AIBU to find my mum increasingly difficult since her retirement?

[HeatwaveToddlerMum334222]

Anyone else's mum unbearable as she gets older?

My mum is 60 this year, menopause already over. We (me and DS, and DH ocasionally) are spending some "quality" time with my parents at the moment (we have recently moved back to the UK after years spent in Asia, although we did see them a lot but it was always on holiday) and wow, she is genuinely so, so angry. She's recently retired, in good health, zero financial worries. Her life is genuinely perfect right now. The smallest thing will trigger her. Mostly housework/laundry/cleaning related. But traffic can be a trigger too. Every day is dictated by her moods. If she's happy, we're all happy. If one of us does something to piss her off or something goes mildly wrong, God help everyone. Everything must be perfect. It then triggers my dad, who will try to keep the peace but eventually blows up (usually at someone else, not her).

She's always been a bit like this, I definitely remember her being moody when I was growing up. But she had a full time job, children to raise etc. She was just a normal, slightly stressed mum.

She does do A LOT. She just doesn't stop, no matter how much you ask. She insists on cooking 3 course meals even though I can't enjoy them with DS around (he's 2, he can't sit for lunch for 1 hour+). She herself does not sit down to eat, she stands over you and watches you as she's too busy apparently. She unpacked all our clothes when we came here and folded them in our wardrobes (which I found really intrusive). And then she has moments of exhaustion where she snaps that we're not grateful enough. But will not let us cook, do laundry, nothing. She gets even angrier if you try.

I'm at.a total loss. It's ruining what should be a really nice time. I can't tell if it's anxiety, or just a horrible temper that has gotten worse.

My brother lives half an hour away and has visited once in 6 months. I now understand why.

I would have an honest conversation with her op. Her behaviour is unacceptable and if she continues she will push you away. It sounds as if she’s struggling with retirement; she wouldn’t be the first. She needs to reevaluate her life and take a hard look at what she wants it to look like for the next 25-30
years. At 60 she’s still relatively young. She needs to direct her time into things other than family.

From her perspective, it sounds like she's raised children, worked full time, had a very passive/inactive husband and has just got obsessively into martyrdom habits which she can't drop because it's become her raison d'être. And she's now exhausted, hence angry, with the continued effort as she gets older.
I'm a bit older than her and am sometimes accused by my family of being "too Monica Geller". I then drop it.

I think adult kids usually keep their parents' behaviour in check and you maybe need to take the piss a bit, mildly and kindly but with a sense of humour, and see if she gets it and backs off before it's too late. We all need someone to ground us sometimes.
It sounds hard to watch/live with from both sides.

Just to note, menopause symptoms don't necessarily stop when periods stop. Some symptoms can be extreme irritability and no filter. That might have a part to play.

So stop going round there as much then.

I'm a similar age to your mother, and retired, and this bears no relation to my life. At all. However, it is a truth that "after 3 days, fish and guests stink".... I don't think any of us could happily live with our folks for as long as you are doing. It isn't normal. It's upsetting your mother, and it's upsetting you.
Find somewhere new to live ASAP, and be more like your brother - just see your mum occasionally.

She isn't living there

Sorry, I see that you ARE living elsewhere, OP - so why are you going round so often? Cut down the visits and/or move further away or, better still, just go back home.

She answered this as well! 'See all' on OPs posts will tell you more than the first one

My parents have become like this since retirement. I think it’s the lack of any meaningful structure. They both get out and see people but also spend a lot of time at home in front of GBNews, which just feeds into their anger.

Sounds like My mum a bit, always had a short temper and would blow up, upset everyone, then get annoying when We couldn't move on as quickly as her and accuse us of holding grudges.

She also does that that thing where she does all the cooking at her place etc then gets angry that no-one helped, even when we offered. If one of us is doing something in the kitchen like making a coffee or I'm making something for my 2 year old, she Wont wait she'll just start doing her thing and literally reach over my arms or get annoyed I'm in her space, even if inwas there fjrst and going to me just a few mins. She also does things like get angry if someone is In the bathroom when she's just woken up and wants to use it, but we aren't mind readers knowing when she'll be up! She doesn't sound as extreme as your mum, and I call her out on her behaviour now as she was DREADFUL during menopause, I didn't make the link at the time as I was in my early 20s but I used to despair when I visited her, she was SO angry and volatile and it was stressful to placate her or avoid a blow up. Everything had to be on her terms or it was a catastrophe, and she'd accuse us of ganging up on her if we stood up for ourselves at all.

I can say though that I simply do call her out now and she's improved somewhat, it's taken years however. My sister doesn't have much of a relationship with her which is a shame. I have no fear of standing up for myself as I'm an adult with my own home and my own happiness, my own little family. I don't think she really believes she's ever in thr wrong but she at least holds her tongue when she's on a tirade if I tell her to stop.

Whist you say that ‘her menopause is already over’ this shows a real lack of understanding - the it is not ‘over’ in the way that one’s first period signals puberty or that 12m without a period signals the menopause has happened. The impact of the loss of pre-menopause hormones can be permanent and negatively impactful. Many women never recalibrate to the lowered levels of estrogen etc. Low mood, irritability, anger, anxiety and low self esteem are all symptoms.

