AIBU to find my mum increasingly difficult since her retirement?

[HeatwaveToddlerMum334222]

Anyone else's mum unbearable as she gets older?

My mum is 60 this year, menopause already over. We (me and DS, and DH ocasionally) are spending some "quality" time with my parents at the moment (we have recently moved back to the UK after years spent in Asia, although we did see them a lot but it was always on holiday) and wow, she is genuinely so, so angry. She's recently retired, in good health, zero financial worries. Her life is genuinely perfect right now. The smallest thing will trigger her. Mostly housework/laundry/cleaning related. But traffic can be a trigger too. Every day is dictated by her moods. If she's happy, we're all happy. If one of us does something to piss her off or something goes mildly wrong, God help everyone. Everything must be perfect. It then triggers my dad, who will try to keep the peace but eventually blows up (usually at someone else, not her).

She's always been a bit like this, I definitely remember her being moody when I was growing up. But she had a full time job, children to raise etc. She was just a normal, slightly stressed mum.

She does do A LOT. She just doesn't stop, no matter how much you ask. She insists on cooking 3 course meals even though I can't enjoy them with DS around (he's 2, he can't sit for lunch for 1 hour+). She herself does not sit down to eat, she stands over you and watches you as she's too busy apparently. She unpacked all our clothes when we came here and folded them in our wardrobes (which I found really intrusive). And then she has moments of exhaustion where she snaps that we're not grateful enough. But will not let us cook, do laundry, nothing. She gets even angrier if you try.

I'm at.a total loss. It's ruining what should be a really nice time. I can't tell if it's anxiety, or just a horrible temper that has gotten worse.

My brother lives half an hour away and has visited once in 6 months. I now understand why.

I haven't read the full thread but I wondered if she has some form of OCD which has got out of control since she found herself with more time on her hands?

It struck me that she is driven to do these things and can't help herself. She may not want to, hence getting angry and overwhelmed at times when she can't quite have it all 'perfect' so she can relax. Just a thought.

Get her vitamin D levels checked. My mother went completely doolally when hers were really low. Complete lack of logic or reason and HUGE blowups over invented or trivial things. Was about to go completely non contact but thankfully her doctor realised, put her on supplementary vitamin D and she's back to normal now.

The thing is though, menopause hits some women like a brick and it’s never « over » as such! The « castration » of hormones is permanent!

The fatigue can be so profound and it’s difficult to describe; likes it’s in your bones. Unless you have experienced it, it’s really hard to explain.

Your mum sounds like she needs a project outside of the home Op! And you all as a family sound like you need some fun! Invite your mum out with your dc rather than focusing your activities on their home.

Wheh she gets angry you could try saying to her gently; « mum, I love you, but you seem very angry, it’s time to let go of the three meals a day and do something for you! »

I’m 59 in September and I hope I’m never like that. I do remember blowing up sometimes when my kids were young when overwhelmed which must have been upsetting for them, but actually now I’m much calmer despite still working full time because I don’t have so much on my plate. She has even less but it sounds like your DF is a major issue here - despite martyring herself by cooking 3 course meals etc he is sitting back and doing nothing and I bet has always sat back and done nothing and she is raging after 30-40 years of it.

Definitely make sure she cannot let herself into your house to start doing unwelcome jobs there again & speak to your father about stepping up. She probably won’t let him but he should at least try.

I feel for you. I also have an element of sympathy for your mother. She might be an overbearing woman who needs to be in control, maybe missing running her successful business so now running the home like an organisation. You say you lived abroad for a long time so maybe she missed her daughter and her grandchild more than you realise. Sometimes we try so hard to make things perfect that we make them unbearable. Becoming a grandmother can sometimes be overwhelming and I know from experience that it can be heartbreaking if you don’t have as much contact as you would like. Your brother stays away ( not sure if he has children) so maybe you returning had made her think she would have this fabulous bond with you and your child ( not realistic but sort of understandable). The menopause is a bitch but I’m not excusing your mother’s behaviour. Maybe when you move to London you can establish an easier way of being together? I hope you can find a way to navigate the next few months and maintain some sort of relationship. Maybe when your child is more used to her she will relax a bit and realise three course dinners aren’t necessary! Good luck.

Gosh, how misogynistic. Are women only a combination of hormones? Whether or not she is on HRT is entirely HER OWN BUSINESS. Seems to me like the OP is trying to control her.

Don’t like your mum doing a ton of free domestic chores for you? Move away. Take control of your own life. If the stay is only brief, as you say, go for some days out and make quality time with the family. The humdrum domestic world you are all stuck in sounds stifling for everyone. Try getting out of the house! Maybe do something nice for your mum for a change.

She folded clothes in the wardrobe? The monster! Does anyone in either household read a book, watch the news or talk about anything other than domestic stuff? It doesn’t seem like it.

