AIBU to find my mum increasingly difficult since her retirement?

[HeatwaveToddlerMum334222]

Anyone else's mum unbearable as she gets older?

My mum is 60 this year, menopause already over. We (me and DS, and DH ocasionally) are spending some "quality" time with my parents at the moment (we have recently moved back to the UK after years spent in Asia, although we did see them a lot but it was always on holiday) and wow, she is genuinely so, so angry. She's recently retired, in good health, zero financial worries. Her life is genuinely perfect right now. The smallest thing will trigger her. Mostly housework/laundry/cleaning related. But traffic can be a trigger too. Every day is dictated by her moods. If she's happy, we're all happy. If one of us does something to piss her off or something goes mildly wrong, God help everyone. Everything must be perfect. It then triggers my dad, who will try to keep the peace but eventually blows up (usually at someone else, not her).

She's always been a bit like this, I definitely remember her being moody when I was growing up. But she had a full time job, children to raise etc. She was just a normal, slightly stressed mum.

She does do A LOT. She just doesn't stop, no matter how much you ask. She insists on cooking 3 course meals even though I can't enjoy them with DS around (he's 2, he can't sit for lunch for 1 hour+). She herself does not sit down to eat, she stands over you and watches you as she's too busy apparently. She unpacked all our clothes when we came here and folded them in our wardrobes (which I found really intrusive). And then she has moments of exhaustion where she snaps that we're not grateful enough. But will not let us cook, do laundry, nothing. She gets even angrier if you try.

I'm at.a total loss. It's ruining what should be a really nice time. I can't tell if it's anxiety, or just a horrible temper that has gotten worse.

My brother lives half an hour away and has visited once in 6 months. I now understand why.

Frankly, you sound as bad as you portray her to be. An angry martyr, moaning about a situation you absolutely can take control over and change; by properly discussing her behaviour with her and how it makes everyone miserable/demanding change/setting a boundary - and if she won't listen - limiting contact.

Thanks all. I just needed a moan after a particularly bad morning with her.

I know what I need to do, I'm just sad.

She bounds like a covert narc - they’re beyond exhausting

Have you asked her straight why she is so angry?

always on the go and anger moments could be thyroid related

I'm not going to armchair diagnose your mother as a narc or whatever, but she's clearly an absolutely massive martyr. And gently, OP, you sound like you have martyrish tendencies going on a bit too, although not the anger issues. Try and guard against those for the sake of your family, in terms of how you deal with your mother's behaviour.

if it is menopause, its not her own making, but even so I think she is an adult and is capable of understanding the consequences of her behaviour.

If it's at all possible I would bring the London move forward. I would just tell her you need to move to London sooner than planned or spent the next few month traveling as much as possible. You can spent the next few years building healthy boundaries from London. Right now, you either suck it up or get away. Trying to get boundaries in place when you are this close is bound to backfire.

im almost your mum’s age - I’m 60 next year - and I wonder does she suffer from depression? I think you honestly need to sit down and talk to her about how things are making you feel, just the two of you, because that’s the only way she will really understand. I would also stop going for meals, I have young grandchildren and I know a 3 course meal don’t mix, it’s hard enough getting them to sit down for some food at all! Your dad sounds like he may be appeasing her which isn’t nice for him, my own parents were a bit like this and my poor dad passed at 65 after just retiring and I now feel he wasted a lot of years being unhappy. I really think now is the time to get all of this out in the open, your brother obviously feels the same. Maybe he would talk with you but she may find that confrontational. Good luck !

Gosh. We had the same parents.

I feel sorry for your poor mum. In her mind she has to do everything to show she cares and she is probably aware that youre not particularly happy.

Maybe you could arrange some fabulous but easy outings. To stately homes or to swimming pools where she could watch you and DS swimming.
It can be difficult for your mum because your son is only 2 yrs and not used to her.
How about suggesting an afternoon with you and your little one at a soft play centre.
She can watch and have a coffee while you do everything for your son.
I guess I'm trying to suggest you make her part of your team.
But you do all the necessary things for your son while she relaxes and enjoys the environment.
This time with you is probably incredibly important to her.

This doesn't sound like it's something to do with your mums retirement or her age. It sounds more like she has serious undiagnosed mental health issues of an OCD nature.

Sounds like she has lifelong ADHD.

'I know what I need to do, I'm just sad.'

I get it OP. It's really sad - sad for her and sad for you ❤️

This is her personality, we don't change them with age generally. She's still quite young as a retiree and has a lot to give.

Who retires at 60 these days?

I have a friend who had just retired in his 40s!

3 out of 4 couples in our friendship group. Gets to a point where you lose friends and family who haven't even been able to retire and you start to re evaluate everything.

could she feel bored and lacking a sense of purpose- did she have a demanding job before she retired?
the only thing that might help you is to expect the grumpiness, count the days until September and try and see a herva bit less! Maybe she’ll find a good way to spend her time now she’s not working and become easier to deal with

I agree ☝️
I recognise my mum in your description OP,
as she got older and more and more stressed and anxious. Underlying the stress (especially since this should have reduced now she’s retired) could be adhd mixed with ocd or anxiety
so many posts here seem to think she can just stop and behave differently, but I’d bet there is a physical side to this which is blood pressure / insulin resistance / thyroid or something

This ^
in a way it’s an age thing for both of you. I suspect that she was the same 25 years ago ( my mum was) however work and children were her excuses for being stressed. As to you - you were a child then now you are a parent yourself so see things differently.
Think about boundaries, lower your expectations and yes to short and sweet meet ups.

I actually think it is your dad who is the problem. Mum is utterly frustrated at how useless and lazy he is, and takes it out on everyone else, except him. She has spent her whole married life waiting on him hand and foot. She sounds like she needs to be on HRT as well. Now her Estrogen levels have dropped, her mouth will be on fire.

That sounds a bit fucked up in itself, though. You've put yourself through the upheaval of another move just so you can spend time with them? dAre you sure you weren't subconsciously pressured into that?

Rage can be undiagnosed depression.

Lots of my friends in their 60's found magnesium bisglycerate, helped with sleep, as did Ashwagandha for stress.
A good B vitamin complex can help the nervous system.

If she has always been like this, then covert narcissisim is worth looking at.

You may have spent a lot of money but perhaps taking a holiday to break it up, on your own would be worth it.

Anyone who wants to and can afford to,

Sounds like she's spent her life trying to be productive in her work life, and at home as well (not allowing your dad to lift a finger) and now in retirement is just carrying that on, only the efforts to be productive have been replaced by trying to hold herself to the high standards she perceives to be necessary to carry out the perfect mother role, the perfect grandmother role, the perfect wife role. It must be exhausting to be on the receiving end.

I imagine her as a kind of Dobby character, punching herself on the the forehead if she thinks she's not being the perfect "house elf".