As others have said I would sit and have a conversation with her and explore what she wants at this stage of her life and whether she has tried HRT? If you explain that she seems very unhappy, not herself and - from a place of love rather than irritation - you are concerned for her, perhaps you can support her in getting the help she needs and finding a path back to the version of herself that both you and she remember?

Actually op, you sound a bit like your dad.

"can't stop" If she did stop what would be lurking underneath? Feelings.

Slowly, slowly distane yourself.

GB news is the work of the devil.

MIL has similar tendencies, albeit to a lesser extent. I think it's part loneliness due to her life revolving around DP, part feeling like being 'useful' is the only thing she can contribute to the relationship. It's sad because I know that none of it is actually done maliciously. The only way out IMO is for her to build a non-family related social circle, perhaps through volunteering or something similar so she can develop a sense of self beyond the family unit.

Ooh, this is horribly familiar. My mum does everything for everyone, whether they want her to or not, and then is resentful when people are "ungrateful" and "don't appreciate her" but to me, it feels like she's just doing it for herself - like she has an image what she should be doing to qualify as good and kind and altogether marvellous, and how everyone else should act in return. Then when her doing a, b, and c doesn't result in others doing x, y, and z, she blows up (or just sulks).

I have no idea what the answer is!

I absolutely do sympathise, my own mother is a massive martyr and it's incredibly frustrating. She also has main character syndrome which sounds similar.
However, a quick note on menopause...it's not something that is ever 'done' although some of the turbulence may die down for some women. It's a catastrophic hormone deficiency which doesn't suddenly correct itself and at 60 your mum could still be in a very flux state. Please don't underestimate the power of menopause and just how debilitating it can be. Someone like your DM can even find it much worse than others because she will be unwilling to adjust her behaviour/lifestyle and admit she needs to care for herself too.
Good luck OP, I agree with others on here that you need to step back a little and avoid the most difficult situations...suggest activities that are more suited to you and your family and definitely avoid long meals!

We had similar. My mother and father in law decided to move close by. I tried very hard to visit them, invite them to us, find things to go to together. I had hoped for quality time. They could both be a bit difficult after a few days together on holiday (the mask would slip with MIL who would begin making comments about the kids and our parenting. FIL would let his opinions on the world out and show the real him!). When they moved it turned out the mask was permanantly off. Expected everything their way but unpleasant and unkind whilst we were with them. Sulky and rude about us to others when we said no to things. The up shot was a year of very little time spent with them and now we see them about every 3 weeks or so for a few hours. We have decided, given they are now 70, the best thing we can do is see them just enough to be able to keep a relationship but also not too much so that we snap and say something we cant take back. They will never see themselves as in the wrong. Funny thing is when we drank too much with my husbands sister and partner and had a bit of a heart to heart they said exactly the same. So at least we know its not just us 'being over sensitive and not being able to take a joke' which is the narrative they push.

Glad you’ve been able to moan. It sounds a horrible situation, I was going to suggest you move but you’re doing that anyway in Sept.

You cannot change her, you can only change your own behaviour/reaction to her. So you will need to set up very firm boundaries when you do move, I’d make sure there are no spare bedrooms in your new house otherwise she’ll be coming and staying with you!

Ive had personal experience of this situation with my MIL. It took dh years of therapy to beable to put in firm boundires. We spend minimum time with them, and we have learnt to say “no, that doesn’t suit us” to her many requests for our time.

Good luck with it all.

If my mother behaved like this id have no issues telling her she's unpleasant to be around and to leave me alone until she sorts her issues nor would she have any issues telling me the same . Grow a backbone and tell her that her behaviour is making everyone miserable and tell your dad allowing it ans not calling her out helps no one !

Evil evil channel

Maybe this is part of the conversation you need to have with her OP.

I’m sorry, it sucks, it’s really hard and I imagine very far from the summer you were expecting.

@operationplaytime it’s hard to take a step back when this is a parent behaving in this way… but unless you do, nothing will change.

So you either accept that this is the way it is. Or you stop enabling the behaviour.

That won’t feel comfortable. And you may be avoiding the fall out., but you are an adult with agency and you can choose not to visit,
ro cut a visit short, to spell out when something is not acceptable to you. You’re just afraid of her reaction.

Would you let anyone else treat you this way?
I doubt it.

Time to stand up to her…

Has anyone in the family ever said to her ‘you seem really unhappy, what’s making you feel that way?’

I agree with this.

@HeatwaveToddlerMum334222 Has your dm's controlling behaviour escalated a huge amount since last seeing her? Is she on hrt?

Have you tried sitting down with your parents and your db and explaining how she's making you feel? Yes she'll feel cornered and probably go off it and nc. But I bet she'll be back. And hopefully have toned down her behaviour?

You aren't enjoying her company and you don't want her controlling your dc in the future. They'll be staying at hers once older.