AIBU to refuse my daughter’s belongings after she moved to her dad’s?

[Bigglebiggle]

DD13 has been in trouble recently and there has been consequences to her actions which she did not like so has gone to live with her dad. She has not spoke to me in 3 weeks, no doubt because dad has been influencing her. She has messaged me today asking for some stuff from her home and that her dad will bring her to collect it. AIBU saying no as the items belong in our house as I purchased them, and she shouldn't be rewarded for bad behaviour?

Even without the backstory, which I assume you don't know or you would definitely be on this girl's side, her "bad behavior" is wanting to live with her other parent. She's entitled to live with her other parent. It's not her fault they don't live together.

@throwawayimplantchat I recognized the poster too. This young girl had no choice but to leave the OPs home after she felt unsafe. The OP had moved a third partner in over a ten 10 year period.
Holding a few teddies to ransom is childish. Give it up OP you are still trying to win this one and you lost. If you carry on you'll lose your daughter forever. Be an adult.

You’re the adult here. Just give her the stuff.
three weeks is far long to not speak with your child.

I was with you when I thought you meant her bedroom furniture. But keeping her teddies as punishment is just cruel - and makes me think there are good reasons she doesn't want to live with you.

She won't come running back to you because you withhold her things OP, you'll just push her further away. You are unlikely to get anywhere with courts either especially as she's 13 and wanting to live with Dad, only way you are getting your daughter back is if she wants to come back and you are creating an environment that'll ensure she doesn't.

What were her actions and what were the consequences?

Does she have a stepdad she doesn't get on with who disciplined her by any chance?

Her teddies and trinkets are hers, not letting her get them eflects a very narcissistic view of parenting.

Aaaaaand there we have it, I hadn't read the backstory but it's painfully obvious this was a woman pandering to a new partner. Imagine withholding this wee girls teddies 😭

Another thread?! Accept that you are to blame here and give this poor child her teddies - scummy behaviour

So very sentimental items that would clearly have been given to her as gifts.

YABU

Children have to be allowed ownership of their own belongings.

Oh god how awful. Poor child.

Stop moving unrelated adults - especially men - into your children’s homes people!

Ops making herself sound worse and worse in each thread.

yep she has a step dad, one she has told school and her dad that she is scared off, OP doesn't believe it and her dad does and made arrangements to make her feel safe.

OP will say that she doesn't like being told to clean her room by him, yet she is happy for dad's wife (step mum) to ask her to clean her room etc. There is something not right about it but OP doesn't even want to entertain the idea that something could be going on

So bizarre too to be so emotionally disconnected that she thinks her daughters dad can just buy new teddies and that will be the same as having her own teddies she’s likely had for years and is emotionally attached to.

I know lots of adults who kept a favourite teddy or two their whole lives. Saying they can just be replaced with new ones is such a completely non maternal (or paternal) way of thinking.

Complete lack of empathy. Which is probably why OP didn’t realise that moving three different blokes in over the last ten years was completely selfish behaviour.

You should give them to her, they sound like items which have sentimental value to her.

Once you've given them to her, they're hers.

@Bigglebigglehasn’t returned to the thread she started, shown up for the cash-chasing charlatan she is maybe?? (I’d welcome you to argue your case, but I doubt you have the balls)

This op ain't coming back and the issue here is her dd doesn't feel safe living with her and her mums partner....not the return of the teddies...

Plus the potential loss of income ?

As a previous poster said, she's emotionally disconnected.

She sure is

YABU, give the child what she wants and needs to provide her with comfort. You are the adult.

What do you want to teach your daughter OP?

If it’s a bit of accountability and autonomy and developing her independence then I think it starts with you modelling adult behaviours.
That is, show her that you don’t want drama or arguments, and that you don’t wish to score points over her teddies and trinkets.
Encourage her to see the error of her ways when she eventually comes home, yes of course. A few simple rules for all of you in the household would help, with an explanation as to why self care, looking after your own environment and sharing jobs are as important as sharing the treats and benefits.
Likewise, creating an atmosphere of helping each other rather than creating a battle field will also help.
For now i suggest your DD needs to feel your love not your anger and disdain.

Young teens can drive their parents crazy in trying to work out the strategies which are actually effective. We don’t want them to grow up careless, entitled, arrogant and self centred. But they really can push their luck at some stage.
She doesn’t want to back down and her dad is indulging her. For now, that is.
We do have to play the long game at times, so I’d happily let her collect her small personal items etc. And remind her how much you love her at the same time….all in a very low key, non-confrontational, matter of fact but genuine way.
Good luck OP.

You need to everything you can to rebuild your relationship so let her have her things and be kind and nice to her. Otherwise you will end up losing your relationship completely

I’ve had a similar situation with a much older child . He doesn’t like rules here ….. nothing extreme just get out of bed , clean up after yourself , help around the house . His Dad is happy to not parent him at his house. He lies in bed all day , plays video games all night , eats crap and nothing else .
I let him take what he wants . They’re his things and were given to him .
If she comes back to you and can’t have the things back from her Father’s for some reason I guess that will be the lesson for her . I wouldn’t replace them if that happens .

@Cloudtime
Did you bring multiple men to live in your home when your children were young? Did your child disclose to his school that he felt unsafe with any of them?
That is why @Bigglebiggle‘s 13 year old daughter has gone to her dad’s house.

I’ve had a similar situation with a much older child . He doesn’t like rules here

I presume you haven't RTFT or seen the backstory. OPs daughter has left because she feels unsafe around OPs latest man about town. The 13yr old DD has alerted her father and the school that she doesn't feel safe. She has vocalised issues with this man to her mother (OP) for quite some time but OP won't listen. It isn't about rules unfortunately. It's much more serious.

OP has had numerous men move in and out of the house in quick succession over the years but the daughter has only ever had issues with the current man - so again it doesn't sound like a stroppy child... there's clearly underlying issues.