AIBU to refuse my daughter’s belongings after she moved to her dad’s?

[Bigglebiggle]

DD13 has been in trouble recently and there has been consequences to her actions which she did not like so has gone to live with her dad. She has not spoke to me in 3 weeks, no doubt because dad has been influencing her. She has messaged me today asking for some stuff from her home and that her dad will bring her to collect it. AIBU saying no as the items belong in our house as I purchased them, and she shouldn't be rewarded for bad behaviour?

Hmmmm I think you are minimising tbh. If the C100 has been approved there was evidence of the accusation. She can't have it as she'll need it when she comes back....? Given your attitude, I don't think she will be coming back.

Lets go back to the beginning. What did she do and what was the consequence for her/punishment that started it all?

They are HER belongings whether you purchased or not.

my stepson was in this situation, his mother “kindly” binned everything he owned, it was disgusting behaviour 15 years ago and it would still be today, they were his! It’s absolutely no wonder at all he is no contact with her and hasn’t been in 14years.

if you expect any kind of relationship with her, remember she’s your daughter, influenced by dad or not, keep a relationship with her! Make an effort regardless of what behaviour she’s displaying

@Susan7654
The 13 year old disclosed to her school that she felt unsafe with @Bigglebiggle‘s latest in a series of boyfriends who have lived with them over a number of years.
That’s what started it.

Try to be a grown up and if the stuff was given to her then it’s hers. You’re only going to make matters worse by not giving it to her.

I don't think the courts would look too kindly on you, denying your child her things

He can’t buy them though can he, because she wants the ones that are already hers. I’m sure this is a difficult and emotional time but let her have her things because it’s kind and reasonable to do so.

Not least because if you refuse then he can use that against you to prove that you are the bad person. It may not even be DD asking, could be dad who with them tell her you refused her her belongings.

i hope she talks to you soon - definitely passing on her stuff to her will only encourage her to be I. Touch sooner rather than later

Also it’s unlikely she’ll be back anytime soon if op keeps her daughters things.

Is this for real???? OP your daughter disclosed to school that she felt unsafe with your boyfriend and she got punished for that?
That is so disturbing she had to do that and then got punished.
OP can you clarify?

@Susan7654 It’s all on the OPs original thread - she started a new one leaving out details to get different answers. It has been linked to on this thread but you could find it by searching her username. I very much doubt that OP will return to this thread. She has behaved incredibly badly and isn’t getting the responses she wanted.

Are you clear you understand your child? Do you need any of these activities reframing in your own head before your sense of rightness derails your relationship with your kid? Teens naturally tend to stay up later/sleep later. It's normal, biological. An 11:30 or even maybe 12:00 bedtime Friday and Saturday is not unthinkable. Screens may=socialisation if she is chatting to friends. It's fundamentally no different to when my generation used to talk to our friends on a landline for hours. Think of it like this, an hour speaking on the phone that you might have enjoyed as a teen is the same as two or even three hours of the slower paced messaging that goes on now. If she is active in the day and not fat or behind at school maybe her phone is not such a demon. The truth is that even while on the phone most 13 years olds will watch 4 - 9 hours of TV a day depending on the day. The issue isn't the screen so much as the quality. Can you watch together rather than make it a 'bad' thing? Try and understand her better, try to look for the real problems not the symbols you dislike, and try to fix your relationship because these teen years are the last time you will seriously spend with your kid. 90-95% of all the time you will spend with her is before she is 18. Let that brutal fact guide you.

First post nails it.

They are her things and she should have them. Teddies and trinkets cannot just be replaced. There have sentimental value. Presumably they are gifts she has received or things bought with pocket money, it’s not like the furniture you bought for your house. I think you are doing this to punish her and refusing will be detrimental to your relationship (as well as bring wrong).

I wish my children had taken all their crap with them, including the furnishings etc that they'd trashed!!

Honestly though, I'd be careful. I think you need to be thinking how to repair the rift rather than driving in further wedges. As for how you address the actual visit is up to you. I would probably try to veer on the side of helpful rather than negative.

Be the grown-up.

Wow talk about being petty. I strongly recommend you have a rethink about that because your actions could well make the situtation worse.

Its more spiteful to not let her have her belongings if you read the words they belong to her.
Just because you bought them doesn't mean you can control her with them that's if you want a good relationship in the future she is 13 brace yourself.

Why are people still replying? OP is long gone.

You are being petty and childish