AIBU to object to my 13-year-old daughter moving in with her dad?

[Bigglebiggle]

Have a DD age 13, for the last 10 years she has lived with me primarily and stayed with dad every other weekend and through the holidays. There has been periods in the past she has said she does not like dads and did not want to go, however I have always encouraged this.

I have been with my partner for 3 years, due to get married next year and ever since the engagement DD has been trying to split us up. Recently she has told her dad and school information that is not true, leading to the welfare officer being involved. She does not like my partner as she feels he is strict on her, however he asks her to do what most 13 year olds do, tidy her room, help with chores etc.

DD has informed us and her school she wants to live with dad, however I know this is just a phase and informed her and her dad this is not going to happen, I dont want my child living away from me. Today I have got a call from the school to say DDs dad has picked her up and taken out a court order, im at a loss of what to do, im heart broken.

AIBU to think he is just being over the top and to go to their his house to demand her back?

Or it's this man in particular. Your daughter is at the age where men start letching.

She may well be too embarrassed, or scared of upsetting you, to tell you the truth about why he makes her so uncomfortable. So she's making stuff up instead.

The dd hasn’t broken up any of the other relationships her parents have been involved with so there is nothing routine about this.

As this is the only one that she hates, and just reading what Bigglebiggle has written about him, I can see why the dd hates him.

This sort of advice would have dd going NC.

She doesn’t want to have anything to do with this guy and ordering her to attend the wedding is a sure fire way of alienating her for good and wrecking the wedding.

I dont want my child living away from me.

But her father has to live away from his daughter, she has two parents, neither is more important than the other.

All my life she has come first, perhaps too much as ive always done everything for her and always tried to understand her instead of giving consequences for any mis behaviour, because of this she is now acting out at school, stealing and constantly getting into trouble. I love her to bits but my failings as a mother in her early years have now led to her being entitled. This is nothing to do with my other children.

I can understand this is worrying for you.
You DD is clearly unhappy with the way your partner treats her and tbh he should not be disciplining her or telling her what to do, thats your job.
Your DD is old enough for her wishes to be honoured by the courts so you may not have the decision making power here.
If there is a court order you arent in a position to do any demanding back and that aside with a teenager demanding wont work.
I think the issue is you have allowed this man who you have only known for 3 yrs to get involved with disciplining your DD and that was unwise at best.
You havent listened to your DD feelings in this matter .
Speak to your ex and express your concerns and ask to see the court order and speak to your DD saying you want her to be happy and ask her what she wants to happen.
If thats live with her dad,support that and arrange visitation.
If thats, not marry your partner for a few years,decide what is your priority .
Yes you ABU to demand her back.

So if she is fine with everyone else, your ex’s and her Dad’s partner- what is that saying about your current partner?

I cannot believe you are not listening to a child that had clearly told you, time and time again that she is not happy!! and then you accuse her of lying??!! She may actually be lying to be heard and get listened to and who can blame her.

If she feels safe at her Dads then thats where she stays! And just because you think they are normal asks (you should be asking her to do her bedroom, not him!) and normal arguments it doesn’t mean to say your DD does!! Keep communication open with her and make sure she knows how much you love her.

I have too say after many years working with children you just don’t get a court order - there will need to be a good reason as to why the courts proceeded with this.

The answer to this though is clearly obvious to everyone but you!

3 years ago there was a husband, a 2 year old and a 10 year old step son, with no mention of the now 13 year old DD.

If she is such a problem now, why is her dad and his new wife/partner going to such lengths to let her live with them? This just does not add up at all

I feel like this is the perfect story to wind up the antistepfamily side of mumsnet, but say it is true, then let her go to her dads if he will have her. You’re making a choice about changing her life, she has another parent who she would rather live with so she should have a choice over living with her dad, or staying with you and having a new parental figure she doesn’t want, and lets me honest the risk of abuse has gone up in your home now

He shouldn’t be telling her off. Step parents, especially those that join in the teen years, should act more like uncles and aunties imo.

