“Too self absorbed to be a mum”

[Broks]

I’ve always carried a bit of extra meat on my body. Nothing extreme but ive been a 12/14 most of my life.

This year I had enough. I was sick of always going for the flattering options. I’ve lost an unbelievable 24 pounds. I feel amazing. No glp 1s. Maybe have another .5 stone to go? More than that I have been toning up like nobody’s business. I’ve built muscle I’ve never seen before. I thought I would probably stop at this point but to be honest I really want to get the dream bod. Once in my life I want to be “that” woman. And for the first time I actually feel confident that I can achieve that

So MIL came over for lunch yesterday. And as usual asked about grandkids. She does it in a tongue in cheek kind of way. But there’s an underlying seriousness to her comments. Anyway, SIL pipped in and said “Broks won’t have kids until she’s had abs”. Okay so this is something I’ve jokingly said but to my hubby and friends. It’s semi true.

MIL basically spat out in avery heroine tone “ well then if that’s the case she’s too self absorbed and vain to be a mother”.

It’s just nasty. I’ve done all the right things to set myself up for motherhood - education, savings, healthy marriage, house etc. But right now I just want to invest in myself. I don’t think that’s self absorbed behaviour.

I have to see MIL this weekend and I really wanna address her bloody condescending behaviour towards me. I’m a grown woman. I can do what the hell i like.

Your MIL sounds awful. Good luck!

She's jealous..
You do you, ignore the negative ones.

This.

You're either a grandmother or reeeally want to be.

It's none of MIL's business when OP plans to start a family.

And the best laid plans don't always work out, so why raise her hopes/expectations when it could take years to conceive?

I had abs before having kids, my stomach is ok now but will never look the same again. If that bothers you then that's worth considering. I couldn't have cared less but I had many telling me that I would care and were upset for me.

Nope. She’s just enjoying what she’s got at the moment. This smacks of jealousy.

I think this is one of those things where mothers just can't win. If you take excellent care of your body it's selfish. If you have an imperfect body before choosing to get pregnant, there's people who would think that selfish too. For not creating some ideal environment for baby to grow. Do what makes you happy.

In your shoes OP with PCOS given you have dropped a good amount of weight already I probably wouldn't delay starting to try based on losing another half stone.

It can take a while even without PCOS and there is nothing to stop you continuing on whilst TTC. Generally I've always dropped weight when TTC as I stop drinking alcohol or eating rubbish. In my second pregnancy I dropped a lot through morning sickness.

It's good to have the muscle development for pregnancy but don't hyper focus.

As for your MIL she was clearly lashing out yes it was wrong but honestly your best just letting it wash over then starting an argument.

The OP said point 5 (.5) stone ie half a stone not 5 stone

Not everyone gets stretch marks and some people pretty much 'bounce back' to how they looked pre-pregnancy - obviously not everyone, and there's likely some genetics/luck involved, but being in good shape with a high proportion of muscle beforehand will definitely help.

I'm not saying the OP shouldn't be prepared for her body to change (if she even wants kids!) but it doesn't have to be the end of her ever being in good shape.

It can take a while even without PCOS and there is nothing to stop you continuing on whilst TTC.

Well yes there is.

She doesn't want to.

You sound very self abs-orbed

How? I keep myself fit with 3 DC. Its got nothing to do with being self absorbed, its far more beneficial for DC to have a healthy active mum than one whos too out of shape to do things with them.

Are sizes different between Australia and the UK? A size 12 isnt 'carrying a bit of extra meat' here. I weighed 60 kilos when I was a size 12, Im nearly 6'10.

Also, whats wrong with using GLP1s?

I wonder, if the OP's
When we had been married for 6 years I recall overhearing what was obviously a discussion about our lack of breeding and my mother told MIL 'Oh, they won't be having children, they're enjoying themselves too much'! I just looked at it as being very funny, it was also true at the time, we were living abroad in the sun and were certainly enjoying ourselves!

It's a shame that you didn't respond at the time with a classic "what an odd thing to say".

Women will abs go on to have children.
Having abs doesn't make the abs haver selfish or self absorbed.
Selfish and self-absorbed people have children all the time but that doesn't mean you're one of them.

The MIL needs to be told that what she said was rude.

The SIL and MIL could be reminded that the fitter the woman pre pregnancy, the more prepared she'll be for maintaining a fit and healthy lifestyle during pregnancy and that being physically strong and fit during pregnancy can be helpful for labour and for recovery.

Being fit or thin isn't the most interesting thing about anyone. But it's also not something to be rude about. I don't think anyone should ever comment on when someone will or should have babies though, that's totally up to you.

Then she's being deliberately malicious.

You need to talk to your husband and he needs to be on your side. You need to see her less and he has to be stuck to your side like glue and handle her bullshit unless he wants you to do it and tell him you will be quite direct.

"MIL, that's a mean thing to say. Why would you say that." Every damn time she makes a nasty comment. Or parrot her back to her and ask her if she realizes how that sounds. She asks about grandkids, nunya. None of your business. Your sex life and reproductive life is private. Don't worry about being rude, she's calling you names. Don't lay down for that nastiness.

The less you see her the less she'll be in your head stressing you out. Slow fade. Don't take calls from her. That's her son's job.

Healthy lifestyle is mind as well as body and a woman who sees you as an incubator and calls you awful things isn't going to be a big part of your life, she's a negative influence.

How will your husband be with that?

OP hasn't specified but an average British woman is 5'4'' and can very easily carry extra weight at size 12/14

It’s such a shame as for a lot of the boomer generation they were made to feel as though their weight was a critical barometer for success / failure in life.

my MIL always been plump, always on a diet, always hated her body and how she looks. But constantly on at me if I choose a salad or skip a wine or go to the gym. Makes mean comments etc. it’s just jealousy and projection

Why? Because OPwants to be fit and healthy for motherhood instead of being fat for motherhood?

I think you should just let it go. The nasty responses on this thread should tell you all you need to know that people are jealous / hostile about women who lose weight / are confident in their looks.

Enjoy your new found confidence, i think a 24lb weight loss alongside body recomp (muscle growth) is really impressive.

Also, whats wrong with using GLP1s?

What a strange question to ask a woman who simply stated she didn't use them.

Why do you think the OP may think there's something wrong with them?

YANBU. She is obviously jealous and so are the posters who say she has a point. She has no point, it was just nasty and mean-spirited.

But PPs are right when they say that you need to deal with the comments when they are made, not retrospectively. This first one came as a surprise so no bad on you for being stunned into silence. But do take the lesson on board that she might say something like this again and be ready to respond, defend yourself, and tell her to mind her own business. Something like:

First of all, do not speak to me like that, now or ever. Second, my body is my own and I am not wrong to get it in shape both to enjoy wearing clothes that I like and to prepare for a baby in the future. Third, I am going to be an awesome mum and a great - fit and healthy - role model for my kids. End of.

Absolutely this^

Even by MN standards 60 kg at 6'10 is slim (I know there's likely a typo in there somewhere).

But perhaps there are size differences, because there's no way someone as light as 60 kg would be a size 12 unless they were quite short.