Page 35 | AIBU to think a 9-year-old boy can use the ladies with mum?

aliceyyyy2654 · 2026-07-02T11:47:38+00:00

An AIBU on behalf of a friend who told me this story today. my friend was out with her two children (DS aged 9 and DD aged 6). She took both with her into the ladies loo in her shopping centre. When she was done and the kids were washing their hands an old lady came up and told her it was unacceptable for a ‘young man’ to be in the women’s toilets as he was not a girl. This kid is 9!! She was rather upset and embarrassed and hurried out and her son asked her why she was being shouted at. When she told me this story I told her to ignore it and to continue taking her young children into the women’s with her when their dad isn’t present. AIBU to think that a 9 year old boy should be able to go into the women’s with his mum as it is much safer than going into the men’s alone?

LilOleMe2 · 03/07/2026 11:40

Newname26 · 03/07/2026 10:48

Its not really its closer to 11 or 12 for boys. Girls are younger hence they tend to have a spell of being much taller than the boys in their year group.

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Thats a very white-normative view! 9 is within the normal range according to Tanner, particularly for black and Hispanic boys.

NearlyNewNonny · 03/07/2026 11:43

At 9 he's old enough to go to the loo by himself.

LilOleMe2 · 03/07/2026 12:14

I am imagining my own sons if i had suggested from going into the girls toilets after they were 5 or so! Your poor son must feel like a big Jessie! And he will never live ot down if anyone from school sees him.
Seriously though you need to be careful not to transfer your paranoia to your kids.
You need to teach him how to minimise risk. Fir example Wait until he sees there at least 2 people in the gents before he goes in. Walk confidently straight to an empty stall,preferably by a wall and in straight line of the door. push the door right back before he enters, lock it immediately. Dont make eye contact or speak to anyone. Know that if need be he can just get out-doesn't need to finish, flush or hand wash. If you are superworried- verbal check ins or if that's not possible have a concealed phone/walkietalkie with an open call to you (obviously no camera!)

Bluehouse14 · 03/07/2026 12:21

LilOleMe2 · 03/07/2026 11:40

Thats a very white-normative view! 9 is within the normal range according to Tanner, particularly for black and Hispanic boys.

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And god forbid a black or hispanic boy enters the ladies! You really are clutching at straws. The UK is predominantly white british...The average age of puberty is 11/12. The earliest it can possibly start without it being classed as medically abnormal is 9 in boys. The majority don't. The first stage does not include a change in size/stature either.

PenelopePinkerton · 03/07/2026 12:24

SeasideDaisy · 03/07/2026 11:36

I haven’t read through this thread but in my my opinion it boils down to this.
Women and girls should be able to have a space separate from men and boys… In the age group this thread is on about a 9 year old girl wouldn’t want a 9 year old boy in a changing room with her and that is perfectly reasonable BUT..
A 9 year old boy is no safer in a men’s changing room alone then a 9 year old girl.
When my son was little (20+ years ago) a boy was sent into a Mens McDonald’s toilet alone and was raped. It is criminal that in 2026 that changing rooms/public toilets facilities have not had to provide a safe space for children to do their business. The issue isn’t single mums wanting to take their sons swimming without having to worry about shit like this the issue is that they can’t take their sons swimming without breaking the age 8 and above rule or crossing their fingers and hoping there isn’t a pedophile in the men’s changing room. Absolutely absurd.

20 years go, a friend was knocked down by a car🤷‍♂️

B1anche · 03/07/2026 12:24

LilOleMe2 · 03/07/2026 12:14

I am imagining my own sons if i had suggested from going into the girls toilets after they were 5 or so! Your poor son must feel like a big Jessie! And he will never live ot down if anyone from school sees him.
Seriously though you need to be careful not to transfer your paranoia to your kids.
You need to teach him how to minimise risk. Fir example Wait until he sees there at least 2 people in the gents before he goes in. Walk confidently straight to an empty stall,preferably by a wall and in straight line of the door. push the door right back before he enters, lock it immediately. Dont make eye contact or speak to anyone. Know that if need be he can just get out-doesn't need to finish, flush or hand wash. If you are superworried- verbal check ins or if that's not possible have a concealed phone/walkietalkie with an open call to you (obviously no camera!)

