AIBU to find my mum increasingly difficult since her retirement?

[HeatwaveToddlerMum334222]

Anyone else's mum unbearable as she gets older?

My mum is 60 this year, menopause already over. We (me and DS, and DH ocasionally) are spending some "quality" time with my parents at the moment (we have recently moved back to the UK after years spent in Asia, although we did see them a lot but it was always on holiday) and wow, she is genuinely so, so angry. She's recently retired, in good health, zero financial worries. Her life is genuinely perfect right now. The smallest thing will trigger her. Mostly housework/laundry/cleaning related. But traffic can be a trigger too. Every day is dictated by her moods. If she's happy, we're all happy. If one of us does something to piss her off or something goes mildly wrong, God help everyone. Everything must be perfect. It then triggers my dad, who will try to keep the peace but eventually blows up (usually at someone else, not her).

She's always been a bit like this, I definitely remember her being moody when I was growing up. But she had a full time job, children to raise etc. She was just a normal, slightly stressed mum.

She does do A LOT. She just doesn't stop, no matter how much you ask. She insists on cooking 3 course meals even though I can't enjoy them with DS around (he's 2, he can't sit for lunch for 1 hour+). She herself does not sit down to eat, she stands over you and watches you as she's too busy apparently. She unpacked all our clothes when we came here and folded them in our wardrobes (which I found really intrusive). And then she has moments of exhaustion where she snaps that we're not grateful enough. But will not let us cook, do laundry, nothing. She gets even angrier if you try.

I'm at.a total loss. It's ruining what should be a really nice time. I can't tell if it's anxiety, or just a horrible temper that has gotten worse.

My brother lives half an hour away and has visited once in 6 months. I now understand why.

We have purposely spent a lot of money renting near them for a few months to spend time together.

Right. So. Listen to her.

No thanks to lunch, we will eat here and see you after.

Don't come here mum. I don't want you getting stuck in.

Also ease off generally for a couple of days. Make it clear that youre not going to 'make it worse' by putting her in a position where she can play martyr. Don't be the cause of her busyness!

Exhausting. And shitty.

Send her on a cookery course, give her a puppy or join her @ a Gymn?
There must be something else she can involve herself with?

Thanks for clarifying. Does she have hobbies or do charity work or anything like that with her newly found free time?

I would personally set strict boundaries and limit my time with her whatever the reason for her behaviour.

Is she cooking all your meals? Can't you just tell her that that is going to stop, you will be catering for yourselves from now on?

@HeatwaveToddlerMum334222 Youve mentioned that menopause is over, the thing is menopause is never over, women can deal with the symptoms for the rest of their lives.
It is worth seeing if she could benefit from HRT.

But that doesn't have to be exclusively spent with them.

You sound like you don't like the situation but aren't really interested in doing anything about it.

The choice is yours either don't be a martyr, or a sheep, or a wet dishcloth, or any other applicable description and put some boundaries/distance in place, or put up with it but don't be moaning about it.

But if you don't start to do this you may find yourself guilt-tripped into not moving at all.

My mum is just like this, which is why I don't live near her and have limited the time I spend with her. "It's just the way I am" isn't good enough.

Yes but it’s not working. You have an idea of who your Mum is but the reality is different.

My DM was quite like this and we simply stopped going to her house for meals. It was too stressful, no one enjoyed it and we were never grateful enough for my DM.

She hates that we don’t come for meals but years of her shouting, snapping , stressing and sometimes drinking too much , took a toll and we had enough.

She can still be tricky (78) but if she starts the passive aggressive anger, I just leave. Drama loves an audience !!

You've (rightly) tried a direct request, and she's knocked you back. So you need to set a boundary. Figure out how much / what type of contact feels non-exhausting to you.

It's shit that you're not getting the fairy tale time together that you imagined, when you took the rental. But that ship has sailed. This is now a time for figuring out how to renegotiate the relationship with your parents.

Maybe they will eventually change their behaviour if you set a clear boundaries, no-one here can really say. All you can control is your own actions.

You might need to grieve the relationship you thought you would have with them, before you can find a new one that's workable.

Well the situation will resolve itself in September when we move to London. I absolutely am moaning about it because we spent a lot of money and planned this time to be with them.

I hadn't expected her to be a ball of fucking rage, did I? She's got absolutely no reason to be angry. None. Zero. It's all of her own making.

