“Too self absorbed to be a mum”

[Broks]

I’ve always carried a bit of extra meat on my body. Nothing extreme but ive been a 12/14 most of my life.

This year I had enough. I was sick of always going for the flattering options. I’ve lost an unbelievable 24 pounds. I feel amazing. No glp 1s. Maybe have another .5 stone to go? More than that I have been toning up like nobody’s business. I’ve built muscle I’ve never seen before. I thought I would probably stop at this point but to be honest I really want to get the dream bod. Once in my life I want to be “that” woman. And for the first time I actually feel confident that I can achieve that

So MIL came over for lunch yesterday. And as usual asked about grandkids. She does it in a tongue in cheek kind of way. But there’s an underlying seriousness to her comments. Anyway, SIL pipped in and said “Broks won’t have kids until she’s had abs”. Okay so this is something I’ve jokingly said but to my hubby and friends. It’s semi true.

MIL basically spat out in avery heroine tone “ well then if that’s the case she’s too self absorbed and vain to be a mother”.

It’s just nasty. I’ve done all the right things to set myself up for motherhood - education, savings, healthy marriage, house etc. But right now I just want to invest in myself. I don’t think that’s self absorbed behaviour.

I have to see MIL this weekend and I really wanna address her bloody condescending behaviour towards me. I’m a grown woman. I can do what the hell i like.

The moments passed unless she says it again surely? What did you say at the time?

Your body, your business.

If you have goals to achieve before having kids, crack on - that’s absolutely yours and your DH’s decision alone!

For the first time in my adult female life I can say I love the way I look. I think that is so powerful for me. I’ve always liked my face but had body issues. I’m loving my new found confidence. To me it’s very important. I think it’s nasty to frame it as being self absorbed. I don’t think investing in your body automatically makes you a narcissist

You need to address the behaviour when it hsppens op.

Then that's your priority and your choice and you don't have to explain your decision to anyone apart from dh. I would let this one go but be ready for if she has something to say again

No she doesn’t. What’s your point? Why do you hate seeing women achieving?

Firstly, you don't owe her grandchildren.

Secondly, right now you are being self-absorbed and there's nothing wrong with that at all.

We all are at times and we're allowed to be.

It'd be way worse if you actually had kids and became self-absorbed!

Also, does she nag her son like this too?

You're you. She's her. Nod and smile tinkly laugh.

FWIW my MIL thought/thinks exactly the same of me. Vain, selfish, extravagant. Tough I've always had my own money and care about my appearance: skin care, make up, hair, good clothes.

Despite all expectations my DC are successful, nice, hard working and kind.

Just prove her wrong and have the last laugh.

What does "avery heroine" mean? Is it a tv/book character?

Typo. Horrible tone I think I meant but horrible probably isn’t fair. Condescending tone.

Are you being a bit smug and boring about your weight loss OP?

She sounds catty and it’s none of her business butttt is your husband moaning to her behind your back?

YANBU, it’s your body.

It was an unpleasant thing to say, but it’s unlikely she put much thought into it or will remember if you bring it up. As you didn’t address it at the time, I think the moment has passed.

she sounds a delight ! Sadly my mother and sister are like this and would bitch about my partner in the same way. At first he kept quiet, then decided to fight back with sarcasm started saying ‘I am in the room you know!’ to point out their rudeness. They’ve stopped doing it now (after a few comments of ‘so sensitive!’)

They still vollied the odd side swipe about him to me but I would normally have some comeback that referred to their OH shortcomings.

I’ve generally gone low contact with them now as there was a whole host of other stuff going on, that was just tip of a large iceberg. It’s fun when you are part of the gang, not so much when it’s directed at you.
ive come to the conclusion that it’s part jealousy, part ignorance.
they are like the living breathing version of the daily mail, if they don’t understand it , then it must be bad.
I wouldn’t waste the energy of anything too heartfelt with your MIL, it’s likely you will be wasting your time and it will just give her something else to bang on about.
next time she asks about kids just say ‘I’m too absorbed and vain apparently’.

Your SIL sounds like she was just trying to deflect the question, probably her roll growing up, maybe not though, it’s all in the tone.

Also, where is your husband in all this? He should be at the very least on your side and at the best telling her to keep her opinions to herself (but he may understandably not see the problem as he grew up with it).

His attitude towards this is important as it will be crucial going forward once you have had children.
in the meantime, bloody well done you for getting yourself to such a great place. Child carrying, rearing etc is an huge toll on your body so nothing wrong with aiming for the best body you can beforehand as it will help recovery. Go for those abs!
(FWIW I lost a load of weight and 53 and got surprisingly visible abs so it can be done at any age).

Well done for losing weight and shaming people who use injections in one post. Nothing wrong with loving the stage you are at in life, if you need injections, just to let you know, it isnt actually harder work not using them, just a different set of challenges. Might need to be a bit nicer before you have children, and if you need to lose 5 stone, a lot fitter and healthier too.

Are you jealous?

Well done on your new found confidence but is 24 pounds really an unbelievable amount?

Ok, just pause a moment. Are you doing all this because it makes you look good, or because it makes you feel fit and healthy?

When/ if the time comes and you decide to have a child, you will change shape, get wobbly, have stretch marks and probably gain weight and lose those showy muscles.

If feeling fit and healthy is the thing, you’ll embrace those changes and still feel good.
If looking good is what matters, you’ll be unhappy and feel ugly.

I don’t agree it’s self-absorbed, but it does raise an interesting point about where you go from here.

There are lots of threads on here from grown adults who are still upset because of how self-absorbed their parents were. There are also daily threads from women moaning about how self-absorbed their husbands are and how difficult they find it.

I would also describe myself as being pretty self-absorbed and selfish which is why I would never become a parent.

How in God's name is stating she lost weight without injections 'shaming' anyone??

Cop yourself on.

Do you feel better after saying that?

This, don’t stew on it

Gosh there’s a lot of nasty ones out today!

how did she shame people who use injections?