AIBU to refuse my daughter’s belongings after she moved to her dad’s?

[Bigglebiggle]

DD13 has been in trouble recently and there has been consequences to her actions which she did not like so has gone to live with her dad. She has not spoke to me in 3 weeks, no doubt because dad has been influencing her. She has messaged me today asking for some stuff from her home and that her dad will bring her to collect it. AIBU saying no as the items belong in our house as I purchased them, and she shouldn't be rewarded for bad behaviour?

I don't comment much - however in your case I am making an exception.

Count up the number of posters telling you that you are wrong and acting manipulative v those who think you are right. Really read what is being said and take it in.

You are wrong, and in addition in the quote above , you are manipulating a ruling in a way to suit you - however it makes no sense. Go on - go to social services or youth worker or similar, tell the full story ( previous issues with your boyfriend etc) and you will see how wrong you are. - but I don't think you want to listen and it is likely that you won't change. It may be best for your daughter to be with your ex husband - I hope they treat her well, as it doest look like you know how to.

@Bigglebiggle I don't understand why you don't want her to have with her the things that clearly bring her comfort?

How petty.

I think you need to separate punishment from basic belongings.

If she’s 13, she’s still a child, and whatever’s gone on recently, she’s entitled to her personal things like clothes, toiletries, school stuff, her phone/charger, books, sentimental bits. That isn’t “rewarding bad behaviour”, it’s just making sure she’s not stuck at her dad’s without essentials.

But anything that’s part of your home like furniture, bedding, décor, bigger items you bought to stay in her room, those stay put. If she’s choosing to live at her dad’s for now, then he needs to provide the actual setup there.

I also wouldn’t get into a power struggle over collecting the items. Let her take what she needs, keep the tone neutral, and don’t rise to whatever narrative her dad is spinning. Kids who run off to the other parent because they don’t like consequences almost always circle back once the dust settles. Because once Dad has to cope with the reality and his patience wears thin, he will stop being the daughter pleaser she knows (anyone can keep it up for a couple of days but not permanently) and try actual parenting, then she may reconsider the move.

Give her the basics, keep the boundaries, and don’t make this the hill you die on. The relationship matters more than the possessions.

Have you been drinking, OP?

I’m just wondering what’s driving these ridiculous statements. You must know how absurd this sounds. They won’t become superglued to her dad’s house just because she takes them now.

If this is down to a night of drinking because you’re upset about the situation, try and calm yourself down. While it may feel cathartic, it’s unlikely to be beneficial in the long run. As a one off, no harm done. But if you’re feeling like this (and drinking because of it) more, you might benefit from seeing your GP.

Don’t be ridiculous and petty. You are the adult, she is the child. You should be facilitating and encouraging an improvement t9 your relationship not giving her more reasons to dislike you.

just imagine yourself standing in front of a judge saying “No, I didn’t let her have her teddy bear because I bought it so it’s a household possession and because she’ll need it here if she ever comes back and I don’t think it’s possible to move a teddy bear from one house to another and then back again.”

If when you imagine that you think ‘God, I look like a right petty prat saying that, the judge won’t agree with me at all’ then you should rethink your approach.

so basically you're still ignoring her about why she doesn't want to live with you.

they might not have given an emergency order but if he has applied for a c100 then you'll have a court date and mediation. has this happened yet? do you have a date for these?

you say that she can do that, maybe she can, maybe she can't but lets face it, things changed after you got engaged. she was fine with the others you married, there is far far more to this than you want to admit it

Oh, come on. This is surely stuff that was given to her, so it belongs to her. Sure, she'll need it when she comes back, but how hard will it be for her to bring it back? Withholding this sounds really petty.

When I left my ex-husband he refused to give me any baby/toddler photos of our children, referring to them as a "joint asset."
They are 16 and 18 now and I still don't have any (asides from some my parents have).
Of all the cruel things he did, that was up there with one of the worst.
Please don't do this to your own daughter, OP.

No, you're imagining that. What they are saying is that OP should not prevent her from having her own belongings. It's not a matter of pandering, it's a matter of acknowledging basic reality.

I’m surprised you made another thread, expecting people to agree with you, especially after your last thread!

Also why ask when you clearly don’t think you are in the wrong?

I feel so sorry for your daughter. Stop acting like a bitch and let your daughter take her belongings. They are hers not yours.

I just don’t understand why you even want her to live with you when you clearly hate her. The details and your attitude here are deeply concerning and I really think it’s a good thing that she’s at her dad’s now.

Oh great, another woman putting a man before her kid. Or a series of men it seems.

Your poor daughter.

YABU @Bigglebiggle. And petty and childish and weird.

Those are your DD's belongings. She owns them, give them to her.

This is heartless OP - teddys are special, even an identical one is not the same and I think you know it. What are you trying to achieve?

Of course you should let her take trinkets and teddies.
But you’re acting with vindictiveness, so…

Having skim read your other thread and seen your persistent stubborness on this thread --may she never return to you. And thankfully she is getting to the age where she can successfully and powerfully advocate for herself.

Just text her that she can have them but they are her responsibility so if they get lost at her dad’s then they are gone.

Well done, OP, you've just handed your ex another strong piece of evidence showing why your daughter should not be made to return to live with you.

In which case she'll bring them back with her.

Only do what you plan if you are prepared for three weeks to turn into 30 years. If you refuse her stuff you'll basically need confirming to her that you're unreasonable and investing uncaring and that she's right to move to her dad's.

I'm amazed that 12% think that you're reasonable. This is one of the most unreasonable (and foolish) decisions that I've seen in AIBU.

The teddies and trinkets can come back with her if/when she comes home, @Bigglebiggle.

Withholding them will do absolutely nothing to mend your relationship with your dd - it will make it worse. You have a choice - give her the teddies and trinkets or be stubborn. What matters more - your relationship with her, or your pride?

Maybe it would help if you thought about it not as giving in to behaviour you consider bad, but as building bridges with your DD in the hopes of improving the relationship so she may consider coming home.

50 odd responses telling you you're being unreasonable and you latch on to the one that agrees with you......

Urgh, its no wonder she's gone to
live with her Dad.

I had a friend who's mother was like you growing up. Always had to win and convinced herself that she was the victim. Even as a child I knew her mom was nasty. My friend hasn't spoken to her mother in twenty years. She didn't see her get married, and has never meet her grandchildren. Welcome to your future.