AIBU to refuse my daughter’s belongings after she moved to her dad’s?

[Bigglebiggle]

DD13 has been in trouble recently and there has been consequences to her actions which she did not like so has gone to live with her dad. She has not spoke to me in 3 weeks, no doubt because dad has been influencing her. She has messaged me today asking for some stuff from her home and that her dad will bring her to collect it. AIBU saying no as the items belong in our house as I purchased them, and she shouldn't be rewarded for bad behaviour?

If an item belongs to someone who initially bought it is irrelevant it’s been given to them. OP is rescinding potentially sentimental items to emotionally manipulate her DD and ‘one up’ her DD’s father. Her DD is learning that parental care from her mother’s side is conditional and dependent on her parents emotions. OP sounds very immature. It’s also telling that OP has picked out the only comment that is supportive of her view for an ‘exactly this’ post.

Despite having bought them you gave them to her as gifts, so yes, let her have them to take to her dad's.

This doesn't mean that you have to pander to her every whim though, some teenagers can be horrible beings at times, I'd tell her that she doesn't have to move out, but you'll respect her choices, pass over her belongings then sit back and wait to see how long it'll be before her dad sends her back.

And be away from your revolving door of new husband's if i remember correctly.

Teddies and trinkets are her personal items. I was originally going to ask what the items were but you'd already been asked.

If it were household items that you've bought for the whole home or that you share like a hairdryer or your kitchen radio, then no, those stay in the house but if they are gifts you've bought for your daughter those are HER belongings whether or not she's not been her best self recently or has broken rules.

It's not rewarding her to give her access to her belongings.

If you've been badmouthed and your relationship is strained already, withholding these things at this time will just exacerbate things, make the situation worse and turn you into the bad guy. This will be fuel for the fire.

You need to be the adult here. You need to act with grace and maturity. If you want to rebuild a positive relationship with your daughter you won't do that by petty mean behaviour. Give her the things in a box with a letter saying you love her and you miss her.

@MajorProcrastination

I don't think that will work. The op bringing a succession of men into her house is what has caused the issue - but the op won't say that.

She is at the age where she does not like being told what to do, such as tidying after herself and does not like consequences to her actions. She knows at dads she can have her phone back, stay up late on weekends and sit infront of a screen all day

sounds like fairly normal teenage behaviour to me! When you said initially bad behaviour a consequences that have made her move out I thought it must be something really dire that she had done to warrant this situation, not just having a messy room and wanting to spend more time in her phone than you would like!?

I think it would be entirely unreasonable of you to not let her have her possessions- you mentioned they are small things that her dad can buy her if needed, but jewellery and teddy’s can have emotional attachments and memories- although she is rebelling against you she is still at that halfway point between childhood and adulthood so give her some grace.

Speaking as someone who rebelled against their mum and had a horrible relationship as a teen, all I wanted was a bit of love and understanding that sometimes I found things harder than my mums perception of life and I didn’t need strict consequences, just a cuddle. It honestly felt like my mum hated me which is quite likely how your daughter is feeling right now.

Could this request to visit be her clumsy, teenage way of opening dialogue ?

Although I have to say you are coming across as rather aggressive and inflexible. The actions of 13 years old can be enough to try the patience of a saint and they all have a preternatural ability to find the buttons to push you over the edge.

You haven't shared the full story and I'm not demanding you should but it takes one hell of a lot of effort to go to court and you have been very dismissive of the reason. Withholding her 'teddies and trinkets' is spiteful and unnecessary and plays only into her premise that her home with you is unsafe. If your falling out is over failure to tidy her room, then frankly you have choosen a bad hill to battle on. If she feels 'unsafe', she feels unsafe and you dismissing her feelings isn't going to solve that.

To keep the relationship alive you are going to have to be the adult, listen to her, believe her and act to support her. And remember she doesn't have to live under your roof for you to have a positive relationship with her.

A really difficult situation. Sometimes stepping back until things calm down is the best approach to avoid further conflict.

My dad and stepmother are horrible human beings and even they didn't stop us taking our belongings when we left to live with our mum. You will forever be the villain if you do that. Think long term and be logical. Will it honestly benefit anyone being vindictive right now?

I don't think you understand that she is not coming back.

She's a 13-year-old child and you're withholding a few teddies from her in some petty revenge game because you had a row with her?

I can see why she prefers to live with her dad.

Poor kid. You need to be the fucking adult here. She's a child and you're being incredibly spiteful. You're the parent here; you have to be the bigger and more compassionate person than a troubled 13-year-old can be.

Fucking HELL.

My 13 year old self would have got my dad to get my stuff, if he was able to, and then I probably wouldn't have spoken to my mum for a long, long time afterwards if ever again. I'm a cold person and don't really care whether I keep contact with someone who has been a dick to me, h or my kids. A lot of people have been cut out of my life as a result and it's a lot better as a result.

I could understand you not wanting her to take a wardrobe or something but to deny her her teddies is just mean spirited. You know full well they weren't bought for the house they were bought for her and as such he should be able to take them wherever she wants. If you want to rebuild any sort of relationship with your daughter you are going to have to be the one to be the adult.

if this is the same thread and same daughter who doesn't feel safe living in your house with your live in boyfriend but was fine with your other previous live in boyfriends and her dad's wife - you're still very much focusing on the wrong things.

And even if she does, these are things she'd bring back with her.
The op's excuses are ludicrous.

This is really spiteful of you. I'm amazed at how many parents handled separation so poorly.

My mum would act like this.
If she got us anything it was always hers because she had got it for us.
If you know what I mean.

Ive not spoken since the day I moved out. Almost 29 years.

IF she comes back then she can bring them with her. But jeezo of course you need to let her have them. WTF! Your comment about court not liking kids to move is strange seeing court have sanctioned it. At 13 though dd will have the main say in this!

Agree with other pp - that's hercstuff and YABVU to not let her take it.

But if you decide to ignore me and the others - crack on and totally ruin your relationship with her.

You've got a young teen who's gone to live with her dad because she's afraid of your live in guy. Now you refuse to give her her personal belongings that have sentimental value for her because she won't stay with you and the man she's afraid of. That's just vicious and spiteful. Not letting her have her teddies. That's fucking low.

She'll be sad and miss her childhood things but you withholding those from her will not teach her anything except to harden her heart against you.

You're a good example of how not to parent. And a really good example of how picking dick over kids wrecks the relationship with kids.

She's really lucky her dad and his new wife have given her a safe place to live.

@Bigglebiggle why dont you explain your other threads.
You seem to put men first and your child last.

Maybe her dad can buy her personal belongings off you.

Do you not think it’s a bit rich to be worried about disruption to her home life when you’ve made her live with at least three of your partners so far since you and her dad split up?

You’ve chosen to disrupt her life every few years to move boyfriends in. She has put up with the previous few bless her but doesn’t like your current partner so doesn’t want to live with you any more.

Your home isn’t a stable, reliable place if you move a new bloke in every few years.

Maybe she’s sick of being put last?

Oh gosh. I had no idea about that element. Yeesh.

I still think give the daughter's precious knickknacks and soft toys to her though.

I think you're missing what's going on here. The daughter has moved out because OP has moved in a new boyfriend (one of many apparently) that the daughter does not feel safe having in the house. OP has dismissed her worries completely because having a man in the house is far more important to her than her daughter's safety and well being.
In that context, perhaps you can see why it is not the daughter who is needing consequences in this situation.