AIBU to refuse my daughter’s belongings after she moved to her dad’s?

[Bigglebiggle]

DD13 has been in trouble recently and there has been consequences to her actions which she did not like so has gone to live with her dad. She has not spoke to me in 3 weeks, no doubt because dad has been influencing her. She has messaged me today asking for some stuff from her home and that her dad will bring her to collect it. AIBU saying no as the items belong in our house as I purchased them, and she shouldn't be rewarded for bad behaviour?

Teddies and trinkets do not belong to a house! Give over! Let her come and get them.

AIBU saying no as the items belong in our house as I purchased them
The items BELONG to.your daughter. It doesn't matter who purchased them... they are her belongings. Personal belongings like Teddy's and trinkets do not belong to a specific house.

Honestly I'd tell her that she is always free to come back and get anything she needs and that youd love if she stayed for tea or something and you could drop her back to Dads later. Use it as an olive branch to repair your relationship.

[Edited for typo]

Then of course she should have them!

You have a golden opportunity to prove to her you’re not the problem.

But sure, you do you and waste it if you think that’s the better strategy.

Exactly this

Where on earth does victim come into it?

@ALovelyPinkUnicorn
The apple hasn’t fallen far from the tree then has it?

They are her things if you think like this no wonder she has left poor child or acts up

It is about her not you yes she needs them and I cant believe you cant see that

13 is a difficult age @Bigglebiggle . I feel for you, but try and see the bigger picture here. She’s your DD, he’s your ex. She didn’t ask to be part of a broken family. Let her get her things. Don’t use her stuff to punish her. Let her navigate the difficult teenage years (and I had three teenagers during a horrible breakup, so speak from experience) knowing that you are a constant. Two of mine left to live with their dad, they all came back of their own accord. I was constant, their mum. In their thirties now, all close to me, with fragmented relationships with their dad, we don’t know what she did because you haven’t told us, but a mum’s love is unconditional. Yes, of course there must be boundaries. Set them, but don’t isolate her in these difficult years.

Yes op, you are nothing and of no value except making sure your dd has what she wants and demands.
remember she is the victim here, if her wants and demands aren’t immediately met that abuuuuse!

Ouch, this sounds petty and vindictive. You need to be sensible, kind, reasonable and consistent - as hard as it is when they are being rude teenagers.
Always be the adult and the bigger person and love them through it. If you’ve not spoken with her for three weeks that is not good parenting and it’s time you started building bridges - while remaining firm and not letting her use you as a punching bag.

It’s not easy!!

Your DD won’t be like this forever. At some point you and her can be close and have a loving relationship. But not if you do something petty like withhold teddies and trinkets.

I understand you are hurt and frustrated and probably been doing all the hard stuff by yourself. But you need to play the long game here. Let her have the items. Keep in touch with light text messages, funny gifs etc. Think about future you and future her and how you want that to look. I’ve been there. We have come through it and now we have a great relationship.

i suppose a big part of it is why she was in trouble and what for?

If she was cheeky to a teacher and you grounded her for 20 years then I can see why she wanted to be with her dad. It she tried to murder the cat and you turned the tv off an hour early then you’re more justified in this stance.

either way though I do think you’re making a rod for your own back in terms of trying to establish a good relationship going forwards

You're reading a very different thread. She asked for these items. You do get that the OP is meant to be the grown up in this situation right? The 13 year old is being more mature than her own mother.

It's almost unanimous that you need to rethink your stance here. Sometimes winning isn't everything.

Just checking:
She’s a child, yes?
And you’re an adult, yes?
Assuming both of those are true (they’re rhetorical questions btw), then you should act accordingly based on those two facts.

Bad idea. This isn't how you win with teenagers.

This is her trying to demonstrate she's doubling down on her decision to go live with her dad.

Don't sink to tennage levels and go down to her level.

She'll be checking your reaction.

You should do the opposite. "It's great to see you" - "hope it's going wel at your dad's house" - "I miss you but respect your choice".

I'd near ask can you keep a teddy to hug whrn you're really missing her. Soft maniupation. She's 13, you're smarter so be wiser.

You need to play the long, smart game rather than raise the drama.

Dear god let the girl have her GIFTED teddies and trinkets especially if it brings her some comfort in what is likely to be a challenging time. It's not like you're buying her a new iPad or clothing. She's still a child.

OP, she’s 13, and at that age, of course she’s going to play one parent off against the other. Allowing her to have her own possessions is hardly “rewarding bad behaviour”, though. A family member is currently struggling with a similar situation, and it’s easy to see from an outside perspective how the DC are caught in the middle. I think Middlemarch123‘s advice is sound. Don’t alienate your DD - let her know that while you disapprove of her behaviour, you always love her and are always there for her. Sometimes, teenagers need that reassurance.

I agree with almost everyone else - you don't furnish or decorate a house with teddies and trinkets, you give them to people. Withholding them just makes you look petty and vindictive. You need to be a good example of how an adult behaves for your daughter.

I didn’t vote because I thought it very much depends what it is.

The family tv (for example) = YANBU.

But teddies and trinkets? YABU, a lot.

Agree with others, refusing her her teddies is a vile move. I would never do that to my DC! Let her be a child, and you be the adult.

OP, you didn't take onboard any of the responses from your previous thread. The reason she's not speaking to you is because she hates her step dad and you won't listen to her. Now you want to withhold her things as punishment. Why aren't you trying to sort out your relationship with her?

Yeah, I thought I recognised you from a previous thread I’d replied to. She didn’t move out cos consequences, it’s because she doesn’t like your new bloke and she’s had years and years of instability and resident step dads, half and step siblings. Don’t try and paint her as some sort of demanding brat and her dad as unreasonable. She feels safe with him and his wife and all she’s asking for from you are teddies and trinkets and you’re going to punish her by saying no.

I really hope he’s worth it. I really do.

Oh no, is this a mother prioritising dick over her own child?