“Too self absorbed to be a mum”

[Broks]

I’ve always carried a bit of extra meat on my body. Nothing extreme but ive been a 12/14 most of my life.

This year I had enough. I was sick of always going for the flattering options. I’ve lost an unbelievable 24 pounds. I feel amazing. No glp 1s. Maybe have another .5 stone to go? More than that I have been toning up like nobody’s business. I’ve built muscle I’ve never seen before. I thought I would probably stop at this point but to be honest I really want to get the dream bod. Once in my life I want to be “that” woman. And for the first time I actually feel confident that I can achieve that

So MIL came over for lunch yesterday. And as usual asked about grandkids. She does it in a tongue in cheek kind of way. But there’s an underlying seriousness to her comments. Anyway, SIL pipped in and said “Broks won’t have kids until she’s had abs”. Okay so this is something I’ve jokingly said but to my hubby and friends. It’s semi true.

MIL basically spat out in avery heroine tone “ well then if that’s the case she’s too self absorbed and vain to be a mother”.

It’s just nasty. I’ve done all the right things to set myself up for motherhood - education, savings, healthy marriage, house etc. But right now I just want to invest in myself. I don’t think that’s self absorbed behaviour.

I have to see MIL this weekend and I really wanna address her bloody condescending behaviour towards me. I’m a grown woman. I can do what the hell i like.

It's peak the female condition that it's being suggested you should centre your life around a child who doesn't yet exist and who may never exist above yourself, who does! Not disimilar to the men who respect the imaginary boyfriends and husbands we tell them we have above us, the actual woman they just chatted up, saying no.
I wouldn't bring it up if they don't, but if they try again then I'd shut it down. Yes you are being self centred, as we all should if it doesn't impact badly on others. Yes you're focusing on yourself, yes you are enjoying the fruits of your labours because there is nothing wrong with that.
And as for the continual grandkids questions - answer in a way that makes it clear how intrusive that is. Why yes, MIL, your darling son fucked me senseless on Sunday afternoon. Yes, raw dogging. Bit of misionary, lots of me on top because that makes him cum really hard. He filled me right up. Was that what you wanted to know?

Good grief. How unpleasant.

And the no GLP comment seems uncalled for. Losing weight for health is fine whether or not you use GLPs, so if she's on them, maybe due to a medical issue, it might have seemed rude or smug to her!

As I say to my DD, and try to implement (imperfectly) myself: you can’t control what other people say or do, only how you react. There will always be someone…don’t let them spoil your day.

What an awful thing for her to say, cruel and unnecessary. Well done for losing the weight and feeling confident in your body.

If you dont mind me asking, what did you do to tone up?

I got it was half a stone. 24 lbs is amazing from someone who is size 12-14 - it is a massive difference and harder to lose than from someone who is significantly larger.

You should be proud of achieving this and the hard work you are putting in. I am on mounjaro and can tell you it is a zillion times easier than losing weight without it. I hope you enjoy being fitter and feeling ore confident, it sounds like you are and really should.

Personally, I would not be rushing to spend time with such a rude MiL, take yourself for a spa day instead - that'll wind her up.

Not exactly. Career success supports a family. We wouldn’t have the options we do now if I hadn’t worked my butt off to get to a decent level before having a family and being unable to just work late in busy periods or weekends or to the same intensity.

I’ve lost 5 stone on the injections, I bloody love them. Don’t be daft though, the reason most of us love them is that it is much easier with them. I did everything right, changed eating patterns, moved more and now I’ve come off them as I’m at goal
weight the struggle is back. I don’t think there’s anything wrong with using them and I may do again but it is definitely easier. Just expensive.

She could go to being a yoga mum with a fit ball to sit and stretch on at home and an absolute star at aqua aerobics, and when her toddler starts martial arts or dance class or riding or anything, she can join as an adult learner. FFS don't be a downer.

@Broks well done for making yourself happy!! You already have the career, savings, house, good marriage. Now you're concentrating on making yourself the best version of you, you can be! Never mind your MIL!

Now, PLEASE tell me your routine and how you toned up? 💪

You should have told her to fuck off and mind her own business.
As an aside, if you have a tone muscled body, it’ll bounce back within weeks of giving birth. Pregnancy doesn’t destroy your body if you continue to eat a healthy diet and work out moderately throughout the pregnancy.

