AIBU to find my mum increasingly difficult since her retirement?

[HeatwaveToddlerMum334222]

Anyone else's mum unbearable as she gets older?

My mum is 60 this year, menopause already over. We (me and DS, and DH ocasionally) are spending some "quality" time with my parents at the moment (we have recently moved back to the UK after years spent in Asia, although we did see them a lot but it was always on holiday) and wow, she is genuinely so, so angry. She's recently retired, in good health, zero financial worries. Her life is genuinely perfect right now. The smallest thing will trigger her. Mostly housework/laundry/cleaning related. But traffic can be a trigger too. Every day is dictated by her moods. If she's happy, we're all happy. If one of us does something to piss her off or something goes mildly wrong, God help everyone. Everything must be perfect. It then triggers my dad, who will try to keep the peace but eventually blows up (usually at someone else, not her).

She's always been a bit like this, I definitely remember her being moody when I was growing up. But she had a full time job, children to raise etc. She was just a normal, slightly stressed mum.

She does do A LOT. She just doesn't stop, no matter how much you ask. She insists on cooking 3 course meals even though I can't enjoy them with DS around (he's 2, he can't sit for lunch for 1 hour+). She herself does not sit down to eat, she stands over you and watches you as she's too busy apparently. She unpacked all our clothes when we came here and folded them in our wardrobes (which I found really intrusive). And then she has moments of exhaustion where she snaps that we're not grateful enough. But will not let us cook, do laundry, nothing. She gets even angrier if you try.

I'm at.a total loss. It's ruining what should be a really nice time. I can't tell if it's anxiety, or just a horrible temper that has gotten worse.

My brother lives half an hour away and has visited once in 6 months. I now understand why.

One day she wont be here and you will regret writting stuff like this and one day you will be 60 and know how it feels

Ugh, this is thrown at anyone who has any problem with an older relative. All people will not be here one day, some of those people are aggressive and unpleasant. I think OP is likely to be glad that she wrote this, and got help building a healthier relationship rather than letting herself and her son be treated badly.

How manipulative.

I am 60 and old, and i wouldn't tolerate this bullshit from anyone and I had a decade long brutal menopause when HRT was firmly linked to breast cancer so i wouldn't touch it.

I'm sure I had my moments too but what the OP is writing is ridiculous.

Just stop. Seriously.

It's a well known fact menopausal symptoms can last way beyound 60 & some women are never totally symptom free. Cut her some slack.

It sounds as if your mum has experienced a lot of change in a short space of time: loss of identity as a successful business woman (even if chosen it takes adjustment & it sounds as if she felt unable to continue rather than simply wanted to stop), sudden excess leisure time to fill, more time with your dad, your family returning from abroad & being in close regular contact, becoming a hands-on grandma & finding that isn't working so well... Many people who are emotionally stable with secure self esteem would find this a difficult transition and you indicate your mum might be anxious, perfectionist & reliant on doing and achieving in order to feel good about herself. So it's not surprising she's struggling. Frustrating as her behaviour is, I wouldn't assume this is necessarily what things are going to carry on looking like. It's a tough transition for you all to navigate and you need to enforce some boundaries with her but could you also take some of the pressure off by suggesting easy things you and she could do together that you would both enjoy? You both seem to have high expectations of this 'quality time' so you clearly both want it to work.

Only read the first page, but thought I would give you my input since I am 60 & old enough to be your mother 😂. Menopause is difficult, but what it did to me is that it triggered an auto immune disease. I was still having periods but felt so unwell only on blood tests was it picked up I was menopausal. Started HRT felt better hormone related ‘anxiety’ is something not in your head but psychological release of adrenaline that you cannot control, but 50 x times a day. Knackering. Ask her to see her GP so that they can check her hormone levels but also check nothing else going on. You also need to have an adult to adult conversation like the one I had with my mom today who is in her 80’s she was in a bad mood yesterday as she is selling her house & anxious but needs to keep it in check as no one will be around her to help as she is pissing everyone off. Hope that helps.

It's her responsibility to get HRT then, it have the self-awareness at least not to make her own daughter miserable.

Move further away. Have less contact. This is the only solution I'm afraid, as you can't change her you can only change how you react to her.

Team mum here. She seems to be trapped in an entirely domestic world of cooking and cleaning and bending over backwards to serve the OP and family. There seems to be no sense of her at all as a person. What are her interests, what does she do for fun? Because it seems to me she is not having any fun at all, she is just trapped in a world of domesticity. I’d say it’s time for mum to discover herself, make some friends, go to an art group, get out for a coffee or do some exercise. She seems to be completely sacrificing her own personality for her family and they are paying her back with a load of hatred. YOLO mum! Get out there and do something for yourself.

@TheOutlier - You need to re-read the information given.

She just doesn't stop, no matter how much you ask. She insists on cooking 3 course meals even though I can't enjoy them with DS around (he's 2, he can't sit for lunch for 1 hour+). She herself does not sit down to eat, she stands over you and watches you as she's too busy apparently. She unpacked all our clothes when we came here and folded them in our wardrobes (which I found really intrusive). And then she has moments of exhaustion where she snaps that we're not grateful enough. But will not let us cook, do laundry, nothing. She gets even angrier if you try.

I have (asked about her health), she says this is what she was always like and I need to accept it.

She literally went in and started doing it. I can't relay how stubborn she is.

My dad literally does NOTHING ever and he defends her 100% of the time so he can keep doing nothing.