"Big jessie"? "walkietalkie"? I'm guessing it's several decades since you had your children.

HumberSquid · 03/07/2026 12:26

That's the weird thing about this thread tbh. The vast majority of 9 year old boys dont use the ladies loo. Their parents somehow find a solution so what's different about those who can't.

I agree that the average 9 year old would be utterly mortified to be taken to the loo by their mum.

laurini · 03/07/2026 12:39

AWeeCupOfTeaAndAnIndividualFruitTrifle · 03/07/2026 11:00

Yes, I think people really do like to stretch definitions to try to justify their own beliefs. My DN is 9 and he'd be horrified if anybody referred to him now as a 'little boy'. I've even heard people refer to women in their early 20s as 'young girls' before - although, oddly enough, never men of the same age as 'young boys'.

How is a child supposed to actually grow, develop and eventually learn to be independent if he's told "You're a big boy now, so you use the boys' toilets all on your own now you're at school" and then, several years later, "You need to come into the ladies' toilets with mummy"?

What is he actually to think? On a personal level, he will get confused about something that really should be straightforward; and he will also learn that you just pick whichever toilet you prefer each time - according to YOUR preference and nobody else gets a say or is allowed to object. As he reaches puberty and is starting to be curious about female bodies and have sexual thoughts, he knows that he was fine to use the women's toilets when he was a couple of years younger, so what's really stopping him now?

And I know that we're talking about toilets here - where most users will generally be behind locked cubicles when anything intimate is on show, so it's 'only' their single-sex privacy and dignity at stake and not a particular risk of being sexually objectified and having your intimate parts seen...

However, if you make these socially-accepted 'rules' that older school-age boys can freely use women's toilets, it's only a logical sidestep to changing rooms as well. After all, if men minding their own business using a urinal, with only their clothed backs visible, are assumed to be a threat to boys, how can you not extrapolate the same to a changing room, where men will quite legitimately be visible partially or fully naked, in the showers etc.?

Such a blurry lack of boundaries is not good for the boys themselves, it's not good for women and girls, and it's not good for society in general.

Edited

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My DN is 4 and wouldn't want to be called a little boy. It doesnt mean he isnt though.

HaveCreditWillShop · 03/07/2026 12:41

HumberSquid · 03/07/2026 11:39

It's completely fine for women to speak up in defence of single sex spaces. No one needs to be shouting but challenging unwanted incursions is absolutely allowed. It'd be good to see more of it in fact.

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If anyone challenges me and embarrasses my child simply for going to the toilet, they will sincerely regret it.

TheBlueKoala · 03/07/2026 12:42

It's frightening to read how many women think that a 9 year old boy = a man. I guess you don't have boys yourself. I hope you don't. At 9 my ds2 still had mixed sleeovers. Now at 12 he obviously doesn't. At 9 he still didn't want to go to the ladies with me so I waited and repeatedly called out to him when he went in to the men's. I was worried yes because the menace towards women AND children come from men.

user1471538275 · 03/07/2026 12:45

No one thinks a 9 year old boy is a man.

But a 9 year old boy knows that at school he uses toilets that are for his sex and that this a normal thing to do.

He might accept his mother's insistence that he goes with her into public loos because of her fear and anxieties at 9, but if she's still doing it at 12, he is likely to feel deep humiliation that he is not being allowed a basic level of independence.

It is parents job to prepare children for situations like this, allowing them a level of appropriate independence as they grow and talking through any difficult issues that may occur, suggesting strategies.

Using adult anxieties to limit children's independence is damaging them and our whole society.

