AIBU to refuse my daughter’s belongings after she moved to her dad’s?

[Bigglebiggle]

DD13 has been in trouble recently and there has been consequences to her actions which she did not like so has gone to live with her dad. She has not spoke to me in 3 weeks, no doubt because dad has been influencing her. She has messaged me today asking for some stuff from her home and that her dad will bring her to collect it. AIBU saying no as the items belong in our house as I purchased them, and she shouldn't be rewarded for bad behaviour?

AND what 13 yr old likes to be told about any of these things, its all about being a good stable parent and being lenient in moderation, to me seems like your daughter has had a pretty rough life so far and her dad is trying to make up for it, you should be grateful that she has somewhere to turn...or would you rather she be like you in the future ? asking strangers for help when she could have family support
Let her choose ffs don't drag her through courts
Really got my back up this 1

It sounds like you’ve been hurt. It will escalate things to withhold personal items ..they have no relation to character and behaviour and being vindictive is not behaviour to model to a child …this could be an excuse to see Mum …or a test of whether the door is still open. This child is no one’s enemy

OPs history has shown that she repeatedly chooses new men in her life over her daughter. Not to play arm chair doctor but she seems to be a narcissist. I know that mumsnet has a tendency to overly glorify mums but this seems to be the case that the father is by far the better parent.

Like you care about that.

Give her her little teddies and trinkets, fgs. You've only just begun finding out, are you still going to keep fucking around? How did you come to think parenting is about point scoring and power playing rather than actually being an adult?

If it’s just Teddies and Trinkets then she can easily bring them with her if she comes back. You’ve said they are things that her Dad can easily buy for her but Teddies and trinkets are sentimental items. This sounds really bitter from you. I’d want my child to have their comforts and be glad I could see her briefly to hand them over after not seeing her for 3weeks! I’d let her know she’s always welcome back home but boundaries would always be there out of care for her. Boundaries and Rules does not = withholding her things out of pure spite

WTF have I just read!? Why would you deny your child her teddies?

You don't care about what is best for your DD, you just want to 'win'.

Poor kid.

Thank you. As I suspected context is key.

If DD was an adult and leaving home would she be taking the items with her? If so (and from updates it very much sounds like it) you need to let her have them. Refusing her personal/sentimental items is a sure fire way of alienating her forever

I cannot bear the thought of her asking for teddys and trinkets and you saying no. This, in her teenage way, could well be her trying to open up communication with you and even apologise. When I used to snap at my mum I’d think of any reason to talk to her as the guilt would be eating me up.

I can’t imagine what a 13 year old could do to make you not speak to her for 3 weeks. You’re the adult. She needs you and you are being very very unreasonable. Poor kid.

I thought this was going to be furniture and fittings for her bedroom at your house - say, bedding, her desk, a TV, computer, etc. I could see the argument that they should stay at your house and her dad should fit out her room at his, although I'd personally let her take something like a quilt which may be hard to replace. You may also be thinking that the room could double as a guest room if she's never staying overnight at yours so you want it fully furnished, or that something like a TV might go to a younger sibling's room or in a main room at least for now.

But "teddies and trinkets" you've bought for her over the years? How could those be anything but hers?

I doubt they do, sometimes on the iPad app when I’m trying to scroll down the screen I accidentally hit a poll option and it selects it then you can’t unvote.

Please do let her have them. Don’t you see she is showing she cares about her home with you in spite of everything that has happened. That is why she wants her comforting things from there? How would her father buying new stuff replace what these belongings of hers in your house symbolise to her?

Please do not take this as unkindly meant, but you seem to be too intent on fighting to the death with a young teenager. However difficult she has been that would be a mistake. The more you throw down the gauntlet the more she’ll pick it up.

I thought at first you might have meant she wanted to take items of furniture. There is no reason not to let her take her own teddies and trinkets. Is it that you are so hurt that she has gone, and you want to hold on to them as a part of her?

It is understandable you are upset, but try to stay calm, and loving while making it clear the door is always open for her to come back.

What!!! She’s 13! Do the decent thing let her have her stuff and reconcile.

Absolute twaddle. At 13 her wishes will be respected.

You're self sabotaging here if you want any kind of relationship with your daughter later on.

She's already left your home because she's afraid of your partner.

Now you won't let her have the comfort of her things like her teddy bears and some jewelry.

That shit isn't yours. Be as petty as you want because she doesn't like your live in, it won't change anything. The only thing she'll learn is you're a petty ass bitch.

You're the poster whose teenage daughter doesn't want to live with her fiance and has told her dad and the school about it, right? You've had several threads, and I can say with confidence, whatever your instinct is, you should do the opposite of that.

There may be more than one reason your DD doesn't like your fiance.

She has said she is scared of him, and that may well be true.

It could also be that your previous boyfriends were just that, boyfriends ie not permanent, so your DD always felt herself to be your primary relationship.

But then you got engaged, signalling that THIS man was now your primary relationship, and that's what has really upset her.

Whatever the reasons, she doesn't want to live with him, and therefore you.
She's been very brave imo in expressing that.

But she is just 13 - her hormones will be amping up right now, and she will change from behaving like a child to being a young adult all within 5 minutes.
She is showing that child-like side by asking for her teddies and trinkets - very much 'comfort' items.

Please let her collect them, OP. It's really the least you can do.

You are the adult, act like it.

I knew there would be a new partner on the scene dripping poison into OPs ear. There nearly always is.

OP, you are being very, very foolish to prioritise a new relationship over your child. This man will be happily driving a wedge between you and your daughter because he doesn't like the thought of being second place in your affections. Wake up before it's too late.

If you bought it for her, it's hers. You gave it to her. Just give the girl her stuff.

@Bigglebiggle You are being completely unreasonable.

I cannot say much more as there is quite a strong possibility that I know all the main people referred to in this thread. I can only caution - as a general reminder - that the OP's of threads are not always being completely honest. Of course, a reasonable response to my reminder, could be that, not all responders to an OP's thread are necessarily telling the truth either.

I am being honest about the case I am aware of, but although everything said here by the OP points to both cases being the same, I cannot be certain of it, and Mumsnet is not the place to thrash out the very sad details concerning it. In the case I am referring to there is a devastated young teenager at the heart of it.

Please don't do this
You're supposed to be the adult here or not acting like a sookie teenager
Of course let her have her things

You need to be the bigger person here.

It takes two to play silly games, so I suggest you stop engaging in whatever games you think her dad is playing at and give your full attention to buildingnup the relationship with your child.

Just saw there's a 'stepdad' in the picture.

I hope your daughter will do well with her dad. Hopefully one day you'll come to regret being a dick.

Whatever she has done wrong it's not her fault she lives across two home environments and withholding her belongings at your place and not allowing her to have them at her dads should not be part of any constructive punishment, support or learning for her around the mistakes she's made. Perhaps different if you are limiting access to devices as part of reflection/ punishment for her but if it's indiscriminate and just her 'stuff' that doesn't feel appropriate, she should have access to her things