(on being asked to say to her it is exhausting watching this and upsetting and she wants her to stop) I have told her all this. She told me I'm ridiculous, that this is how she is and end of it.

OPs mother is doing this to herself and the father is cheering her on to make his life easy. OP is in no way to blame for this, given the information we have, she is actively opposed to her mother making "sacrifices" OP doesn't want and has expressed this to no avail.

Maybe the mother needs a physical check up, maybe she needs therapy, maybe this is just who she is but no, she's not in any way trapped by the OP and the family in general - only by herself, her own choices and probably her lazy husband.

I'm in my fifties and have several siblings in their early to mid sixties. DH is approaching sixty. They might have slowed down a little, but are the same people they've always been. Sixty isn't old.
She's either who she's always been (and you didn't see it clearly), or she needs to see a doctor.

I'd tell her to chill out and not fuss so much. And to get a hobby. Even if it caused a scene. I used to be able to say such things to my DM, she might get upset but would actually take it on board.

I had a go at her when she said she had no time to do her colouring books or knitting because she was doing so much for me, when I hadn't asked her to do any of those chores and they would get done without her, and she was martyring herself and making those choices of how to spend her time.

I would call her and ask for a chat, 1-2-1 just the two of you. I would then be incredibly honest and repeat what you’ve essentially said on here. Concerned for her, but also wanting to raise it now as you’re orherwie concerned your relationship could be impacted if you don’t jointly address it. Position it coming from a place of compassion, not attacking (otherwise she will feel backed into a corner). Therefore when she reacts remain calm.

Then it’s on her after that to either change her behaviour or not. She was warned.

I’m sorry that you’re going through this. My parents (Dad now dead) and Mum were the same. It is classic narc behaviour and he’s enabling it (has crossed a line into ‘having a word’ with you to keep his life like it is!). Long story of this type of behaviour from my parents and now n/c with my mother (there’s a lot more to it, but the behaviour gor worse).

You have to set firm boundaries. Start with not letting her cross personal space boundaries (putting all your clothes away is a good example). Tell her you don’t want to eat three course meals and that a snack lunch is fine (sandwich, soup, salad etc). It sounds like your Dad doesn’t do a lot land rather than tell him to pull his with she gets angry. It’ll be amplified as she is recently retired and forced into being at home all the time. I agree a health check for her - hormones, thyroid etc would be good.

Could someone else look after your son so you could take her out and try to have a chat about your concerns about her wellbeing. Then once that’s done (so you’ve done the right thing) you can double down to the boundaries (tell her in animple terms what they are eg ‘please don’t speak to me like that’, ‘I prefer to organise my own clothes’, ‘I don’t want a starter and a pudding thank you’) and consistently walk away every single time she crosses them. It’s hard but necessary for your own well being and that of your son who is witnessing her behaviour.

Oh, and stop calling it quality time - an awful and in this case, meaningless trope! Indeed, consciously think about the time you’ll spend with her on your terms and stick to it. Eg see her for coffee or tea out ir trip to the park with your son. - not the whole day. Meeting on neutral ground is a good tip - harder for her to be at her absolute worst in public!

Regarding your Dad, if he tries to come as your Mum’s messenger again stop him and suggest that the conversation is better coming directly from your mother and don’t continue with it.

Finally, you said you would have gone straight to London. Is that still an option? Think carefully where you are going to live going forward to avoid too much ‘popping round’ (and interfering) in their part!

I do wish you all the best. Look after yourself.

Sorry - meat to say pull his weight (re your father)

OP you have already tried chatting to her, tried to tell her you don't want her doing this and her response has been to ignore you, double down and become angrier.

If she won't go for a check up or speak to a psychologist about any possible issues, there is nothing more to be done.

You can't change her, only how you react to her. So limit your time, move away, have as little or as much to do with her as you choose.

And definitely don't let her abuse you over your choices. If you gently and briefly make it clear to her that you are avoiding her because of her unbearable behaviour that might be the push she needs to look for help.

If not, you've made your own life a whole lot nicer regardless.

Look up grey rocking too.

Just a thought… I was on oral progesterone HRT and became an absolute monster. I only realised when I had a forced break from it due to supply issues - as soon as I started the tablets again, I could feel the rage building. I switched to the Mirena coil and have been fine since. So worth considering if your mum is on HRT (and if she isn’t, maybe worth her trying it to balance out her hormones).

Why does she have a key to your house? She shouldn't be able to come in and start putting clothes away or anything else.

I think you have a problem with boundaries and need to explain that it's your home and she only comes in when invited and you cook your own meals etc.

Have you ever gone absolutely nuclear at her?
Spoken to her in the same tone and language that she has used at you since childhood?
You aren’t some little group of Dance Monkeys there for her Greatest Granma show, so she needs to have some respect for you and your family.

If she is prepared to give all that, she needs to be really prepared to take it. And the coverall excuse “I’m just like that” can get in the fucking bin. If she had a successful business she was perfectly capable of sucking up to customers and all sorts of people. She does actually know how to behave, she just doesn’t think you are worth it.

OP's mother sounds very taxing but anyone "enquiring into my HRT dosage" because they didn't like my manner would get short shrift from me.

Oh dear. There’s always at least one who trots out this utter guff.
There we are then.

First I’ve heard that menopause can go on that long. I dont think it’s that, myself.

When you buy/rent your next house, make sure it’s further away