AIBU to find my mum increasingly difficult since her retirement?

[HeatwaveToddlerMum334222]

Anyone else's mum unbearable as she gets older?

My mum is 60 this year, menopause already over. We (me and DS, and DH ocasionally) are spending some "quality" time with my parents at the moment (we have recently moved back to the UK after years spent in Asia, although we did see them a lot but it was always on holiday) and wow, she is genuinely so, so angry. She's recently retired, in good health, zero financial worries. Her life is genuinely perfect right now. The smallest thing will trigger her. Mostly housework/laundry/cleaning related. But traffic can be a trigger too. Every day is dictated by her moods. If she's happy, we're all happy. If one of us does something to piss her off or something goes mildly wrong, God help everyone. Everything must be perfect. It then triggers my dad, who will try to keep the peace but eventually blows up (usually at someone else, not her).

She's always been a bit like this, I definitely remember her being moody when I was growing up. But she had a full time job, children to raise etc. She was just a normal, slightly stressed mum.

She does do A LOT. She just doesn't stop, no matter how much you ask. She insists on cooking 3 course meals even though I can't enjoy them with DS around (he's 2, he can't sit for lunch for 1 hour+). She herself does not sit down to eat, she stands over you and watches you as she's too busy apparently. She unpacked all our clothes when we came here and folded them in our wardrobes (which I found really intrusive). And then she has moments of exhaustion where she snaps that we're not grateful enough. But will not let us cook, do laundry, nothing. She gets even angrier if you try.

I'm at.a total loss. It's ruining what should be a really nice time. I can't tell if it's anxiety, or just a horrible temper that has gotten worse.

My brother lives half an hour away and has visited once in 6 months. I now understand why.

I’m a few years older than your mother. My adult DC would happily tell me to pack it in if I were behaving like this. They’d be concerned.

Actually, they’d (a) inquire my about my health / HRT dosage; (b) tell me they weren’t eating anything else I cooked; and (c) leave for a hotel or B&B.

Where does your dad fit into all this? You mention ‘parents’.

Are you spending quality time together or have you moved in with her?

Are you living with your parents?, if so I'd plan to move out ASAP. If your not living together I'd cut down your visits, no meals for now! Take a leaf out of your brothers book.

We're not staying with them, we're renting very closeby (which makes the unpacking even more intrusive and pointless as well, it was clothes that I had not intended to unpack until we move into our permanent place in September).

What do you mean by ‘spending quality time’ with her? Have your whole family moved into their home??

I’d be seeing her for actual quality time. Invite her round for lunch and a chat where she doesn’t have to do anything. Go out for a walk and chat, take her shopping.

Your post sounds a bit like you’ve all moved in and she’s stressed by having you there!

See her for regular shortish periods where she doesn’t have to do anything.

I have, she says this is what she was always like and I need to accept it.

I think she has clocked she has really upset me as she is worried we are going to stop visiting (she relayed this to my dad, who had a chat with me).

She's not totally out of character. She is being "her" just a lot, lot worse.

Ah, ignore my post then.

Why was she in your house unpacking? Put the suitcases in your bedroom and close the door. Take her home if she starts!

I’d still focus on doing stuff together out of the house or in your house where you can control it.

No, but we are renting very close by until I start my job in autumn. So we are round each other's houses a lot.

Sounds really exhausting and difficult. From your OP, this isn't a huge change, and she's always been a bit like this, so maybe nothing to do with retirement? She certainly does sound angry, and very controlling, and I wonder if she's very sad underneath it all.

Was it her choice to retire? Is she struggling with not having as much to do as usual, hence the 3 course meals and constantly buzzing around?

Only you know whether you can talk to her about this. My mother is vaguely similar to yours, and any slightly negative comment on her behaviour would be treated as the worst insult ever. If this is the same for you, I think you need to consider how enjoyable this 'quality time' actually is and consider cutting it short

She literally went in and started doing it. I can't relay how stubborn she is.

Easy then. Don’t go to your parents’ house.

Tell them it’s too much for them and you’ll invite them to your place that you’re renting every Sunday for dinner and Wednesday for tea, or something like that. Be clear.

