AIBU to refuse my daughter’s belongings after she moved to her dad’s?

[Bigglebiggle]

DD13 has been in trouble recently and there has been consequences to her actions which she did not like so has gone to live with her dad. She has not spoke to me in 3 weeks, no doubt because dad has been influencing her. She has messaged me today asking for some stuff from her home and that her dad will bring her to collect it. AIBU saying no as the items belong in our house as I purchased them, and she shouldn't be rewarded for bad behaviour?

Sounds like your DD is more emotionally mature than you, OP. After the way you have treated her, you should hang your head in shame. Give her the teddies and the trinkets. And grow up.

You seem very childish, understandably, but not very wise ifyou want to retain a relationship with her.

Sadly I was put in this situation with my dtr at that age. I let her take her stuff . . . and she didn't make contact with me for years despite me sending letters, cards, gifts, etc. The contact is still very restricted even though she is married and there are grandchildren. There is no guarantee about how your dtr will do regardless of whether you give her the items or not. I would let her have them as they are hers but don't expect any changes.

I would let her have them as they are hers

That's the point. It's not transactional. OP should give her daughter her possessions, like you did, because they're hers, nothing more. Not punishment, bribery or anything else. These are her belongings and she's got a right to them.

It would be absolutely childish and ridiculous to keep her things. You are meant to be the adult.

Teddies and trinkets? You are being extremely petty.

Tread carefully if you ever want things back on track with her, they are her things bought for her no matter who paid for them

Depends which items you mean. I'd say bed and wardrobe are furniture that will remain in the room.eg if dc grew up and left and you used that room as a guest room. However if you mean her clothes, books, toys, charger, hairdryer etc then I'd say you are causing unnecessary trouble.

Here we go another shit parent who puts dick before their child. I have read this thread and your previous thread, you should be ashamed of yourself. Leave your daughter alone she is thankfully with a parent who will love and protect her.

Grow up!

This. Op you are wrong. Give her things back to them. You bought them for her so they are hers.

if you want to screw up your relationship forever, go for it

Youre hurt that shs gone to live with her dad. I haven't read your other threads but give her her thing. Teddies and trinkets? They are hers surely. Don't be petty snd drive a deeper wedge.

pandering would be op running over at 1p pm to bring her the teddy she's requested then the next day a bracelet then the next day a book.

allowing her child back into the home OP claims she wants DD to return to, to pick up things that belong to DD, isn't pandering.

What sort of items ? If personal items then she should have them m if anything big as furniture then it’s up to her dad to get it .pack it bat you feel it’s ok and leave it by the door

@ThatLemonBee
Did you even read the op?? She says 'teddies and trinkets'.

@ScotsGranny2
Did you bring multiple men into your home to live with your young daughter? At 13, did your daughter disclose to her school that she felt unsafe with the latest man you brought into her home?

The fact she is refusing to answer any questions like this suggest she absolutely did act recklessly in regards to her daughter’s safeguarding

As you have said already they are her things whether you bought them or not you gave them to her making them legally morally and ethically hers. If you are even considering this course of action then her father doesn't have to say anything to "turn her against you" you've clearly spent some years doing that by yourself. Ask yourself why you are in this conflict your need to punish her for something you don't describe and now to "win" this conflict what is your purpose. Are you even sure if what she did was as serious as you are treating it are you certain that your punishment of her is proportionate? If things have gotten to this point it strikes me that you are wrong on both counts but feel like "getting tough" because that is what would have happened to you, if so that is how generational abuse works.
If you do enforce your authority and force her obedience you will have achieved a victory over a child and gained nothing. Our children are NOT our property, they are their own people and as parents we are responsible for bringing them to an effective competent adulthood, Using your apparent approach you are in danger of alienating her before your task is complete, demonstrating that you are in fact inadequate as a parent and as a person.. Even if you succeed how long will it last? She is nearly an adult and in a few years will vote with her feet, at that point you are unlikely to see her again and if she has your grandchildren you are unlikely to meet them - certainly that's how I would react in her place. The original transgression you are not sharing is now irrelevant your withholding her things is the greater wrong. As you appear so quick to blame the child's father and appear to take no responsibility for your part in th current situation I am not surprised that you are divorced. You may well go into old age alone and it will finally dawn on you that it is your own fault

Let it go, even if you bought it, it's her stuff- it doesn't belong to the house.

Let her have them. Pick your battles. Dont let ex preen himself. Send loving texts and nice voicemails if she wont engage. Do not forget or excuse bad behaviour but be her safe place not a walkover. At 13 they are a raging bundle of hormones. I come from a different time I was a vile teenager but my mother would have said bring your hormones over here and see how long that works. Good luck.

You are not rewarding her,you are just giving her stuff back.

It must be very upsetting to have your daughter move to her dad's because she doesn't like being disciplined so I can understand why you might not want to make it easy for them. However, she will probably soon realise that the grass is not greener with him and want to come back. So it would be wise to try and be calm and pleasant to her now so you can keep communication channels open and make her feel wanted, assuming you do want her back. If you refuse her the personal items, your relationship may never recover as she will think of you as cruel and uncaring. Tell her you love her and she is welcome back any time when she collects them and hopefully she will calm down and be back with you soon.

It isnt because she doesn't like being disciplined though.... she doesn't feel safe with the OPs latest man of the hour

its not because she doesn't like being disciplined. its because she doesn't feel safe at home with OPs latest partner (which she has disclosed to school and dad about) and OP is ignoring and downplaying that. whereas dad believes her and is supporting her hence why the daughter now lives with her dad