.

How about changing rooms OP?

Or you could search for the million other threads on this topic.

It seems perfectly reasonable to me, but the gym I use has signs up saying boys over 8yo need to use the men's.

I think 9 is a bit old to be in the wrong gender toilets. I'd agree he shouldn't be there. Little boys are fine, but not at that age.

As an aside... some 9yos can be taller than adult women. His mother does need to look at him objectively and not leave him hanging around if he is tall for his age.

Sounds sensible.

I wouldn’t personally be bothered - a changing room would be different.

However my boy has been going to the gents since he was about 7/8

If he's not happy going in the men's by himself you need to find a bush, or in a shopping centre a quiet corner of a changing room or one of those massive plant pots they sometimes have.

Changing rooms I’m not too sure what her decision would be, our local pool has one big room for men and women with individual changing cubicles so he just goes into his own cubicle to change which is often next to hers and DDs.

if it was an open style changing room she would probably use a family room if possible, again not 100% sure!

Men are not exposing themselves - they are urinating for goodness sake.

This is always a tricky issue for those of us with boys. We want to balance their safety with raising boys who respect women and their boundaries. If mum breaks the social construct/boundary how do we expect them to comply with request such as dont leer, use sexual gestures and language etc.
If we continue to bring older boys above about 8 (or those younger who happen to be taller, or those with additional needs) then we may not be respecting young girls or women using the same space.
I know that the girls in DD9 class would definitely not want to see him in their changing room at the pool however well behaved and discreet.
I concentrate on making sure I only select environments where I am happy to let him go in alone and where necessary stand by the door.

It very much depends on the child.
9 is fine generally, especially if with mum and sister.

Yes I agree with this.
This would embarrass any girl of the same age, that he knew, who was also using the toilet.

Really? You can guarantee his safety then. I've prepared file for court where a young boy was horrifically attacked in a mens toilets. The mother was right to prioritise her son.

People who have an ability to also consider his 9year old female classmate who’s just started her period I expect.

Wouldn't she be in a cubicle?

It wouldn’t bother me but it does bother some people. Personally I take all my kids to the M&S family toilet.

A 9 year old with his mum and little sister is not a danger to any woman in the toilets.

What about little girls? A little girl probably doesn't want to see a boy in the toilets any more than a woman wants to see a man, even if neither the man nor the boy are any danger to women.

And at nine, the boy himself probably doesn't want girls he knows to see him in the Ladies with his mum.

What about girls of a similar age some of whom he may know socially or from school if it’s a local venue? Would their feelings count?
totally unfair on them. How would he feel if he was using the male facilities and a dad brought a 9 year old girl walking past a urinal he was using? Or he came out a cubicle and the girl was waiting right outside. I expect your friend or her son would have an issue with that but it is the same.
the friend sounds very entitled regarding her son. Yet again this seems to be about male privilege.
I too have been stared at in a female facility by boys old enough to know better and the mother ignores or looks on adoringly.

Again wouldn't they use a cubicle. I don't think I've ever seen anyone dealing with their period in the public part of the women's toilet

Yes a boy being attacked is just like a girl using a cubicle.

It really depends on the context. It was a shopping centre so likely large and busy toilets. I would feel uncomfortable sending a young boy alone into the men's toilets. Especially if they have SEND (I appreciate it's not mentioned if this is the case in the OP).

Somewhere where the toilets are small and you can hover near the door and know it's empty or not many people in there, then that's different.

He is on the cusp of too old. He should where possible be using the mens.

The only time he should be using the women's is if it is very busy and there isa high chance of getting lost or there are obviously unsavoury characters about, or he has additional needs. Where possible she should encourage going into the men's in familiar public places and she waits outside to build confidence. Get him used in familiar places to he goes to the toilet and waits outside the women's toilets for his mum and sister.

So you'd expect a tall 5 or 6 year old to use public toilets alone simply because they are tall.