I suppose right now she's actually correct, you are too self absorbed to be a mum because for you your priority is losing weight and being "that" woman and getting abs. Not conceiving and gaining weight. And there's nothing wrong with that either. It's fine to focus on your physical health and prioritise it just now and always. Self absorbed isnt a nice way of saying it, but for now you're focusing on yourself and your desires you have for your physical appearance.

Nah, you are the one being disingenuous, and I think YOU know it.
There are many people who have medical reasons for being overweight, to imply that everyone is only taking medicine as a quick fix shows that you must be really sheltered, or completely lacking in empathy. Oh, you didnt say 'everyone'? Well, neither did I.
people take GLP1 for many reasons, they were originally a diabetes drug after all.
But you know this.

🙄you clearly know nothing about the topic. If GLP1s work with no lifestyle change then you had a medical problem. If you need to also change your diet or exercise, then its work.
You seem to be the one getting pleasure out of bringing others down. Youve just made a pretty nasty (uneducated) dig about GLP1 users. Have a think about why this bothers you that other people with medical problems have medication to help get them healthier. Says a lot about you.

Probably a good idea to be healthy before pregnancy. Having low enough body fat to have abs is obviously more of an aesthetic thing but overall it’s definitely not a bad idea to be as fit as you can be before conceiving, surely?

I don't think that is really relevant because the jabs do make it easier to lose weight in any case - it's literally what they are for. People who can't lose weight naturally take them to lose weight more easily.

Saying I've managed to lose weight without taking jabs isn't making any judgement of people who are using them.

Not the OP but as several people have asked and I am also jacked with visible abs, I can tell you how to 'tone up'.

strength training. Lift weights. Heavy weights.

I use Mounjaro and have done for over a year. Researched it thoroughly, have suffered some side effects but that and the expense is worth it to me.
Again, in the real world, most people use it because it is an easy, quick, incredibly effective tool to lose weight.
The OP has done incredibly, I wish I had the same grit to do it without the assistance of Mounjaro. But I don't, like thousands upon thousands of other people who use it for the exact same reason I do.
There is no need to lie about why the vast majority of people use GPL1's and there is no shame in choosing the easier option, I do not need to pretend my body is broken.
I will however, continue to celebrate people who manage to lose weight the good old fashioned way.

You want to go in to pregnancy as healthy as you can. I had pretty solid abs before I had my last baby at 40 and ' bounced back' quicker than my first two children in my 20's. There's nothing self absorbed about wanting to be the best version of you, you can be! Strength training is one of the most important things you can do as a women, well done for everything you have a achieved so far. xX

do some people really think a prerequisite to being a mother is to have no care at all for yourself and your appearance?

should I stop going to the gym now and put some weight on and stop caring what I look like in anticipation of trying to conceive, do you think ?

Bloody hell. OP doesn't owe her MIL grandchildren at all, let alone having to justify her reproductive choices to her!

I have been trying for three months, but I’m making very limited progress. I expect it will take a lot more time and effort for a 55 year-old woman to build muscle! I am slim and have been doing weights for three months now and I’m hopeful the results will happen at some point?!

Imagine your mother-in-law being so rude to you and then giving her a hug as a reward! No thanks, women don’t need to be such doormats.

Don't bring it up with your MIL. The moment has passed and you will come across as petty.

Just be prepared for any further digs. If they come, say very politely that your body and plans for the future aren't anyone else's business and change the subject.

I agree: it's quite different.

There is a lot of weird status around weight atm, and a lot of justifying of loss as a holy grail - I guess because of WLIs.

For disclosure, I am healthy weight, always have been. But I still don't believe that is actually the moral achievement and benefit to my family that some would imply. I do "get" that where weight is a genuine health issue and impacts daily routines in a genuine way (not just feeling a need to choose more flattering outfits over less flattering ones) then some of this reasoning applies.

But moving from a size 12 to a size 8 or looking more toned is not making you a better parent in the substantive way that financial security or ability to take time off work is. There is lots of research to suggest mildly overweight is in fact healthier on some metrics, and in any case you don't get "more healthier" by dropping dress sizes within the healthy weight range or having more defined abs. (In fact, I had some health issues being at the low end of healthy bmi.) I think that sort of reasoning starts to get a bit silly and is too often bandied about as a justification for doing it for other driving reasons.

Fine OP, if you have no dc then why not spend the time and effort on it. But I truly believe that once you are a mother, that same energy is better spent elsewhere.