AIBU to find my mum increasingly difficult since her retirement?

[HeatwaveToddlerMum334222]

Anyone else's mum unbearable as she gets older?

My mum is 60 this year, menopause already over. We (me and DS, and DH ocasionally) are spending some "quality" time with my parents at the moment (we have recently moved back to the UK after years spent in Asia, although we did see them a lot but it was always on holiday) and wow, she is genuinely so, so angry. She's recently retired, in good health, zero financial worries. Her life is genuinely perfect right now. The smallest thing will trigger her. Mostly housework/laundry/cleaning related. But traffic can be a trigger too. Every day is dictated by her moods. If she's happy, we're all happy. If one of us does something to piss her off or something goes mildly wrong, God help everyone. Everything must be perfect. It then triggers my dad, who will try to keep the peace but eventually blows up (usually at someone else, not her).

She's always been a bit like this, I definitely remember her being moody when I was growing up. But she had a full time job, children to raise etc. She was just a normal, slightly stressed mum.

She does do A LOT. She just doesn't stop, no matter how much you ask. She insists on cooking 3 course meals even though I can't enjoy them with DS around (he's 2, he can't sit for lunch for 1 hour+). She herself does not sit down to eat, she stands over you and watches you as she's too busy apparently. She unpacked all our clothes when we came here and folded them in our wardrobes (which I found really intrusive). And then she has moments of exhaustion where she snaps that we're not grateful enough. But will not let us cook, do laundry, nothing. She gets even angrier if you try.

I'm at.a total loss. It's ruining what should be a really nice time. I can't tell if it's anxiety, or just a horrible temper that has gotten worse.

My brother lives half an hour away and has visited once in 6 months. I now understand why.

In my experience people do seem to get more 'extreme' in their personality traits as they get older. I appreciate that doesn't help you much but my Mum is definitely a more extreme version of her younger self now she is older.

It is only in the last couple of years that my DM has been able to separate out her value as a person from her 'usefulness' to other people. I think it is ingrained in some people, older women especially (since they've often borne the brunt of caring for their family).

What do you mean ‘she won’t let you cook, do laundry, nothing’?

If she isn’t in your house, she can’t stop you doing any of those things.

I would invite her for set periods, where you’re not doing anything houseworky or see them out of the house.

she's convinced she must be useful at all times.

OMG - this is my mum too. The older she gets (and the less useful in her eyes) the more unbearable she becomes. It's a sort of insecurity that has been hidden through a life of busyness and old age is bringing it all to the surface (or at least that's the case for my mum). I joke with her that I hop she gets hit by a bus while still in good health (but hopefully very old!) because if she is ever seriously incapacitated or needs care she'd honestly rather be dead.

Let’s not heap personality disorder diagnoses on your poor mum. I think she loves you a lot and has probably looked forward to this for ages but is going about it all wrong.
i woods invite her to yours more where she can’t be cooking, go out for a few meals etc. if that fails then tell her she is stressing you out and needs to really chill out as she’s spoiling everything with the high expectations she has for herself. I think she wants it to be perfect instead of trying to relax

Oh god that sounds awful. So you have two parents to deal with not just one, who are impossible to deal with.

I wonder if she's feeling useless and not of value now she has retired,so by keeping busy ,it makes her feel needed and important.
It's hard retiring ,you loose your identity,and have to try to find it in other ways

If her life was 'genuinely perfect right now', she would be so unhappy.

For a start, menopause is never over. Is she on HRT?
Symptoms of menopause can be rage, anxiety, feelings of dread and pointlessness, lack of joy. If she's not on HRT then it could be that this is what's happening to her

I'm so sad that my own mum seemingly had a personality transplant at 50. None of us knew about the symptoms of menopause and I have to confess I judged her. If only she'd got some help

Agree with this. I’m 60+ and on HRT. I’m more mellow now than I was when stressed out of my brain 15 years ago with school kids, full-time work stress, house to organise, that’s for sure.

I’m still working btw, because it suits me. I also have a partner who’s supportive of that and who does a great deal of the housekeeping unlike your dad, OP.

OP, neither her, your father or yourself are interacting normally.

