AIBU to think a 9-year-old boy can use the ladies with mum?

[aliceyyyy2654]

An AIBU on behalf of a friend who told me this story today.

my friend was out with her two children (DS aged 9 and DD aged 6). She took both with her into the ladies loo in her shopping centre. When she was done and the kids were washing their hands an old lady came up and told her it was unacceptable for a ‘young man’ to be in the women’s toilets as he was not a girl. This kid is 9!!

She was rather upset and embarrassed and hurried out and her son asked her why she was being shouted at.

When she told me this story I told her to ignore it and to continue taking her young children into the women’s with her when their dad isn’t present.

AIBU to think that a 9 year old boy should be able to go into the women’s with his mum as it is much safer than going into the men’s alone?

I think at nine, he should ideally be using the men's toilets by himself, particularly in a shopping centre where they're normally quite safe.

That said, if I was particularly concerned (because the toilets were unsavoury or the nine year old had additional needs) I would take him into the ladies with me. It's not really the right thing to do, but I don't believe any woman or girl is actually at risk from a nine year old boy closely supervised by an adult woman.

I probably wouldn’t think much of it if I saw it but I do think that 9 is kind of the age where they should be using the appropriate sex toilet. I volunteer with girls who are this age and many of them are well into talking about boyfriends, crushes, etc. so I think there’s a shift at this kind of age into pre-puberty and a much stronger awareness of the two sexes.

What do you think happens in mens toilets? Stats would indicate there is no higher risk in a male toilet than in any other public space.

Oh for goodness sake what harm did it do?! Why can't people mind their own bloody business. The old woman should get a life and realise there are bigger issues in the world than a boy accompanying his mum and sister to the loo.

You're suggesting he urinates in the corner of a changing room? Or in a pot plant in the shopping centre? Whatever the rights and wrongs of the issue, I don't think that's the answer.

I do think you’re right in that a toilet is less problematic than a changing room. The problem is that people generally apply the same rule to both. It is completely unfair on 9 year old girls at swimming pool changing rooms to have their classmate watching them as they get changed.
if the argument is that the male change is too dangerous for the boys, then you address that by providing family change. Not by simply dismissing girls needs.
ironically though, we know that it is some men that are the problem mainly because they feel entitled to women’s bodies, where does that start…

He's 9, not a toilet training toddler. Even then, I wouldn't want someone (even a toilet training toddler) having a wee in a changing room.

Of course not. I'm saying that they will get disapproving looks

No, too old, it's not appropriate. Girls his age may be uncomfortable with him being in there. I wouldn't mind but it's not just women in there, it's girls too and their comfort should be the priority.

My 9yo girl is autistic and when my DH is out with her he goes with her to the disabled/baby change area and stands outside or if she’s feeling scared or the 5yo is there goes in with them. He doesn’t take her into the men’s.

He’s old enough now to use the Male toilet otherwise when does it stop….10, 12, 13?

It isn't a one size fits all situation. My eldest went into the men's alone at 9, my youngest comes in to the ladies with me at 9.

My youngest is in the neuropathway, doesn't always know when he needs to go, and messes himself almost daily. I take him to the toilet when we are out in case of accidents/needs wiped/needs changed.

For the most part he can manage a pee alone and doesn't really so anything else outside the house, but I still need to be there. He can also find the sound of hand dryers overwhelming and upsetting, and again I need to be there.

If it is quiet and we can get away with using a disabled toilet I will, but he really doesn't need a disabled toilet atm, he just needs a bit more supervision.

Obviously if I am out with my husband then DS uses the men's, and if we are with the eldest and it is 100% pee, youngest is in an okay mood, and not too busy then he'll go into the men's with him too.

He is 9, he goes to the men toilets.

9! Why do people baby their kids so much. It creates generations of wet wipe young adults that we are seeing now.

A 9 year old can go in the men’s. Treating him like a toddler is not productive.

A 9 year old should only use the womens if it’s a super busy place like a concert venue and it’s very busy.

Definitely shouldn’t be in a changing room at that age. It might be changing to a place with family (unisex) changing but he will be used to girls and boys changing separately through school from around age 7.

Ive never understood that 'expose themselves' argument. They've all got willies!

Maybe if there were more toilets available in the ladies it would be less of an issue. Standing in a queue would be worse if waiting for boys to use the ladies.

I understand her caution with letting him go alone into the men’s where there’s men exposing themselves at urinals 🤷 is the most stupid thing I've read on MN for quite some time.

aliceyyyy2654 every single man using a urinal is exposing themselves. How else do you expect them to piss without getting their dick out of their pants?

He's 9. He should be using the men's.

Shopping centres and supermarkets are often where these very rare attacks take place. They’re probably fine for unaccompanied children to use in school holidays and weekends. But I would never allow a child to use them alone on a quiet weekday.

What rule? Can you point us to it please?

I’ve seen 8 mentioned a lot, but personally I think it depends on the child and the busyness of the place, and if you think they’ll be safe to go on their own. To me having separate toilets is about safety so a 9 year old with their mum wouldn’t bother me as they’re unlikely to be causing any issues.

😂 Perhaps these 9/10 girls should learn to shut the cubicle door!

I’d started sending my son into the men’s by that age. But I wouldn’t have minded seeing a 9 year old boy in the ladies, he’s still just a child.

Nine is far too old for a boy to be in the women’s toilets. As has already been suggested, the mother could have stood right outside the men’s loos and called out to him if she was concerned.

My sons have insisted on using the men's since they were 7, and my 9 year old would rather die than go into the women's. It made me anxious at first but it's just something your friend will have to get used to.