“Too self absorbed to be a mum”

[Broks]

I’ve always carried a bit of extra meat on my body. Nothing extreme but ive been a 12/14 most of my life.

This year I had enough. I was sick of always going for the flattering options. I’ve lost an unbelievable 24 pounds. I feel amazing. No glp 1s. Maybe have another .5 stone to go? More than that I have been toning up like nobody’s business. I’ve built muscle I’ve never seen before. I thought I would probably stop at this point but to be honest I really want to get the dream bod. Once in my life I want to be “that” woman. And for the first time I actually feel confident that I can achieve that

So MIL came over for lunch yesterday. And as usual asked about grandkids. She does it in a tongue in cheek kind of way. But there’s an underlying seriousness to her comments. Anyway, SIL pipped in and said “Broks won’t have kids until she’s had abs”. Okay so this is something I’ve jokingly said but to my hubby and friends. It’s semi true.

MIL basically spat out in avery heroine tone “ well then if that’s the case she’s too self absorbed and vain to be a mother”.

It’s just nasty. I’ve done all the right things to set myself up for motherhood - education, savings, healthy marriage, house etc. But right now I just want to invest in myself. I don’t think that’s self absorbed behaviour.

I have to see MIL this weekend and I really wanna address her bloody condescending behaviour towards me. I’m a grown woman. I can do what the hell i like.

It’s a mix of jealousy and entitlement with a bit of misogyny thrown in. She thinks you owe her a grandchild.

As long as you and husband are on the same page that’s all that matters. I’m assuming that if you both actually want children(?), you’re not going to deliberately risk waiting until over 40. Other than that enjoy your new confidence and wardrobe!

I think any weight loss is harder if you’re not very overweight, and it would have been hard for you at size 12-14 even without the PCOS, so congratulations for sticking with it and winning.

6 ft 10 is far taller than average and at 60kg you’d be very slim. A size 12 at 6ft 10 is very different to a size 12 at 5ft 2 for example.
I’m a size 12, 5ft 4 and could definitely do with dropping a 0.5- 1 stone.

Lots of spiteful jealous people on this thread!!
Well done OP … keep going for as long as you want to, no one else’s business!

@Broks just ignore it, but play Annoying Relative Bingo in your head: tick any stupid remarks off as she says them and then it’s a win 😄

And a massive well done to you on your work 💪🏻

OP, I am not sure why you are so bothered by her opinion. You don't owe her or anyone else you having a child unless you want one. There isn't any point continuing in the debate with her on this topic, as far as I can see, and I can't see the point in falling out about it either. Ignore her. You're happy. That's plenty.

You made me think about your suggestion that you had 'set yourself up for motherhood'. I am not sure this is possible. To be a good mother I think you have to want to do it more than you want to do some other stuff, at least for a while, and then take it as it comes. Babies need time and love but seem to manage really well with huge variety of everything else. Mumsnet might suggest you need a four bed detached house, a degree and plenty of savings but lots of babies grow up very happy without those things.

I also don't think you should be urged into having a baby until you want one, if at all. There's no going back once you do. I also think mothers who have other interests outside of family life are often happier than those who don't so don't feel you have to give up exercise when you have a baby. I didn't, not that my abs are sadly testament to that, and pregnancy certainly didn't help that in any way but once becoming a mother luckily that was not at the top of my list of things to worry about.

One way of preparing for motherhood in your case might be developing the skill of largely ignoring MIL's comments as I suspect she'll be no more diplomatic as a grandmother and yet it would be nice if she had a lovely relationship with your future DC, wouldn't it? Maybe don't go to war with her over this. Win the long game. She might be an ally in future.

Should have replied OK I won't have any then

Try putting 24lbs of tins in a bag and picking it up , it's a lot of weight . So it is a lot of weight to lose .

But that means 50% of people are above 5'4, and for them it wouldnt be overweight. Shows why we shouldnt use sizes to refer to whether somebody is overweight or not.

Great response!

This has to be rage bait? Why say .5 a stone not 0.5 stone or half a stone unless you’re trying to get mistaken reactions?

Anyone who values themself against skinniness and gym abs is in for a rude awakening if they choose to have a child.

‘I’m losing weight and I want to work out, get fit and really get the body I’ve always wanted. It looks like it’s possible and I’m going to make it happen’.

^He has single minded determination.

‘I’m losing weight and I want to work out, get fit and really get the body I’ve always wanted. It looks like it’s possible and I’m going to make it happen’.

^She’s self-absorbed and self-obsessed

@TheNinkyNonkyIsATardis

if Op works out and gets in good shape now, and then works out in pregnancy and then resumes working out when safe to do so there is no reason why her nice body should only be temporary.

She was lashing out out of meanness. Ignore her. I wish I had been in better shape before my pregnancy as its really hard to get back to normal and it takes enormous toll. The fact shes hinting all the time sounds like shes desperate for grandchildren but you are not her grand baby machine. You do what suits you.

I think this is more where the balance lies op.

In truth, you are being a bit self-absorbed: your posts more or less attest to that.

BUT so what? You AREN'T a mum yet, so why not.

I do think your MIL has a point to some degree that once babies come, life is busy, there is a lot to juggle and at that point, being brutally honest, the mums I know who prioritise their abs are often a bit on the wrong side of the balance. Note I said prioritise, not just "have decent abs."

@MyMiniMetro

why? I know plenty of women who look after themselves and work to getting abs who are great mothers? Why do the two have to be mutually exclusive? Or are you one of those misogynists who think a woman shouldnt care about herself in any way when she becomes a mum? that she should literally exist a vessel to support others

She sounds lovely. I bet you just can't wait to have children who can benefit from a warm and loving relationship with such a kind, pleasant woman. Her behaviour must really inspire you to become a mother so that you can end up just like her!

Yeah I think there must be size differences. Im always suprised when I see people refer to it as being larger.

And you sound very jealous 🤷🏼‍♀️

Nah, I think plenty of men like that seem self-absorbed. I went out with a guy like that (briefly) and found it massively off-putting. The utter ick moment was when he said he if he falls off his dietary regime, he goes for a low-fat lemon yogurt. I just thought nope.

@HumbleStumble

jealous, are we?

@Calliopespa

so, what was so bad about that? If I’ve been indulging recently and want to get healthy back on track but still want something sweet, I would have something like a low fat yogurt. What’s the issue? Would it be more manly if he mainlined a pie and chips or something?

Maybe have a think as to why you are so full of rage about this? I presume the root is jealousy.

But thankfully, petty little comments like this are in the minority on this thread and most people are supporting the OP

Jealous!!!

I am one who had two kids and abs. And no I was not self absorbed nor selfish, like you OP I wanted to be at my very best FOR my kids. They are adults now, and neither of them were neglected due to my abs.

If your mother in law finds herself saying ridiculous things like that again remind her that your future kids will only benefit from a fit mum, and it will also mean you are actively investing in your futures health. Not a bad thing at all. But ignore her at the same time, its their issue, not yours.