“Too self absorbed to be a mum”

[Broks]

I’ve always carried a bit of extra meat on my body. Nothing extreme but ive been a 12/14 most of my life.

This year I had enough. I was sick of always going for the flattering options. I’ve lost an unbelievable 24 pounds. I feel amazing. No glp 1s. Maybe have another .5 stone to go? More than that I have been toning up like nobody’s business. I’ve built muscle I’ve never seen before. I thought I would probably stop at this point but to be honest I really want to get the dream bod. Once in my life I want to be “that” woman. And for the first time I actually feel confident that I can achieve that

So MIL came over for lunch yesterday. And as usual asked about grandkids. She does it in a tongue in cheek kind of way. But there’s an underlying seriousness to her comments. Anyway, SIL pipped in and said “Broks won’t have kids until she’s had abs”. Okay so this is something I’ve jokingly said but to my hubby and friends. It’s semi true.

MIL basically spat out in avery heroine tone “ well then if that’s the case she’s too self absorbed and vain to be a mother”.

It’s just nasty. I’ve done all the right things to set myself up for motherhood - education, savings, healthy marriage, house etc. But right now I just want to invest in myself. I don’t think that’s self absorbed behaviour.

I have to see MIL this weekend and I really wanna address her bloody condescending behaviour towards me. I’m a grown woman. I can do what the hell i like.

So if you have the kind of MIL who likes to pick and make horrible remarks, this is school bully behaviour. That means that where ever they see a chink in your armour they will go for it. Its their hobby. They are point scoring and They get a kick out of it, particularly if they hit the target and it upsets you. She could just as easily be saying that you don't take enough care of yourself. Self absorbed is a lovely sting though as its also implying that you are not only focusing on yourself but not focusing enough on the really important person in your life ... her son. Which is undermining as it also implies that you are not a good enough wife for him... in her humble opinion. She's had a lot of practice and been around a long time so she's quite good at this game.

So stop telling her things. Dont discuss your diet or exercise programme, then she can't discuss it with you. In fact put her on an information diet. Its a real shame to have to conduct a relationship on this basis but it is entirely her doing and her loss.
If she wants a better relationship with you, she's going to ahve to wake up and work harder at being actually nice. You are better placed to judge if that's possible or not. Maybe being more assertive with her might do the trick, but I do know that the more you let her make these stings unanswered, with no push back from you or from DH, the more she will carry on doing it until it becomes an ingrained habit.

Answer back. Every time. It's hard because these comments can catch you unawares and you are upset because its hit a weak spot and you end up feeling confused -why did she say that? what did she mean? why be so horrible? that you can't think of a ready response and if you do, you worry it might set her off to carry on arguing her point.

It's not about finding the right words to prove she's wrong which can leave you tongue tied because of all the confused feelings it has provoked, its about refusing to engage in this conversation full stop because it is infantile and beneath your -adult- notice.
Then you need some phrases up your sleeve, it can be as simple as - What a horrible thing to say/ there's no need to be nasty about it/ that's neither accurate or nice... etc... and also have one or two zingers for when you need to shut the conversation down entirely...ranging from - Your'e wrong and its not up for discussion to literally walking away in a grey rock way, but not storming. It's not about finding the right words to prove she's wrong or the snappy put down when you are probably tongue tied because of all the confused feelings her remarks have provoked, its about refusing to engage in this conversation full stop because it is infantile and beneath your -adult- notice.

You have recognised that she does this. So once you've started the information diet, have the chat with DH let him know he needs to back you up. And work out some shut down/push back phrases. You don't have to be nasty even if she is. Just calm and factual... Practice makes perfect.

I wish more Mother's were 'self absorbed' and took time to look after themselves, whatever that looks like to each individual.
No one needs to sacrifice their entire being to motherhood and there it is a huge positive when a woman is supported to take time to look after herself.
A healthy, happy Mum is the best kind of Mum you can be for your children and it does children the world of good to see Mum as a whole person.

OP shes jealous as f--k. Thats the only reason for a bitter weird comment like she made. I'd address it however you want, especially if she says it again.

I'd just crack on as if I'd never heard it.