It’s how me and my partner do things and we have great relationships with our step-children. We both had “mums new boyfriend making our lives miserable” situations as children and didn’t want to repeat that for ours.

how many men have been brought in her life since her dad?

is she the eldest? Are the siblings “full” or “half” siblings?

why is your partner of just 3 years trying to discipline her? Why is that not for you and ex to agree on?

It’s all relevant and I don’t think her issues are from being “entitled” somehow…

Why is your partner parenting your child? They have no right to do that and you should make them stop immediately. My daughter struggled living with my husband and his two boys (split from her dad when she was 5, moved in with current husband when she was 7) and she moved in with her dad when she was about 13. Yes, I thought I was dying for quite a long time. But she's now almost 18 and happy as anything and I see her very regularly and our relationship is great. It's not really about what you want, it's about what she wants and what is best for her. Do you think her dad will be able to look after her adequately? Couldn't you say let's have a trial and see how you get on and if you want to come back then the door is always open?

Not wanting to live with an adult man who makes her unhappy is not “entitled”

So by your own admission you’ve been a bad parent? Let her go to her dads, maybe he can do better with boundaries and consequences since you haven’t put that in place.

You don’t seem to like your imaginary daughter

So she's started acting out since the new man?

And you don't think there is a link?

Please get individual and family counselling. And by family I mean you and your daughter.

This is a horrible read. Imagine as a 13 year old girl having a random man come into your home and start telling you what to do. Irregardless of these what may or may not be ‘lies’ this is a horrible and uncomfortable situation for your daughter and I feel sad that this man is clearly being prioritised over her

I am surprised if he has managed to get a without notice court order to say she lives with him. If you want to save this situation, can your DP stop telling her off? It’s causing an issue. He needs to stop giving a shit. Fine if she’s being noisy or disruptive to tell her to stop it but cleaning her room and doing chores needs to be what you do. You also need to stop arguing where she can hear it.

Alternatively, let her go and live with her dad. If he’s not a terrible parent, why not? She’s lived with you all these years so let him take over for a bit if that’s what she wants.

Im Sorry but a string of boyfriends husbands partners in 10 years isn’t putting your child first at all by any means. And step siblings that come and go.

But you’ve got to see a teen suddenly going off the rails at this particular man as puberty has hit and it’s been deemed enough by court for there to be an order in place.

Likely isn’t so innocent from your fiancé. Whatever she’s disclosed to the school and her dad isn’t just I don’t like him telling me to do chores or him and mum arguing. It’s bigger than that.

Maybe a gender transition 😂

Do your other children all share the same dad as this daughter? Or has she had to deal with lots of men living in her home, and new children produced each time?

Ok, thank you

You have chosen a man over your child. What did you expect? It isn't his place to tell her off - it's yours. She has two parents and clearly doesn't need a third.

I’ll give you an example of what happened to my mum:-

her parents divorced when she was 5 and her dad got sole custody of her as his mother (grandmother) lived with him so brought my mum up. Grandmother died when my mum was 10 and her dad had remarried a year or so before this. Her dad and step mum had awful arguments and apparently my mum was difficult but I don’t think my step grandma was easy and she’d had a miscarriage. When my mum was 13 though her stepmum tried to throw a sofa over the bannisters (they lived on the top two floors of a big house). My mum then went to live with her mum nearby and her new stepdad. That had its own issues which I won’t go into here.

Blended families and step families are tricky. Your daughter is a teenager ffs. With hormones and emotions. You and your fiance are adults she is a child. Think on this. I’m not going to throw blame or cast aspersions about you as it’s been done here.

You are talking as though your new partner is her father with parental authority. He isn't, he doesn't have that and if he can't accept that, then he needs to move out.

The new potential step-parent should have no authority over your child. It's you who should do all the asking her to clean her room, help with chores etc. He is the newcomer in her home, and even if he is a great guy who cares about her, (and it doesn't sound much as though he is) he shouldn't be doing this. He should step back and recognise he has no authority in her life. His role relates to you.

If their relationship improves, she might accept suggestions from him, might even talk to him about the issues most teenage girls have with their mums, but right now, he should have no authority.

Threw a sofa over bannisters to try to hit my mum I mean. I wish that wasn’t true.