Don’t ask them for anything. No childcare, no housework help, nothing. It’s stressing them. The three course meals are so weird it has to be stress related or something similar.

You are literally describing the actions of a covert narcissist with enabler husband.

If you hadn’t lived abroad this would have blown up sooner but the bad news is, it’s all downhill from here. Narcissism gets worse with age.

I would advise you to keep boundaries using space & time otherwise this will finish your relationship with her.

Very tiring op isnt it. Perhaps just a difficult personality? Mine same.. can see why families dont visit) mine was always like that

Absolutely this.

OP, your update shows she’s already got your dad making sure you don’t reduce your visits into her lair of control.

Well it's not that easy as the whole point was to spend time with them. Otherwise we would have gone straight to London. They were desperate to spend time with DS!! They don't do childcare at all, DS won't settle with them. It's part of the problem, she wants to be a perfect grandma but it's not happening and she's getting v frustrated.

We’re crossing posts, sorry! See above. You have my sympathies, genuinely

Yeah, maybe. My dad literally does NOTHING ever and he defends her 100% of the time so he can keep doing nothing. He speaks of her so adoringly, acts totally useless, and she loves it.

I think I would cut time with them, my mother can be like this. i can only cope seeing her 10-15 days a year at least on the phone I can say I’m busy and run off. 🤣

Very hard to do when you’ve spent a lifetime walking on eggshells and never having the courage to stand up for yourself.

OP mine is of a similar nature. Siblings and I have spent our lives navigating her moods and not wanting to set her off. However we have finally reached a point where we don’t stand for her shit anymore. (probably age related as we’re mid 40s and 50s now). Anyway if she’s rude we tell her, if she makes a cutting remark we pull her up on it. If she goes in a mood we let her stew instead of trying to make it all ok. She’s learning.

Not sure if you can do this but I do think you’ll reach a similar threshold and completely lose your patience with all of her nonsense

Well tell Dad that if it's just her being her then you will just be you and stop visiting so often

No point seeing someone who makes visits so unpleasant. Stick to a once a week phone call.

Don't let her overbearing and controlling ways affect your children.

This behaviour is textbook covert narc mother with enabler dad.

It destroyed my wife’s relationship (and mine) eventually with her parents. We tried everything to do the right thing, keep the peace, hosted them, bought nice presents, took them on holiday. I even found myself apologising to her mum in situations where I did nothing wrong. But the more you give, the worse it gets. It almost destroyed my wife’s MH.

Realize that you’re absolutely powerless to change your mum and your dad will back her till her last breath. You will only ever lose.

The best you can do is keep them at arms length and hope for the best.

Sounds like she puts a lot of pressure on herself to please everyone, but can't really cope with the reality of how much stress it causes her. She might do well from counselling, in order to help her learn how to stop doing this.

She does put so much pressure on herself, 100%. She really cares what everyone thinks of her and she's convinced she must be useful at all times.

Reduce time with them. Short sweet visits and or things outside both your houses like getting a takeaway coffee and going to the playground, softplay etc.

It sounds like she is set in her ways but genuinely fond of you and keen to build a relationship with her grandchild (hence her worry that you will stop visiting). But just has very little idea of how to go about it.

She sounds like she has at least a few grains of self-awareness and understands that she can be 'too much' sometimes. But struggles to tone it down. So that's a good place to start.

I would just accept her as she is and set really firm boundaries around what you're willing to put up with. My DM's a bit bossy (tbf she's the only competent one in our family, the rest of us are a bit hopeless), but she knows this. Sometimes I invite her round specifically to 'organise' me and because there's a project that I can't get motivated to do so need her help and input. She knows I appreciate this aspect of her, just not all the time. Visits tend to last a maximum of 3-4 days (she lives a distance away so they always involve at least an overnight) as that's the maximum agreed time we can put up with each other. And I usually plan a couple of activities out of the house. I let my DM take over 'actively grandparenting' my children during these outings and just enjoy a peaceful coffee in the background. As your DS builds a closer bond with his grandmother, it will be easier for you to do this.

I'd give her some leeway... she's probably been building up you being back in her head for a while, and now it's not panning out exactly to plan so she's got to adapt to the reality, which she'll come to appreciate and enjoy in time.