For her to come into your rented home and unpack is so unbelievably fxxked upped is astonishing.

You need to rethink your plans and blow up.

This is a toxic environment and your poor child is being exposed.

Forget your father, he is as bad, probably worse because he has facilitated this.

Your brother is closest to a bit of normality staying away.

Take a complete break.

Your father coming to relay her fears is more fxxked up manipulation.

If you can, bring forward the move to London.
She will not change.

Best case is you can maintain a distant polite relationship where she stays in a hotel for brief visits.

You cannot change this.
Accept it, manage it, move away from it.

Oh and I am 61 and this is not just menopause, which can easily go on til 70.

Menopause can exacerbate personalty traits, shorten tolerance, but doesn't make you a controlling, manipulative narc.

She sounds exhausting!

60 is young to have retired - did she want to retire or did she have no choice? Maybe she's feeling lost without her job.

All women who live long enough go through menopause, and with or without HRT don't behave that way so I wouldn't excuse it due to that. It might possibly be a contributing factor.

I'd keep my distance and reduce time spent at her house. I'd also say to her she can't pop round but is very welcome on pre-arranged visits. Set boundaries.

I wonder if you moving back has destabilised something for her? My mum became quite aggressive towards me when I had my first baby, which I think, looking back, was out of fear of losing her own status as "the mother". So hurtful and confusing, but it helps me to remember it's not really about me. Whatever is going on, it's not your doing. If you can, it might be better to keep your distance a bit and have her visit you instead? I don't now if that would be any better for you but maybe it would.

Maybe it'll calm down. There's only so much unpacking she can do.

And it's ok to say in advance please dont cook a big lunch. Sandwiches are fine. Or take lunch with you.

Can you say to her that you're exhausted just watching her and it's upsetting you that she seems to be doi ng all of this stuff and not just enjoying things. Like if you lived there and were too busy to see her. It cuts both ways.

OP's mum obviously made a decision to retire early as she isn't even 60 yet. I presume that she could have kept working until at least 66 but decided not to.

I don't understand why you can't cook your own meals or do your laundry if you are not living in the same house?

My suggestion is to pull back and mix it up:

Make morning plans that take you out of the immediate vicinity and not around for lunch.

Maybe some days pop round on your own and let your DH have some time with your DC on his own.

You imply that at some point you will be moving elsewhere, so you have a perfect excuse to go away for a couple of days to investigate places you might move to etc.

Or she was maybe made redundant / sacked and it's knocked her confidence. OP hasn't answered the questions about this yet so we can only guess.

These days, that is very young to retire.

She just went in and unpacked your stuff? Tell me she hasn’t got keys?!

She sold a very successful business. She was exhausted and said she couldn't work anymore. It was 100% a choice she had been looking forward and was a few years in the making.

I have told her all this. She told me I'm ridiculous, that this is how she is and end of it.

Bang on about menopause never being over for some women. I am in my 70's and the symptoms have moderated but are now old friends. HRT made my fuse shorter and my reaction more violent so that's a possiblity. I was still me but me with the "fury" knob turned right up. It was my lovely husband who told me that we couldn't go on like it because I had started throwing things. Are you able to talk to her about it?

It's still a huge change for her though, and then you moving back - for a new job I think you said? She could be feeling a bit threatened or undermined - not that you've done anything wrong at all of course.

well I am sorry to suggest this but if that is her reaction then your reaction is "well if that is how you are then i don't want to be around you" She isn't a child who can't regulate their behaviour and she can't just expect to do what she likes and be accepted for it.

I remember my mum being like this. My dad insisted nothing was wrong, she was just a bit tired and stressed at work. When we finally got her to go to the doctor's her blood pressure was sky high. She was much calmer and more relaxed when she was on the right medication.

Take control by not calling to them.

You are a mother yourself and you are behaving as if you are helpless.

They cannot make you call to them.
They cannot force you to eat or go anywhere with them.

You are pandering to her just like your father.

Have the row.
Spell it out.
Take action and step away.

Your mother needs to see you will not tolerate her dysregulation.

She will have to exercise self control or not see much of you.