AIBU to refuse my daughter’s belongings after she moved to her dad’s?

[Bigglebiggle]

DD13 has been in trouble recently and there has been consequences to her actions which she did not like so has gone to live with her dad. She has not spoke to me in 3 weeks, no doubt because dad has been influencing her. She has messaged me today asking for some stuff from her home and that her dad will bring her to collect it. AIBU saying no as the items belong in our house as I purchased them, and she shouldn't be rewarded for bad behaviour?

Just let her collect what she needs. Teddies and trinkets, can you hear yourself?

And she is 13, not 3. Its not disruptive if she chooses to be with her father. The courts would take her wishes into account if this went to court.

Youve already decided to prioritise your love life over the years. Your dd is now prioritising herself, which sounds veey sensible and she is lucky her df and step mum are happy to have her.

I remember you from your last thread and I'm glad your DD now lives with her dad. You are determined to be right and 'win' rather than putting her needs first, so crack on and be petty and vindictive.

In a few years if MN still exists, expect to hear special hits like:

"DD is getting married but refuses to invite the love of my life of a fortnight. I've turned down the invitation, that'll learn her."

"DD is pregnant, she doesn't want my partner around the grandkids. He's served time inside, but tells me it was a minor thing. I've sent her a text telling her she's a spiteful cow"

"My health is failing, my boyfriend has walked away. I keep texting DD to take me to appointments, she tells me she's busy, after everything I did for her..."

It depends. If she's demanding bedside cabinets, dressing table, curtains etc then no, that's furniture which belongs in your house.

If it's clothing, personal possessions, personal bedding, cushions etc. The type of things that have been bought as gifts or to personalise her space then they belong to her.

I'd simply respond: "Of course darling, Dad can wait outside whilst you pack up the bits you need whilst you're there. Love you"

Don't be the cause of this escalating.

Yikes.

She is a literal child and you want to withhold things like teddies and trinkets that have sentimental significance to her?

Do you understand the law surrounding gifts and personal property?

No wonder she’s moved in with her dad.

So you're choosing a partner over your child? And being incredibly petty.

This. It actually shows your attitude OP, petty tit for tat which suggests you probably didn’t handle the original argument well either.

She is only 13 & has had enough disruption in her life with no doubt toing & froing between two homes. Give her the items she wants to take to hers father's house. She wiil return in her own time.

What has the ex / DDs father done wrong?
Have you read OPs previous threads?
Her daughter feels unsafe around OPs latest boyfriend. She has made accusations to her father and the school. The OP ignored these but the father has acted and removed DD from the house she doesn't feel safe in. The school were involved with the removal and notified OP of a court order.

The daughters crime is not wanting to live with OPs latest boyfriend (noting that the OP has lived with 3+ men in a 7 year period and the DD had no issues with those men, just the latest one). OP refuses to believe her daughter.

OP - you are the adult here. At some point your DD will be too, and she will remember this.

I think you've just hit the nail on the head.

The dd is a cash cow to the op. That's why she doesn't want to let her go.

Her Dad sounds like a good man. He's stepped up and got her into an environment where she feels safe. She clearly stated, as you yourself said, that she felt unsafe around your boyfriend and you chose to gaslight and ignore her concerns. This is much deeper than not liking rules at your house and you know it.

I doubt she will be back to your house once she's got herself into a settled and secure environment at her dad's so your petty attempts at revenge are just going to cut the last threads of a relationship you have with her. If that's what you want then crack on but don't whine about the consequences.

OP's idea of discipline is to prevent access to personal, sentimental items.
And to allow an unrelated adult (her boyfriend) to tell her DD off.

And OP hasn't just gone off to live with her dad. She's told the school she feels unsafe and dad has taken out a court order.
I know an awful lot of parents of teenagers. None of them have taken out court orders or not spoken to their teens for 3 weeks. This isn't "got in a minor bit of trouble and didn't want to face the consequences" territory.

This is dreadful. Posters should divulge situations like this before adding threads that don't convey the whole truth & the bigger picture.

Oh, it's that one, thanks. I think I said on the other thread that we weren't getting even half of half of the story.

OP, she's voted with her feet and you will only alienate her further if you withhold her belongings. The only way to get her back is to make her want to be with you rather than her father.

I read your previous thread. I feel sorry for your DD and I'm glad her dad stepped up to help her. Your response, trying to withold her personal items, is petty and childish. You seem to give very little thought to what your DD is going through, it's all about you, isn't it?
Trying to get revenge on your DD for wanting to live with her dad because you moved yet another man into the house is a really poor way to behave. Unless you really want to destroy your relationship with her, you need to take a long, cold look at your own behaviour.

So you’ve had a series of boyfriends come into your daughter’s life over a short period of time, she feels unsafe/uncomfortable enough around this one to MOVE OUT COMPLETELY, leaving you, her mum, and you want to react by holding her sentimental personal belongings hostage??!!

Have I read that right? Because I cannot fathom treating my daughter like this. Where is your maternal instinct? Or does it only apply when you miss out on child maintenance and/or benefit payments?!

Negotiation and communication works better with teens, listening, being present, but also having boundaries. If it is her will against you it will never work.

Be the parent and grownup op. Don’t be petty, she is 13 and going through a lot of stuff including hormones, school and peer pressure, plus the stuff going on at home between you and you ex.

This is just sad that you’d try to withhold a child’s teddies just because you think she should live with you. All you’re going to do is cause additional problems in your relationship with her. She’s at an age that she can have some input into where she wants to live and trying to force her back is not going to improve your relationship.

OP also needs to be advised that her ex-husband can now put in a request for child maintenance should he choose to. OP - are you working?

Honestly how did it even cross your mind to say no to this request?

Give her whats hers.

Fucking grow up.

It doesn’t matter whether or not you paid for them. You gave those things to her, they are now hers. It’s not like a bed that you bought for her to use. She’s not asking for big expensive stuff. How could you deny your child her teddies?

You are about an inch away from damaging your relationship with her beyond all repair. And you want to push it over the edge just so you can play tit for tat? What the fuck is wrong with you? What did you learn from your mum that makes you think this is an acceptable way to parent your child? This isn’t about showing your daughter she shouldn’t be rewarded for ‘bad behaviour’. It’s about you trying to get revenge because she doesn’t like the latest man you’ve moved in.

you are so cruel. Teddies and trinkets are HERS and have sentimental value. and if you are the poster who is refusing to isten to your daughter about this man you've moved in with her and who thinks he has the right to discipline her, you are being completely and totally ridiculous. What does this man have over you?

None of this makes sense then!
Can I smell a rat somewhere? 🐀

Absolutely this