AIBU to refuse my daughter’s belongings after she moved to her dad’s?

[Bigglebiggle]

DD13 has been in trouble recently and there has been consequences to her actions which she did not like so has gone to live with her dad. She has not spoke to me in 3 weeks, no doubt because dad has been influencing her. She has messaged me today asking for some stuff from her home and that her dad will bring her to collect it. AIBU saying no as the items belong in our house as I purchased them, and she shouldn't be rewarded for bad behaviour?

No wonder kids have no respect. Too many people on here saying give her her stuff, do you want a relationship etc. etc.

No don't give her it. She needs to realise there is consequences to her behaviour. Giving in makes them realise it doesnt matter what they do they will get what they want anyway.

Have you read the backstory? There’s a lot more to it.

I think just give them to her. You need to soften here not meet her in the ring. Is she ok in her dad's?

They will have emotional value to her, I still have the teddies from by childhood and I'm in my 50s now. You risk alienating her for good

On this case, the consequence is not having to live in a house in which she doesn’t feel safe with the latest in a string of strange men.

There is no evidence her dad is permissive or doesn’t parent well. In her other thread OP said the step mum asks DD to tidy her room and DD doesn’t complain. That’ll be because she feels safe and comfortable in their home and doesn’t mind doing reasonable things when asked to by reasonable people.

Ah, didn't have all info.
Thank you

Poor kid
OP I would give her her stuff (it IS hers), apologise for not creating a home where she feels safe, then leave it with her if she wants contact.

You're the grown-up. Do you want her to come back? Do you want the chance to build a positive relationship - one in which you both have mutual respect and love? Let go of the rope. Pack her things up, send them as requested. Make sure she knows the door is open for her to come back at anytime and that you love her. You do, right? She isn't a possession to fight over and control. She's an adolescent human being in need of love and appropriate guidance and boundaries. You've messed up, but it isn't irretrievable.

If you think she is being childish…..look in the mirror.

She's 13, the courts will listen to what she wants. Pack up what she wants and when she comes to get them tell her that you love her, miss her and that your door is always open.

Refusing to hand them over is almost a guaranteed way to make her not want to come back and to damage your relationship further.

Denying access to sentimental and personal items that are important to her is not an appropriate consequence. At any age. If you think that this is, perhaps you should have a long hard look at your own parenting?

The consequences are - her mother's love has limits and conditions. This is not the way to parent a teenager.

A spiteful way to treat a young girl.

She’s just a kid, how is she ever meant to have the skills to say sorry and that she misses home? Especially if Dads not going to support her to do so. So she says can I have my teddies, as they feel like home and maybe Mom will show she wants me back. She isn’t a dog, it doesn’t have to be reward and punish all the time. Show her you love and miss her.

Which is fine if Dad is also operating to this draconian standard but if he isn’t you just lose your kid. Perfect world and all that.

Wonder why this kid is struggling? Might it be horrendous parenting?

Those items are pretty personal things, they are not things you need and not things she can just replace. Let her come and collect them, she’s 13 and it sounds like she’s having a tough time. I hope her dad can I’ve her the love and support she needs.

Grow up OP, give the poor thing her teddy and get a grip

The items your daughter wants to collect are her belongings. The fact you paid for them is irrelevant. They are hers now. Not yours. You are entirely unreasonable to withhold them from her and will damage your relationship yet further if you don’t let her have them. Letting her have them is not rewarding bad behaviour.

As to you having looked into it - you are wrong about the approach of the courts. If a 13 year old is expressing very strong views about where they should live, in the absence of safeguarding issues, their wishes and feelings on the matter will be highly influential.

Do you really think that not giving her her teddys etc will make her respect OP? More likely it will just alienate her more from OP and bring her closer to her father (who will probably replace them).

As I understand it, the OP has seperated from her 2023 husband (father of her younger DD) and is now engaged to another new man who also moved in during 2023.

Quick mover.

There was also another man loving in her house between the DD13s father who left when she was 3 and the DD6s father who qas around since at least the age of 6/7.

DD13 only has an issue with the current fiance... none of the other men or SM.

She has not spoke to me in 3 weeks, no doubt because dad has been influencing her. She has messaged me today asking for some stuff from her home and that her dad will bring her to collect it.
She has not spoken to you in 3 weeks and she reaches out to ask you for her stuff - giving you both an opportunity to bury the hatchet and you take it as an opportunity to dig the knife in a little further by saying no?

It sounds like you are in a bad place, this is an awful way for you to behave. I think your behaviour is making her behaviour worse - teens need a steady level headed parent and that does not sound like you. You probably need a break from parenting because you sound a little bit burned out.

Surely they are her belongings. Not yours. You really have no right to keep someone else’s stuff when they have asked for them.

Or are you one of those people who don’t think children own their own possessions.

I take it the op has now stropped off the thread because people have made the connection and are no longer giving her the answers she tried to manipulate out of us with half a story.