HaveCreditWillShop · 03/07/2026 12:45

LilOleMe2 · 03/07/2026 12:14

I am imagining my own sons if i had suggested from going into the girls toilets after they were 5 or so! Your poor son must feel like a big Jessie! And he will never live ot down if anyone from school sees him.
Seriously though you need to be careful not to transfer your paranoia to your kids.
You need to teach him how to minimise risk. Fir example Wait until he sees there at least 2 people in the gents before he goes in. Walk confidently straight to an empty stall,preferably by a wall and in straight line of the door. push the door right back before he enters, lock it immediately. Dont make eye contact or speak to anyone. Know that if need be he can just get out-doesn't need to finish, flush or hand wash. If you are superworried- verbal check ins or if that's not possible have a concealed phone/walkietalkie with an open call to you (obviously no camera!)

You’re on another planet love - how old are your kids? 40?

never live it down? I honestly do not know where you’re getting your material from on this!

Tryingtokeepgoing · 03/07/2026 12:46

aliceyyyy2654 · 02/07/2026 12:57

To be clear he only uses the women’s when he’s out with just mum, he uses his own cubicle whilst my friend takes DD with her into hers. He is very quiet and well behaved and doesn’t go peeking into stalls like some other children do.

I understand her caution with letting him go alone into the men’s where there’s men exposing themselves at urinals 🤷

I haven’t asked her but I suspect he will begin to use the men’s alone when he turns 10 (he turned 9 in May).

That seems like unncesarily provocative language - men using urinals for what they are intended for is hard exposing themselves. I hate it when there are older boys in the ladies. It makes me extremely uncomfortable. Young boys, of course - aboslutely fine.

HaveCreditWillShop · 03/07/2026 12:46

user1471538275 · 03/07/2026 12:45

No one thinks a 9 year old boy is a man.

But a 9 year old boy knows that at school he uses toilets that are for his sex and that this a normal thing to do.

He might accept his mother's insistence that he goes with her into public loos because of her fear and anxieties at 9, but if she's still doing it at 12, he is likely to feel deep humiliation that he is not being allowed a basic level of independence.

It is parents job to prepare children for situations like this, allowing them a level of appropriate independence as they grow and talking through any difficult issues that may occur, suggesting strategies.

Using adult anxieties to limit children's independence is damaging them and our whole society.

We are talking about a 9 year old not a 12 year old in the second year of highschool.

user1471538275 · 03/07/2026 12:47

One of the posters described taking their 12 year old into women's toilets in WImbledon

HaveCreditWillShop · 03/07/2026 12:48

Tryingtokeepgoing · 03/07/2026 12:46

That seems like unncesarily provocative language - men using urinals for what they are intended for is hard exposing themselves. I hate it when there are older boys in the ladies. It makes me extremely uncomfortable. Young boys, of course - aboslutely fine.

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What is it specifically that you don’t like about seeing a 9 year old supervised by a parent walk in, wash his hands and walk out?
I just really don’t get what’s so awful about it? Can you help me understand?

laurini · 03/07/2026 12:50

LilOleMe2 · 03/07/2026 12:14

I am imagining my own sons if i had suggested from going into the girls toilets after they were 5 or so! Your poor son must feel like a big Jessie! And he will never live ot down if anyone from school sees him.
Seriously though you need to be careful not to transfer your paranoia to your kids.
You need to teach him how to minimise risk. Fir example Wait until he sees there at least 2 people in the gents before he goes in. Walk confidently straight to an empty stall,preferably by a wall and in straight line of the door. push the door right back before he enters, lock it immediately. Dont make eye contact or speak to anyone. Know that if need be he can just get out-doesn't need to finish, flush or hand wash. If you are superworried- verbal check ins or if that's not possible have a concealed phone/walkietalkie with an open call to you (obviously no camera!)

Referring to a 9 year old as a "jessie" and justifying school bullying. Way to go!!!

SeasideDaisy · 03/07/2026 12:52

PenelopePinkerton · 03/07/2026 12:24

20 years go, a friend was knocked down by a car🤷‍♂️

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Gross. Google how many little boys have been assaulted in public toilets by men. I didn’t suggest the answer was to let them into the ladies but to pretend that mums are hysterical for wanting to safeguard their little boys (and a 9 year old boy is just that) is ridiculous.

HaveCreditWillShop · 03/07/2026 12:53

HumberSquid · 03/07/2026 12:26

That's the weird thing about this thread tbh. The vast majority of 9 year old boys dont use the ladies loo. Their parents somehow find a solution so what's different about those who can't.