So pleased to see a non mental health professional actually refraining from offering an armchair psychiatric diagnosis'. World Narcissism expert Prof. Sam Vaknin puts actual narcs at just c. 2-3 % of the overall population. Yet nowadays, everyone's annoying family member is automatically a narc. 😂

OP, it sounds as if, without the distractions of work and other requirements, her underlying traits are coming to the fore. It’s a hard transition and I think a lot of people struggle with it- it sounds lovely not to work but in reality, work supports us in a lot of ways which may not be so obvious day to day but are missed when they are gone - a sense of purpose and accomplishment, a structure to the day and week, social contact, etc etc. Having said that, there’s no excuse for bad behaviour, and 60 is not elderly!

You do need to do something, your two year old is being subjected to her moods and they will be picking up on this.

Use your child as an excuse- any tantrums and you will be removing your child and yourself from the house.

Do NOT let your child become another victim of her temper!

You’re not in the same house. So you don’t have to let her in. Surely you just say: “Thank you, mum, for all the cooking and shopping but we are trying to eat smaller meals these days. We appreciate everything you have done but we do need a bit of downtime ourselves.” Then limit the times you see her. To go on MumsNet and trash the reputation of someone who is kindly doing so much for you seems like the sort of thing a narcissist might do! Is mum doing all the washing while you are putting your feet up and posting about this?

She's a control freak and doesn't know when to back off and retreat. Your brother has got her sussed. Have a few words with her and start having a life of your own and only spending a few hours with her until she gets the message,

Yes op its hard. We have years of it. Retirement didnt bring it on was always like that

But she is choosing to do this! The OP literally asked her to stop doing so much, and mum called her "ridiculous",

Some people are driven by their own internal scripts to behave like martyrs and then resent those around them. Its sad for them, but it's also shit for those around them, because you can't make them stop.

Just to say I could have written this post. I have no advice as am also at a loss. Its a nightmare. My Dad also appeases and I feel like its slowly killing him... not to be dramatic or anything. Mum has always been like this to some extent but its got so much worse. Health issues have kicked in and its almost impossible to stay with her.

OP can assert herself. Say “thank you, that’s enough.” She is meant to be having a happy family time after returning to this country for work. It seems like she is making this a bigger deal than it needs to be. Lay down some boundaries. Shut the door.

I think it's ok to articulate your needs and try to find a compromise. And no, "that's just me and you'll have to accept it" doesn't count. Because then I'd reply "well I'm me, and I'm afraid I can only manage to accept it and bite my tongue for one hour a fortnight, so that will have to be the compromise and we'll see much less of each other".

I'd tell her you love her very much but you need space, OP. And that's not about her behaviour necessarily, it's also about your personality type and how the two of you gel together. I love my mother dearly, but we are very different personalities and so over the years have had to balance that so that we manage to spend quality time together without either of us getting frazzled.

How about a bunch of flowers or a box of chocolates to say “thank you mum” for all the work? Then say she has done quite enough and encourage her to start living a life of her own. Stop using her.

I didn’t get any impression that the OP was using her DM. She expressly stated that she doesn’t want all the DMs ‘help’, it’s intrusive but the DM won’t stop.

I think the mother probably means well but is stuck in martyrdom

'It seems like she is making this a bigger deal than it needs to be. Lay down some boundaries. Shut the door.'

Well if only it were that easy! OP has likely been well trained by her mother to NOT set boundaries or put her foot down. My mother is a lot like this, and I was well trained from a young age to consider her needs above my own. It's far from easy to just shake off a lifetime of conditioning when you become an adult.

As OP says, she knows that she needs to change how she relates to her mother, but it's very sad and very painful. She has tried to gently confront her mother, and she was shut down and dismissed. None of this stuff is easy

Poor mum! Blamed for everything including her daughter’s lack of agency over her own life.

When my mum retired she got a bit nuts. Not like this, but she cleaned obsessively and would just appear in my house scrubbing something. In the end me and my siblings sat her down and said this isn’t working you’re actually being a bit crazy. Now she runs a small cleaning business working 3 days and week and it’s done her a world of good. Added bonus is I get a cleaner for cheap. I don’t know if something like this would work for your mum but it did wonders for ours.

There are no boundaries! You need to put some in place. Quality time doesn’t mean ALL the time. A couple of hours two or three times a week.
stand up for yourself. Speak up. And take some control here. It’s getting out of hand.
the sooner you move away and gave space between you the better. And don’t let her bully you.

This is a very good point. It's in the same vein as when violent men claim they only punched a woman because they just "snapped" and yet they never just "snap" at the coffee shop, the local supermarket or during a church ceremony. They can absolutely hold their temper if they choose to, but wait till it's safe for them to attack her.

Yes, obviously OPs mother is not as dangerous or wicked as a wife beater - but the principle is the same.

The OPs mother can behave herself, and is choosing not to, she would not behave like this in a professional setting. She just feels safe being abusive in her own environment.

And it's also a horrible example to allow the OPs mother to set around OPs child, another good reason to go low contact imo.

I’m going to be 60 in a few months and I’m bloody lovely. All the time. HTH.

Teenagers behave weirdly when their hormones are off too. I think she needs to see a good HRT specialist. Sounds as though she’s suffering. Check her blood pressure too. I hope she’s not struggling with her health without sharing her stress.