Yes, I can spend less time with her for the next 2 months. She will notice and the time we do spend with her, will be absolutely foul because of it.

So I can't win and it makes me quite dissapointed with her.

And you are all miserable. Something is going to have to change, OP. Sticking doggedly to your plan is unlikely to work.

My 'fury knob' got turned up to 11 on certain types of HRT- not sure how my husband survived, so I went without for a few years and I'm not sure how I survive because thats when the undiagnosed ADHD/ASD went off the scale and I ended up diagnosed.
Tried different HRT regime- much better, but still neuro- divergent 😡

Except you can win by doing as @Wagyuestated - it’ll be hard at first but then she’ll know your boundaries & adapt accordingly.

Op, im the exact same age as your mum. And im sorry, she sounds like one almighty pain in the arse. You need to limit your exposure to her. She'll never change, especially with your dad keeping her on a pedestal. You probably forgot how bad she is when you were living abroad. Don't make excuses for her, just slowly learn to keep your distance from the both of them.

Im sorry, you have my sympathies

MIL was like this, would cook massive meals and stand over you filling up your plate and get upset if you didn’t eat everything on your plate to the point I ended up putting on half a stone in a short space of time, would be constantly doing something and complaining about something, it was exhausting, you couldn’t say anything to her because then you’d be ‘picking on her’ - it was unbearable and it meant we pulled back from seeing them, which was the opposite of what they wanted but you have to put boundaries in. When we were eating if she started with her ‘why haven’t you eaten all of your macaroni cheese??? Don’t you like it?? I made it especially for you’ we’d have to be quite blunt and say stop monitoring what I’m eating, I’m full, I’ve eaten enough, and if she got upset we’d just let her. It’s like training a toddler, they have to learn they won’t get their own way all of the time.

My DSis does this with our grumpy dad. "Dad, that was rude/annoying. Stop." To be fair, he does. I was really impressed the first time I heard her. My mum's never got to that stage with him.

As a 62-year-old retired person, I suggest this is neither an age thing nor a retirement thing. It is a her thing.

No idea how you handle it….. but if you were thinking you just have to accept it because she’s 60 or because she’s retired - no, you don’t.

At the same time, you can’t control or dictate how other people behave or whether they work on their issues. All you can do is decide on, and then hold, your own boundaries. And do your own inner work, of course. That in itself can help enormously to reduce the extent to which you get triggered by other people’s behaviour.

My mum is like this and my sister can be to an extent. I definitely gave a touch of it in me but have done a lot of therapy to try and rein it in.

The only solution I’ve found is limiting time spent with my mum which is easier said than done when you’re living round the corner. I’m also really explicit about my boundaries “I don’t want to do that so I won’t be”, “I’m not discussing that with you”, etc. If all else fails, I find an excuse to leave and calm down or to have a break when we’re staying nearby.

I would love to have a warm, friendly mum like others but that wasn’t the cards I got dealt so you’ve got to just try and work with what you’ve got.

Tell her that she is the ridiculous one and she needs to stop herself behaving like this or get help, or she will end up even more angry and lonely, because there is only so much of her unsettling behaviour that her family can take if she won’t accept she has a problem regulating her emotions.

Be round each other's houses less. Just sounds like you're seeing too much of each other. You both need some distance.

You planned and are paying for abc scenario; now that you’re in situ you’re getting xyz scenario.

Be nimble and adjust your plans. Leave for London sooner. Spend more time out and about on day trips. Stay in your rental 6 days out of 7. Go on holiday. Go and visit friends. Don’t go to her house more than once every ten days.

Why would you continue with a plan that clearly is transpiring not to be any good for anyone? What’s the point?

Martyrdom. Just now unmasked with her unstructured time and “roles” removed. If it carries on, put some boundaries in. She’s 60, not 80.

'So I can't win and it makes me quite dissapointed with her'

Totally understandable. It's so painful having a mother like this. However, I think this might be a case of choose your hard. It's hard being around her so much, and it's hard seeing less of her because then she's angry when you do see her. Which option brings you more peace and more control? There's no way to 'win' as such, and that's really shit, but you can decide how you manage her

But you don't have to put up with it. If she is difficult and unpleasant you don't have to be around her. Your dad will do anything to please her and for an easy life but you don't have to do what they say.

You are an adult and she and your father can't expect to tell you off like a naughty child and for you to immediately do as you are told.

Your brother has the right idea. Be more like him. If she hardly ever sees you, she only has herself to blame.