AIBU to find my mum increasingly difficult since her retirement?

[HeatwaveToddlerMum334222]

Anyone else's mum unbearable as she gets older?

My mum is 60 this year, menopause already over. We (me and DS, and DH ocasionally) are spending some "quality" time with my parents at the moment (we have recently moved back to the UK after years spent in Asia, although we did see them a lot but it was always on holiday) and wow, she is genuinely so, so angry. She's recently retired, in good health, zero financial worries. Her life is genuinely perfect right now. The smallest thing will trigger her. Mostly housework/laundry/cleaning related. But traffic can be a trigger too. Every day is dictated by her moods. If she's happy, we're all happy. If one of us does something to piss her off or something goes mildly wrong, God help everyone. Everything must be perfect. It then triggers my dad, who will try to keep the peace but eventually blows up (usually at someone else, not her).

She's always been a bit like this, I definitely remember her being moody when I was growing up. But she had a full time job, children to raise etc. She was just a normal, slightly stressed mum.

She does do A LOT. She just doesn't stop, no matter how much you ask. She insists on cooking 3 course meals even though I can't enjoy them with DS around (he's 2, he can't sit for lunch for 1 hour+). She herself does not sit down to eat, she stands over you and watches you as she's too busy apparently. She unpacked all our clothes when we came here and folded them in our wardrobes (which I found really intrusive). And then she has moments of exhaustion where she snaps that we're not grateful enough. But will not let us cook, do laundry, nothing. She gets even angrier if you try.

I'm at.a total loss. It's ruining what should be a really nice time. I can't tell if it's anxiety, or just a horrible temper that has gotten worse.

My brother lives half an hour away and has visited once in 6 months. I now understand why.

OP, I recommend you to watch The Bear, episode 7 (called Forks) season 2. It may validate some of your feelings.

The episode is actually called Fishes. I got them mixed up.

I'm traumatised by that episode,it was like watching my life in screen.

This is a your-mum thing, not all 60 year old retired women. I can promise you.

Public sector?

I don't know anyone who retired that early - other than my Mum who was a nurse.

Lots of public sector retire at 60. Private sector go on for ever or until the pension pot is OK. It’s not gold-plated like the state sector.

Quite agree. Used to be everybody was dylexic. That seems to have fallen by the wayside.

Public sector- nothing gold plated about mine and will be working til 70 I expect

Mine is exactly the same. She’s a decade older but always angry about something. Covid jabs, the weather, someone being incompetent, traffic, perfectly normal stuff that we all deal with every day etc. It’s exhausting so I just try to see her once a week now. She won’t change, she was like it when you were younger (mine was the same) ms the only reason it didn’t bother you before was the distance / frequency of seeing her. Try and taper down how much you see her. I think it’s a personality disorder as my Mum would have done exactly the same with the unpacking, creating more work actually and you have to appear grateful 😂

She’s 60……menopause doesn’t magically finish once you’re out of your fifties…..can go on for years more!

@mrsmiawallace3

This made me laugh. I’m 37 and grew up with a MH nurse as a mother, it was all…. bit BPD, bit narcissistic…bit histrionic….. bit schitzo effective. This was all way before it became mainstream. Just normal day to day language 😂.

My Nan received multiple psychiatric diagnoses in her time as none of the doctors could agree. Everything from BPD, Multiple PD, schizophrenia! I’m sure if she was going through all that jazz now, she probably would have been diagnosed as autistic too. I don’t even trust the professionals on labels tbh, but that’s another debate entirely.

That isn’t to say, I don’t enjoy a spot of armchair diagnosing others myself 😎 . Particularly when it comes to my in laws 😂

Who’d be a mother, eh? Hope your kids as just as unappreciative when grown up.

Ah yes, mothers are all kind loving saints who are beyond reproach 🙄

Did you even read the OP?

Don't be ridiculous. All mothers aren't automatically saints just because the are mothers. OP's mum is behaving horribly and quite abusively and OP shouldn't have to put up with it.

Touch a raw nerve did it? OP is a separate person to her mother and allowed her own thoughts, even if her mum doesn’t like them.

Appreciate martyrdom? Appreciate the extremely manipulative “have these 3 meals a day that you don’t want so that you can be beholden to me. I am here for your validation of my greatness as a mother.”

And appreciate shouting the odds at people? Do you do that, do you shout at people who don’t jump through the hoops you set for them? Get in the bin.

I didn't read all you post as the first sentence triggered me, menopause is over,its never over,its for the rest of her life,how ignorant are you shes needs hrt to replaced the hormones that she has lost,do your homework daughter because you are looking at your future. Ifborant and I'll informed you ate im so angry you let women down and your mother,
. Go see a hrt specialist,Dr naomi potter,David a Mcaul get informed not just for her but mainly yourself.

She might not want HRT,might not be able to take it and she's 60 and perfectly capable of sorting out her own medical needs I'm sure. The OP says she's always been like this, HRT isn't a cure all that makes all of us into sweet fairies over night!

Yes the “give her HRT” line smacks of some sort of medical cosh.

If you don’t want your mum to cook three course meals just say “no thanks”. Are you made of jelly? Unable to speak? Same with cleaning. No need to assassinate this poor woman’s character just because you are incapable of saying no.

The pettiness is staggering.

HRT cured my rage, anxiety and panic attacks.

No one is a bigger fan of HRT than me. However, the idea that OP can 'get her on HRT', 'get her vitamin D' checked etc is nonsense. OP has said that her mother is incredibly stubborn. She has tried to confront her about her behaviour, and her mother shut her down immediately. OP's mother may well need medical intervention, but there is nothing at all that OP can do about it

OP’s mother is an adult and therefore in charge of her own medical treatment.

Mine is too. In that situation I would have to stand, pointing at the door shouting "out! Get out!" at her, increasingly loudly. Until she would finally shuffle out saying there's something wrong with me.
It's exhausting. Can only fight fire with fire with people like our mums and other people with reasonable parents just don't get it.

Yes, it seems like a lot of people on this thread have never dealt with a martyr personality. "No thanks" or "don't worry I'll do it myself" doesn't cut it. You have to speak borderline aggressively to get them to pay any attention to the boundary, and then they are hurt and angry and criticise you for being unkind.

Agree with this.

Why is she shufflng ?