There are bigger hills to die on.
And have kids when you are ready - not to accommodate her schedule.
FWIW I understand the self-confidence of achieving the body you want.
In any case - pregnancy body issues tend to be temporary, if you want them to be. I gained 56 pounds in pregnancy but lost it after a while (admittedly, slowly but only because I couldn't be bothered focusing on it) and now in my late sixties have the dimensions and abs I had as a very athletic teenager. Just a lot wrinklier, but you can't tell that when I'm dressed!

I agree but OP says she's always been a 12/14 and I’ve lost an unbelievable 24 pounds. I feel amazing. No glp 1s. Maybe have another .5 stone to go?

Something about this doesn't ring true.

How can someone be a 12/14 and need to lose another 5 stone ???!

I can’t tell if you’re joking or not 🤷🏻‍♀️.
As has been pointed out many, many, many times on this thread, the post you have quoted says she needs to lose .5 stone, not 5 stone.

The biggest lesson of this thread is don’t leave out the zero before the decimal point or the less observant will question the five stone you can’t possibly need to lose @daisybanks!

Apols, it wasn't clear.
Why not just say another half a stone to go? 🤔

It's become more 'cancel the cheque' than the actual 'cancel the cheque' thread ever was 😳

Oh MIL, I could not possibly have children until they were able to have better grandparents!

.5 of a stone. HALF A FUCKING STONE

Hello. I'm a first time poster. I am due to have surgery on my left foot to remove a fibroma in August. It's quite straightforward surgery (hopefully) but I am dreading the recovery afterwards! It's non weight bearing for 2 weeks afterwards. My partner can hopefully take 10 days off work as holiday. However I do pretty much everything around the house 😬 I keep up to the washing, putting laundry away (never ending job!) loading the dishwasher/emptying, general cleaning and housework. I'm a cleaner for a living so I just do whatever needs doing around the house. Partner normally out 6am-7pm on weekdays. We have three children age 13, 10 years boys and 5 years girl. 10 yo is pretty good if I pay him to do little jobs, 13 yo not so much.! 5 yo tried to help bless her. I am just dreading my house being a tip and all being together and me losing my patience while being helpless and unable to do much. I have just got my mental health back on track after trauma counselling I have had this year due to a breakdown in relationship with my parents. I don't want to sink back in to a bad place and want to recover as quickly as possible. We have a UK break booked for a week on 21st August but I'm unsure if we'll be able to go on that. Any advice would help or if anyone has had this type of surgery even better! Thank you

In what way did OP shame people who use injections? She just said she lost weight without them?

Hi @Tigercat14 I think you should start a separate post for this so you get helpful responses. Don't worry, it's a very easy mistake to make.

How did you do it OP?

I'd love a more toned tummy

Typical MIL behaviour. Wtf is wrong with these people

With the climate emergency we’ll be facing in 10 years, I’d crack on with what you enjoy and not even consider children. Not your MILs business quite frankly. No one owes parents grandchildren.

Have you heard of decimal points?

Yes but they usually come after a 0 or another number when numerate people use them. Otherwise they look like a typo.

that's normal, building muscle is hard! I always roll my eyes when people are worried about accidentally getting too muscular - Bodybuilding Federation would like to have a word with you, if that really happens.
Resistance Training in Women: A Systematic Review and Meta-analysis of Muscle Hypertrophy found that after 15 weeks of strenght training, average muscle gain in women was just 1.5 kilos. So give it time but don't give up - it will make a massive difference both to your looks but also health.

If I’m honest becoming fitter and building lean body mass will 1/ make you healthier (resistance training is starting to be seen as a longevity thing) 2/ set you up for better bone density 3/ give you more confidence to help be a better mum (combat low mood, post natal issues etc) 4/ make you actually more resilient to bugs etc - babies and toddlers catch everything and then so do you.

So no I think it’s very sensible.

better c section recovery if you end up having one.

Thanks. I am actually doing it for my health really. I have never really been into exercise but I’ve been naturally very slim all
my life. Then I broke my ankle earlier this year. I had a DEXA scan which showed low
bone density. So I decided I need to do something about it, hence the weights. But having nicer looking arms would be a bonus, I can’t lie!

Well, literate and numerate people can still spot them, even without a preceding digit ;-)

Given the presence of the decimal point and the context of the post, surely you could deduce that it must be 0.5 rather than 5, though? As you rightly pointed out, wanting to lose 5 stone at a size 12 would be nonsensical, whereas wanting to lose half a stone at a size 12 would be fairly normal?