AIBU to refuse my daughter’s belongings after she moved to her dad’s?

[Bigglebiggle]

DD13 has been in trouble recently and there has been consequences to her actions which she did not like so has gone to live with her dad. She has not spoke to me in 3 weeks, no doubt because dad has been influencing her. She has messaged me today asking for some stuff from her home and that her dad will bring her to collect it. AIBU saying no as the items belong in our house as I purchased them, and she shouldn't be rewarded for bad behaviour?

So sentimental stuff?

Do not do this if you want a relationship with her going forward. It's horribly petty and she is still a child- as evidenced by wanting her teddys.

Oh, it’s that poster.

Your being childish give the girl her things

You are an adult - act like one. I hope to God her dad is more grown up than you. I also remember you from previous threads - why don’t you tell everyone here why your daughter has moved out?

Op, I can’t imagine how hard this if for you but you neee to focus on your desired end result. Keep the door open for her realising and coming home. Shes all hormonal and attitude. It won’t last. Be her safe, calm place to come home to.

Ooooh.

Yes I remember that thread.

As you were.

YABVU op.

Can you link the previous thread? I’m invested now

Is it teddies and trinkets that are actually yours and you've been letting her have them in her room but always expected to keep them when she left home, or are they teddies and trinkets that you bought for her?

If the former YANBU, if the latter - sounds like you could really do with some help processing the hurt from her leaving to go to her Dad's. It's not reasonable to refuse to give her her stuff, even if she's been rude and petty. It's also going to make reconciliation a lot harder.

So she has finally had enough of the men you have inflicted on her and has voted with her feet. Good on her

It sounds like what she’s asking for is actually her stuff though, gifts that have been give on to her or her clothing. It would be different if you were talking about household items like furniture or shared electronics used by others in the house. You would like you’re being spiteful because she’s decided she can thwart the consequences by going to live with her dad. I understand you being pissed off about that but as the adults you and her dad have ultimately allowed and enabled her to do that. If you don’t think it was a suitable move and in her best interests then it’s up to you to either get agreement and support from her dad that she needs to move back and deal with the consequences or take it to court and plead the case.

This has nothing to do with letting her have her own possessions.

@ALovelyPinkUnicorn there's far more to this than OP will admit and maybe you want to accept. Maybe read OPs other thread and you'll see this is more about OP refusing to accept her partner might not be perfect. here's the previous thread btw https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/5541222-aibu-to-object-to-my-13-year-old-daughter-moving-in-with-her-dad?page=9

@Bigglebiggle I hope that either he looks like a god or that the sex is good enough to destroy your relationship with your DD

I have linked it in a comment to another poster

Ask yourself if you are acting out of anger/hurt.
Take a step back.
Girls need their mum.
She will be back if you leave the door open & a hug waiting.
Butting heads is normal with teenagers. Its your reaction you can control, believe me when I say it might be difficult for a while but worth it in the end

Ugh are you one of those?

@PilotingAWail
It’s a result of a trail of men the op has introduced to her child’s life

This situation sounds like a bit of a bin fire and you’re reaching for the petrol rather than a bucket of water.

Crack on if you want 3 weeks to become 3 months, and so on.

Thanks. I have read that now. Quite a backstory that’s been missed out and OP still not getting the validation she is after!

Well if you already knew the answer, why did you ask us?

They're her belongings and unless not having her teddies and trinkets is somehow related to the consequences (and it shouldn't be) then it's really petty and manipulative to withhold them. Sounds like you're also trying to weaponise them against her dad. Perhaps he is turning her against you but you're sure making it easy for him.

Ah Feck it, didn't recognise the poster.

Your immaturity & treatment of your daughter is shocking!

Putting a man about her and now want to punish her further for moving out, which is absolutely the right decision for her.

@ALovelyPinkUnicorndon’t be ridiculous. We are only hearing one side of the issue here.
Teddies and trinkets ? Jeez, these are sentimental let her have them!
My stepson moved in full time with us at 14 after having issues with his mother. I remember dropping him at hers for a visit and she answered the door with finger immediately in his face berating him about something. It’s no wonder he never moved back in with her, and my DH was no pushover.

Oh my God it's that person!

Poor, poor kid. I hope her father can give her the stability and care she needs. Her mother won't even let her have her teddies.

What is it with parents on here of late acting like petulant children when they are the adults

I need more context - what behaviour is so poor that you’d deny her trinkets and soft toys?

yep, I didn't realise until @AnneLovesGilbert pointed it out.

and definitely the daughter needs stability in her life which she clearly isn't getting with OP

I’m glad your DD is still with her Dad and his wife. I hope she’s happy there. You showed no compassion or understanding towards her when you posted a few weeks ago that her Dad had got a court order for your DD to live with him and you’ve still no compassion or understanding three weeks later,