AIBU to refuse my daughter’s belongings after she moved to her dad’s?

[Bigglebiggle]

DD13 has been in trouble recently and there has been consequences to her actions which she did not like so has gone to live with her dad. She has not spoke to me in 3 weeks, no doubt because dad has been influencing her. She has messaged me today asking for some stuff from her home and that her dad will bring her to collect it. AIBU saying no as the items belong in our house as I purchased them, and she shouldn't be rewarded for bad behaviour?

It depends whether you want a good relationship with her in the future.

Denying her her stuff sounds at best petty, at worst manipulative.

Agree with @Henriettina

Well sure if you want to add fuel to the fire! She's a teenager and you're meant to be the adult here.

The items are hers whether you brought them or not so it would be very petty to say she cannot have them.

Do you want to have no relationship with your daughter?

What is she asking for? If it was given to her, rather than belongs in the house, then YABU to not give it to her.

As PP says, if you want a good relationship in the future then navigate this carefully. 3 weeks is a very long time to not speak with your child.

My daughter’s behaviour really challenged me at this age so I hope it’s ok to say I probably know how you’re feeling. I’d let her get belongings - she maybe looking for pushback to add to her belief that you are unreasonable.
If her behaviour continues at Dad’s, he will also have to put in consequences or deal with the longer term implications of being permissive.
I always tried to be reasonable and consistent. It has paid off in the end. My daughter is lovely again and I protected the relationship by being the adult.

Don’t be a dick.

You’re not being unreasonable per se but you are risking alienating her even further if that is what is happening.

She is likely to eventually realise that no rules is not really a good thing, but she needs to come to that in her own time. You pushing the ‘stick’ here is probably not going to help that and will just encourage her more to her dads I’d say.

I’d personally try and remain approachable and kind to her, whilst still firm, and let her know your door is always open for when she wants to return.

Ultimately whether you have paid for them or not, they are (at least certainly in her mind) “her things” so you’d just come across as cruel to not allow her to have them.

It would be different if you said “you can’t have them for x weeks due to this behaviour” for example, but I think unfair to say she can’t have them at all

She doesn't have her own house/car/job, her stuff is all she has control over.
If you take away access to that, don't be surprised if she doesn't want much to do with you

That’s a bad idea. Keep the communication channels open and tell her you love her but there are consequences for bad behaviour.

What sort of things? Clothes, make up, jewellery, bedding, soft toys, trinkets etc I would totally let her take.
Furniture would be a no.

Pick your battles.

Her stuff belongs to her, not to the house, nor to you. YABVU.

When my 14 yo ds decided his df's house was more appealing i left them to it...
He came back a year later full time. Barely saw exh after that.

This is spot on.

Op it is difficult and I understand your reaction, but you need to look at the bigger picture and not alienate her even more .

Some teddy's and trinkets. Nothing her dad couldn't buy her if he really wanted to

Weren’t those gifts and therefore hers?

Oof, this reply makes it seem like you are wanting to keep them to prove some sort of point or score a point. You need to be the adult here and not stoop to the level of a teenager!

Pick your battles. I know you’re probably pissed off but you’ve got to be the adult

You want to hold some teddies hostage to punish your daughter?

So nothing important to you, but they are to her. You sound like a toddler having a tantrum screaming MINE.

You really think soft toys and trinkets are yours and not hers?
I can see why she is with her dad ,

No wonder she moved out at age 13 if that's your attitude. Your poor daughter.
Doesn't matter if it's replaceable trinkets. Everyone's possessions are important to themselves, especially so with children. Be the bigger person op.

But presumably these are items that have some sentimental value for her. Just buying another one isn't remotely the same thing.

So everyone is saying The dd can be rude and horrible, demand items that have been paid for by other people, she can be nasty and agressive, but she’s a victim and should be pandered to?

Then obviously they're hers to take wherever she wants, not yours to withhold.