I agree that the average 9 year old would be utterly mortified to be taken to the loo by their mum.

So I have a now 10 year old so l can give you the specifics. A lot of the time a venue might have a single room toilet. In that case, I stand outside. Sometimes my son is with a friend like at the cinema, they go into the men’s together and I wait outside. A year ago I’d have taken both boys into the ladies. Say it’s a pub or restaurant and there’s a couple of urinals and cubicles in the gents. I’d probably let him go in but I will shout in as he enters and say I’m right outside. Say it’s a shopping centre, airport, sports ground - if his dad is there he takes him. If not - he’s coming in the ladies with me. So 90% of the time, he’s not in a ladies only space. But for those 10% of times when I believe the risk is too great, he comes with me and I will die on that hill.

Stompythedinosaur · 03/07/2026 12:53

HaveCreditWillShop · 03/07/2026 12:48

What is it specifically that you don’t like about seeing a 9 year old supervised by a parent walk in, wash his hands and walk out?
I just really don’t get what’s so awful about it? Can you help me understand?

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I dislike the way it makes my dds uncomfortable when they have to share what should be a single sex space with a similar age dc of the opposite sex. I don't think it's fair that they have to do that. Older dc should use the toilet for their sex or seek out a unisex or solo cubicle toilet imo.

I think those of us who are adults would be rightfully unhappy to share toilet space with adult men, and that my dds should be afforded the same level of privacy.

Mosaic80 · 03/07/2026 12:54

I wouldn’t have said anything but I wouldn’t take my ds in the ladies from age 7 ish.

HaveCreditWillShop · 03/07/2026 12:56

Stompythedinosaur · 03/07/2026 12:53

I dislike the way it makes my dds uncomfortable when they have to share what should be a single sex space with a similar age dc of the opposite sex. I don't think it's fair that they have to do that. Older dc should use the toilet for their sex or seek out a unisex or solo cubicle toilet imo.

I think those of us who are adults would be rightfully unhappy to share toilet space with adult men, and that my dds should be afforded the same level of privacy.

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Can you be more specific? Because I can’t understand what’s uncomfortable for them sharing sinks with a boy? I’ll add I also have a daughter. She definitely doesn’t want boys looking in the changing room at swimming but never seen her bat an eyelid in the toilets. Why do your daughters feel uncomfortable about a supervised boy?

blubberball · 03/07/2026 12:59

I have zero issues with 9 year old boys being in the ladies with their mum. They're still a child, and need protection from predators. They might be neuro divergent and still need a lot of supervision

Stompythedinosaur · 03/07/2026 13:00

HaveCreditWillShop · 03/07/2026 12:56

Can you be more specific? Because I can’t understand what’s uncomfortable for them sharing sinks with a boy? I’ll add I also have a daughter. She definitely doesn’t want boys looking in the changing room at swimming but never seen her bat an eyelid in the toilets. Why do your daughters feel uncomfortable about a supervised boy?

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I'm being as specific as I can. I believe my everyone has the right to toilet and get changed in single sex spaces. Surely you don't think we should scrap that and have everyone in together? Even if you have a personal preference for unisex toilets, those of us who prefer single sex toilets should be allowed to access them.

HumberSquid · 03/07/2026 13:11

HaveCreditWillShop · 03/07/2026 12:53

So I have a now 10 year old so l can give you the specifics. A lot of the time a venue might have a single room toilet. In that case, I stand outside. Sometimes my son is with a friend like at the cinema, they go into the men’s together and I wait outside. A year ago I’d have taken both boys into the ladies. Say it’s a pub or restaurant and there’s a couple of urinals and cubicles in the gents. I’d probably let him go in but I will shout in as he enters and say I’m right outside. Say it’s a shopping centre, airport, sports ground - if his dad is there he takes him. If not - he’s coming in the ladies with me. So 90% of the time, he’s not in a ladies only space. But for those 10% of times when I believe the risk is too great, he comes with me and I will die on that hill.

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Until what age exactly? 16?